Winter, the year my life started aknew….

Dear Diary,

Who would have ever thought that in the pages of such a little book, one would be able to find the kind of solace that keeps the heart warm at night on the coldest of days? It’s just little bits of parchment paper and a leather binding, but it’s become my lifeline, the only link left I have between my past and this new life that I embarked upon without much though I fear. For the first time in my life I acted impulsively rather than after thinking things though with caution. I did exactly as I liked all of the way rather than in small increment as per my usual.

It should have been liberating and in the physical sense I suppose it is. I am lying here on a colorfully woven mat in front of a crackling fire, garbed in comfortable boys breeches and a tunic rather than in the suffocating habit and wimple that were my armor for the past 19 years, and I have not said more than 3 prayers today; one for each meal. Yet for all of that I find myself feeling a bit like a lone reed in the wind-bending this way and that on the whims of the breeze, but having no real direction of my own. It’s quite disturbing after so many years of being told exactly what to do, say and feel for practically every hour of every day. I should be screaming with joy, hanging from the very rafters and instead I am lying here cuddled under a blanket and hoping that the dance of the flames will inspire me to feel something other than the slight edge of panic that keeps nipping at my soul.

I used to write stories about people having grand adventures and they were always terribly exciting and beyond my wildest dreams. I used to say that if I ever left the suffocating walls of the abbey, I would go on my own quest whether it be finding a hidden treasure of saving a princess myself without waiting for any help from a prince, since he would likely be too busy polishing his crown to worry about the damsel that is starring as a dragon’s h'orderve.

But all I have done so far is play a few very good games of cards, beat the breeches off of two unsavory fellows and consequently ended up in this inn due to the fortunate mercy of strangers. Well not strangers anymore. Jered, his wife Jenny and their son, Langdon (who I have secretly nicknamed Langdon the Large because his arms are as wide around as my very head! are lovely people. Very kind and welcoming and they have taken a shine to me for some odd reason. I have said a prayer of thanks for that despite my once stout resolution not to pray anymore. I thought myself on the “outs” with God, but after nearly being turned into a bit of barley mush by those afore mentioned unsavory fellows, I have decided perhaps I will only be on alternate outs. God and I had a lovely relationship for most of 19 years. No need to burn bridges between myself and Heaven simply because <s>Mother Superior was a horrid hag.</s>

Strike that.

Rubbish..that probably deserves several Hail Marys but I am not going to do a one! There is my act of defiance for the evening, though I think I will move a bit further from these flames in case they tempt any of Lucifer’s minions up for a bit of punishment.

So here I am with no past anymore and the future is paved in nothing surer than the cards that I am showing surprising promise with. Felix would be proud of me. His mother, nay so much. But I am sure she will say the prayers for me I am not (here me, God, I really am not!) going to say for myself. But I think I will be all right. Its just card games. It is not as if I am falling completely into sin. I still cannot stomach the taste of whiskey and I do not swear. I am good at card games…its not like I will become some degenerate gambler or a pirate. So silly….

I think I will start practicing sword play again though. Felix was attempting to teach me when I was able to sneak out for a bit during morning chores, but I am getting a bit rusty and after my ordeal with Hairy and Smelly (the two sore losers I beat at cards) I should likely learn to arm myself a bit better.

Oh! I heard (yes through a wall but I wasn’t eavesdropping not really..truly…) that the King of Trymere is dead! I did not even know that he was ill. Of course there is much I didn’t and do not know still. Cloistered walls are exactly that. But still it is such sad news. I wonder who will take over now that he is gone? Will it be the Princess Isabelle? Her name I know because I often starred her in my plays. The poor girl’s ears likely ring like church bells each time she gets a new part. But I don’t think she would mind terribly-
After all she is living on in infamy slaying dragons and the like in great adventures!

At any rate , I should tuck myself into bed now and hope to get some sleep. I never thought I would miss that evening chanting drifting in through the windows from the chapel, but a piece of me does….A very small piece.

Good night Diary.