This is a post of Anna when she was younger on a college site that Sugar and I came from.
Silence filled the room after he had spoken about Kimi and his relationship. Staring ahead at the road, Anna tried to focus on the white lines counting them in her head. It was a prevention technique to cause her from screaming at herself for being stupid. For believing that Lukas hadn’t found anyone else, that she had been special to him alone. A part of her wanted to demand that he pull over so she could run off to be by herself at that moment. Another part of her wanted to call up a friend to drive her home. However, her pride didn’t want to make it even more obvious that he had won this argument. Not trusting her own words that would be fueled by her feelings, Anna stared straight ahead at the road ignoring the pain swelling up inside of her. She should have known better – he had been trouble from the start and had never pretended it. Now, she was just another on his long line of females that he had broken – either their hearts or their prides. Unfortunately for her, she had been stupid enough to allow him to break both.
The silence would have continued if not for the other low blow – this time a more suicidal blow. Slapping her hand down on the side of the door gripping the door handle, Anna took a deep breath. Closing her eyes, she straightened herself in the seat in an effort to calm herself down. He kept talking. He was digging his own grave. Turning to him, she spoke in a low even tone that was beginning to rise every second. If either of them knew any better, they would have ended the conversation then and there. “Don’t you ever talk about my brothers in that manner.” Making his way towards him, she gripped the side of the dashboard for support. “Amar happens to be a fucking man that doesn’t run for his responsibilities. He’s not perfect, Lukas! I fucking know that! But at least he was smart enough to grow some balls and step up to the plate when someone asked him.” Inching almost all the way to his side, she pointed a finger in his face trying to control the urge to hit him. “And he doesn’t toy with the emotions of people who ---“ Almost immediately, she retreated to her side like a snake retreating to its den after realizing it’s prey with bigger than it thought. “Forget I said anything, easy enough for you right?”
He was talking again – hitting her with another blow to her damaged pride. Jerking her head back and blinking at his first comment to show her displeasure, she shut her mouth. Closing her eyes when he presented the truth from the other night in front of her, Anna felt her jaw twitch in annoyance. “Well fuck me for having hormones! Fuck me for wanting to sleep with you! At least I wasn’t the one who was so god damn eager to get it off! You might have had what you wanted if you weren’t!” Blanching at her words, she put her hand over her mouth and glanced away from him. Fuck. Did she just say that out loud? The slips were coming at a more frequent pace now. Usually, Anna never let herself speak during arguments for very long for that reason. She always walked away before she could start screaming out her own feelings. He was breaking down the distance between them in his single blows and she didn’t like it. Not at all.
Almost immediately, Anna slammed her feet out on the mat in front of her and jerked her body back into the seat to keep from flying into the window. Grimacing at the sharp impact, she looked at Lukas as if he was crazy. “Mother of God, Lukas! I’ll put on the fucking seat belt!” Before she had a chance to comply with his demand, she noticed that he had flipped on the turn signal. What the hell was going on? Had they hit something? Was the truck messed up? Lost in her own thoughts about the fact that Lukas had just nearly killed her by slamming on the breaks when she had her seat belt off and the fact her back was killing her, Anna didn’t register his words. When he ripped off the seat belt and began walking to her side of the car, Anna began to register what was happening.
He was going to leave her on the side of the road.
She stopped breathing. Her legs felt like heavy weights as he jerked opened the door yelling at her to get out. Afraid of what he was going to do next, Anna nodded silently and slipped out of the seat onto the road. Her face had gone deathly pale as he got back into the truck locking the doors. Her heart began to pound in overdrive as he sped off leaving a cloud of dust. Everything she had was in the truck with her bags. She had no way of getting back or anywhere. At the realization, Anna began to tremble in earnest as she sat down on the ground tucking her knees to her chest. Burying her head into her knees, she finally gasped for breath as she began to feel her trembles turn into full-blown shakes. Too terrified to cry in fear someone would see a young crying woman on the road and go in for the kill.
He had left her. On the side of the road.
Hearing the slamming of breaks in front of her, Anna peeked up from where she had her head in between her knees. Her breath caught in throat as she saw Lukas running towards her yelling that he was sorry. Without a second thought, she ran to him clinging to his chest. As he tried to pull away to say or do something, Anna clung tighter to his shirt as she trembled still from what had happened. Staying like this for thirty more seconds, Anna finally pulled away before swinging her hand back and punching him hard in the jaw. “YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. YOU KNEW I’D ….YOU KNEW…Oh God you left me….you left me….“ her voice began to break as she talked causing her to retreat to the safety of the truck. Slamming the door, she put on her seat belt and pressed herself into the side of the door as far away from him as possible. As he returned to the truck, she gave him a wide-wary look as if he was going to do it again any second now.
There was eight hours of silence afterward. It wasn’t till he brought up her work that she had spoken or even acknowledged his presence. As he yelled at her, Anna’s rage backed off into the dark corner where it had come to be replaced by a feeling of shame. Looking at him for a few seconds, Anna closed her eyes blowing through her lips as if she would with a cigarette. Fuck. Against her better judgment and safety, she reached out to barely grasp his leg in an effort to get him to listen. “I have never…ever…thought you were fucking stupid, Dunstan. God, you’re …fucking ….” Brilliant. It had been on the tip of her tongue but she quickly retreated her hand away as the impact of the meaning of his words sunk in. “You think I honest to God enjoyed last night?” Her voice was filled with bewilderment as she spoke shaking her head as if she could get the implications out of her mind. “It’s called faking it, Dunstan. Faking an orgasm? Acting? Surely, you of all people, have heard of that?” Her mind was frantic in a way to get him to understand how much she hated every single second of her job. That she wasn’t some filthy whore who brought anyone into the bathroom or the back alley if they had fifty bucks on them. To convince herself that there was still something inside her that was tainted and dirty.
“You think I like getting traded like that? Being paid and bought for like some sort of animal? The fact I can’t say a word to these guys? As long as they don’t physically harm me, Moore lets them do whatever they want, Dunstan. I have never been as disrespected as I am in there by a man. “ Her hands slapped down on the seat as she looked at him. “And I fucking don’t need any of it from you of all people!” She retreated back into her shell with its barbed wire walls by the end of her retort. It was getting too personal. Anna needed to reform the distance between them. He was getting too close. The worst part was that for a second in the past few weeks of their relationship together that she had enjoyed it. That was not supposed to happen. Twelve years of practice had made her a fucking master at keeping her distance and with one smile; Lukas could make her want to step out of her comfort zone. It was suicidal.
By the time they had reached his parents’ house, the fight had been driven out of her. A mild acceptance that she was going to be nothing more than an annoying pest of a friend to Lukas had begun to set in. Still, she was determined to make a good impression on the family. As he touched her arm, Anna felt her heart wrench painfully wanting to scream at him why he kept doing this to her. Saying that he didn’t want her in that form then using the smallest of gestures to proclaim he cared for her in something other than the sexual nature. Nodding at Gemma’s words, she nearly choked on air at the last statement. “Yeah…Yeah…” Exit B. Where was Exit B? Her hand scratched the back of her neck as she gave the girl a weak smile. “He’s already met the family…. wasn’t exactly…chipper. There might have been an unloaded shotgun, a carving knife, and a water hose involved.” Realizing that she just made it sound like her brothers had planned a mass murder, she quickly threw up her hands. “Not that anyone got hurt you see…just…scare tactics.” Stop talking.
Muttering a “you have no idea” to the girl’s other comment, Anna turned her attention to Mrs. Dunstan. Politely taking in the good natured pokes about her tiny stature and weight, Anna graciously declined a dinner roll that the elder woman had nearly shoved in her hand. The words may have been changed between two different women but Anna saw what was happening. The overwhelming sense of guilt caused her to walk outside with Gemma to wait for Lukas. Leah was too good for a woman for Anna to continue to lie to – lying about her relationship with her son, what she was, and why she was living with him. As Lukas whispered angrily in her ear, Anna’s eyes flickered to Nik as the eldest boy laughed out loud looking at Lukas. Turning to look up at Lukas, she gave him a wolfish smile before speaking loudly. “Oh! I keep forgetting Nik is enlisted! I mean one look at that scrawny frame –“ She turned to eye Nik before giving him a cheeky smile. “and I thought he just worked at the local Grocery store! They clearly have lost their standards if your brother is enlisted. I mean, I could even take him on and win.” Reaching down to grasp Lukas’ hand before he could say a word, she pulled them towards the door before turning around to give the siblings a broad smile and wave. No one fucking made fun of her Lukas and got away with it. Brother or not.
“I would say you can thank me later but your brother will probably either kill me or convince you I’m the spawn of a she-devil.” Well impressing the siblings was definitely out of the loop now. She’d have to concentrate on the parents. Realizing she was still holding his hand, Anna let go of it with a guilty flush ducking her head with a sorry. As the conversation at the table began to turn to her, Anna merely shrugged at the comment of rodeos feeling her old confidence come back. Now they were on a subject and lifestyle she knew about. “Depends on what you do and how crazy you are doing it. Racin’ is generally pretty harmless. It’s the bullridin’ that’s where the crazies go. But you ladies probably all know about that being involved with enlisted men.” She cringed inwardly as she spoke. Fuck that came out wrong. Did she just accuse Nik and Jonah of being crazy? Not that she wasn’t thinking that they were – a good sort of crazy though. The kind of crazy needed to put your life in danger twenty-four seven. As Leah commented about her not getting hurt, Anna bit her lip and raised her eyebrow in response. “I wish I could agree, ma’am. So does my doc.” She let the comment drop not wanting to go further into her injuries over the years. It was the reason she stopped going to the doctor and going for home remedies. If she had to tell her doctor one more time that she busted her leg open because she was riding bareback at dangerous speeds through uneven terrain one more time, he was going to ban her from riding period.
As Lukas whispered in her ear, Anna turned to look at him blinking in a confused manner. “It just happened and I didn’t think you’d care…you’ve been kinda moody…” He was doing it again. Giving her little things that made her believe there was something more. Turning her head away, she took a deep breath trying not to be too obvious in front of the family. It would do no good if one of them figured out the feelings of lovey-dovey were not mutual. Their act would have been up. And it nearly was. Feeling the pressure of Mr. Dunstan Sr’s eyes on her Anna began to panic. She had to do something fast. So she choked – literally! As Lukas began to whisper to her, she waited for the right moment when she was “in his arms recovering” to speak to him. “Fuck, Lukas! I panicked okay! He was staring! I’m not good at lying you should know this! If he asked me something, I would have blurted out the truth. That – That you don’t even care for me in that manner in which they all think and I’m just the puta you took in!” Her voice had raised a little on the last part unaware that she had done so. If she had, she would have run for the hills – yelling that you were a whore in front of the family dinner was not smart. Not even talking about it was.
Sitting down, Anna casually brought Lukas into the conversation smiling at Leah as the woman praised her son. However, her glee for Lukas was short. His father began speaking. At the first words of “this lawyer crap”, Anna visibly flinched as if she had been the one hit. Reaching under the table, she placed her hand on Lukas’ knee in what was to be a reassuring gesture. As the man continued, Anna’s fingers began to dig into Lukas at the irritation that the old man’s words brought her. Her eyes were fixed on the elder man as they continued to narrow in a tell-tale sign of Anna’s infamous temper. She was not going to impress anyone tonight but at least she was going down with a motherfucking bang. A momentary distraction came when Nik spoke, his words causing Anna to duck her head for a moment to hide the simple pleasure of being called Lukas’ girl. Her eyes caught the frown on Lukas’ lips causing the glee to quickly end. She was forgetting herself.
Clearing her throat loudly, Anna felt all five pairs of eyes on her as she spoke. Keeping constant eye contact with the eldest male, Anna proceeded to dig her own grave. “Mr. Dunstan, if you excuse my behavior, I would like to “pitch in” to your little conversation. I think Lukas has plenty discipline. After all, dragging yourself to class every day, staying late in the library so you can earn top grades, and taking on much more than you should for your work load does constitute discipline and hard work, am I correct? Then again, I could see how someone like you thinks the only kind of discipline he needs is to be waving a gun around and getting himself killed.” Feeling a sharp kick in her shin, Anna turned her head slightly to glare at Lukas before continuing. “Furthermore, I really hardly think you should talk about discipline, respectability, and all that fun jazz. You can’t even grasp that your son wants something different than you. Let him live his own life and you can live yours.” Where was the shotgun for suicide? She could feel her insides beginning to churn in nerves the entire time. What the FUCK had she been thinking? She needed to play it off. Even if it meant making herself look bad, or spitting out some of the truth in the process. After all, she was pretty sure the entire family hated her guts by now. “If anyone here needs discipline, I think I’m the front runner for that. My police records can speak for me quiet plainly.” She then returned to her meal waiting for the eldest male to strangle her, yell, or ask her to leave.
After several minutes of uncomfortable silence, Anna excused herself to Lukas’ bedroom. “You stupid fuck. Can’t you just keep your god damn mouth shut for once?” She muttered to herself as she saw the door opening to Lukas. Closing her eyes in an expectant yell and leaning away, she opened one of them and relaxed when he grabbed her hand. The shakes began to slow down in frequency but were increasing in pressure. “I-I need a cigarette. Just a bit of nicotine…” Oh God, she did sound like an addict. As he asked why she had kissed him, she shrugged it off. “Your sister thinks we’re dating! I went along with it.” It wasn’t till he spoke again – saying the word US that Anna let go of his hand immediately. “Why are you doing this Lukas? Is this funny to you?” She eyed him with tired wary eyes. “Am I so fucking obvious that you have to keep playing me like that?” At his confused look, Anna looked around the room taking deep breaths to keep herself calm.
“I mean you kiss me and you try to sleep with me. I can deal with that. That’s you being you.” She waved her hand at him to emphasize her words. “But then you invite me to meet your family, start calling us US, then you hold my hand…Jesus! This isn’t funny, Lukas! You have a girlfriend or whatever she is to you!” Her heart was pounding wildly in her ears as she listened to the words coming out of her mouth. A part of her wanted to backtrack while the other half encouraged her to get this off her chest for once and for good. Then she could run – somewhere to a place where he couldn’t find her with his mixed signals. “I know I’m a whore, Lukas! I get paid to act! But that doesn’t mean I don’t have fucking feelings!” With those words, she laid her hands on his chest giving him a weak shove. “I’m going downstairs to inform your family that I’ll be leaving in the morning. I’ll be out of your hair in D.C. as well by the time you return.” If she hadn’t already informed everyone within the country by screaming out those words at him.