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Title: Things I Am Not Allowed to Do At Hogwarts
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ink - July 26, 2011 03:47 AM (GMT)
So before you start reading the list here's the story behind it:

This past January I was messing around at school when I got the idea to put together alist of all the icons. From there I expanded the list and started adding ones that I had personally come up. And then my friends found out about it and start suggesting ones to add. That's how this whole thing came to be.

Feel free to add to it, but try to wait until I have the whole thing posted. I'll be posting 100 of them at a time unless there's a reason why I can't. So here it is.

150++++ Things I am Not Allowed to Do At Hogwarts

1. I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colours indicate that they are "covered in bees".

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

6. I will not go to class skyclad.

7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

8. I will not use Unbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

9. I will stop refering to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

11.If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

12. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is
tasteless and tacky, and not a clever money making concept.

14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.

16. I will not claim Chick Flicks are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.

17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

21. There is no such thing as were-thylacine.

22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.

23. I will not bring an Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf in the library shelves.

25. Tricking the school house elves into stripping does not mean they are now mine, even if I yell "Owned!"

26. I am not a Sloth Animagus.

27. I am not a Tribble Animagus.

28. I am allowed to have a toad, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

31. Neither does Sirius Black.

32. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

33. I will not lick Trevor.

34. Nor will I kiss him to see if he turns into a prince.

35. I will stop asking the Arithmacy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

36. The Ravenclaws are not "mentals in training."

37. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazghul is coincedental.

38. I will not change the password to the prefect's bathroom to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty."

39. There is no such thing as an Invisibility thong.

40. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be adressed as "Admiral Naismith".

41. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" is only funny the first time.

42. "42" is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.'s

43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

44. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevy.

44. Or Dean Thomas.

45. I am not to owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

46. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

47. I will stop asking when we learn how to make "Love Potion Number Nine."

48. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

49. I will not teach first-years to sing "A Wizard Staff has a Knob on the End."

50. If Ginny Weasley had wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.

51. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetic Corperation.

53. I will not draw an "H" on Percy's forehead.

54. My name is not Captain Subtext.

55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potion ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones".

56. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as the "Big Black Sex Auror."

57. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.

58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

60. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a "pimp cane".

61. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

62. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.

63. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey".

64. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

65. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

66. A wand is for magic only. It is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I am.

67. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsum Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.

68. I will stop refering to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder".

69. First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

70. A dog toy is not an appropriate gift for Sirius Black.

71. I am not to reply to everything Professor Lupin says with, "Are you fucking Sirius?"

72. Sirius Black's name is not "Siriusly Black".

73. I will not sing, "We're off to see the Wizard" when sent to the headmaster's office.

74. Thriller is not the school dance.

75. And am I not allowed to teach all of the first years do the Thriller dance on Halloween claiming it is a school tradition.

76. There is not a school band and I am not apart of it.

77. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

78. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

79. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good versus Evil I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!!!"

80. I should not refer to DADA teachers as "canaries in the coal mines."

81. I will not say the phrase, "Dude get a life." to Lord Voldemort because it will probably get me killed and is disrespectful.

82. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

83. There is not, nor has there ever been, a fifth house of Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house nor it's founder.

84. I will not refer to the summoning charm (Accio) as the force.

85. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

86. I will not tell Professor Trelawny that I foresaw her death.

87. I will not use first year Slytherins as christmas decorations.

88. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

89. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does death." maybe correct, but is not the manner in which one should answer.

90. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the ministry are here.

91. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.

92. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period." amusing in any sense.

93. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

94. A time turner is not a Flux Capacitator and I should therefore not install one in any muggle cars.

95. I will not charm Hermione's time turn to rotate every half-hour.

96. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds then I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

97. I will not claim my X-Files are "Auror training videos".

98. When being interrogated by a member of the staff I am not to wave my hand and announce, "These are not the droids you are looking for."

99. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

ink - July 26, 2011 03:54 AM (GMT)
100. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

101. Neither is Professor McGonagall.

102. Actually none of the staff is my personal Jesus and neither are any of the Weasley, Harry Potter, the Marauders or anyone else that ever attended Hogwarts.

103. I am not authorized to to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

104. I will not follow the potion instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.

105. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains Bilbo Baggins.

106. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.

107. I wil not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

108. I will not introduce Peeves to paintballing.

109. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup and Bubbles.

110. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.

111. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.

112. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.

113. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

114. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

115. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

116. I will not tell the first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

117. I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibilty Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common room.

118. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.

119. I will not yell "Believe it...or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.

120. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

121. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

122. There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.

123. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.

124. I will never ask Harry Potter if his scar senses are tingling.

125. Voldemort is not Ganandorf and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

126. Hogwarts does not have a marching band and I should stop attempting to get one started.

127. I will stop throwing suprise birthday parties for various Hogwarts staff.

128. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.

129. I will not charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.

130. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".

131. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

132. "Draco Malfoy takes it up the arse." is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

134. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

135. I will not wear my "DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!!!" shirt to school.

136. I am not allowed to re-enact any famous battle of the Revolutionary War in the charm corridor.

137. I am not allowed to declare an offical Hug a Slytherin day.

138. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my enterance into any classroom.

139. I will not try and start Naked Thrusdays in the common room.

140. Or school wide.

141. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!!" everytime I apparate.

142. Or enter a class room.

143. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and
use it to patrolthe hallways.

144. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the Hallways.

145. I am not allowed to hum the theme song to Little Shop of Horror while in herbology.

146. I will not teach the first years to play "The Penis Game" while in the Great Hall.

147. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

148. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.

149. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously.

150. I will not tell first years that Professor Snape is the voice of God.

151. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.

152. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

153. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

154. "To conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

155. Dumbledore is not Gandalf in disguise.

156. It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" everytime Snape takes points from Gryffindor.

157. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to preform an experimental spell.

158. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"

159. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Sat Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni" from various directions.

160. Getting everyone in the Great Hall do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points.

161. I will not teach the front doors to recognize Filch and not let him in.

162. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

163. I am not allowed to tell first years that there is a playground in the Forbidden Forest.

164. Giving Professor Snape a Ton Tongue toffee is not acceptable.

165. Singing Pop Goes the Weasel when Professor Dumbledore is giving a speech is not permitted.

166. I will not introduce Slytherins to 'my pet dog Fluffy', no matter how tempting it is.

167. Shouting "How could you betray me like that?!" whenever Snape removes house points is forbidden.

168. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape's store and add some to the teacher's morning tea.

169. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "happy place".

170. I must not convince first years that the new password to the Gryffindor Tower is 'Petrificus Totalus' and must be said with their wands pointed at themselves.

171. I will not tell Professor Trelawny that my tea cup says she's lying.

172. I am not allowed to dress up like Neville's grandmother when going to a Halloween party in Snape's dungeon.

173. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden is because it contains werewolves and acromantula, not because there is a secret cave with the answers to every test. And I should refrain from telling first years that there is.

174. A bludger is not a bowling ball and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

175. I will not tye-dye all of the owls.

176. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.

177. The house elves are not there to do my homework.

178. There is no bring a muggle to school day.

179. The proper way to report to a teacher is "Yes, sir." not "You can't prove a thing."

180. A hug is not all Professor Snape needs.

181. I must stop telling first years about the time a Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

182. I must not throw Mrs. Norris out windows.

183. Telling Draco Malfoy to “Make like a ferret and bounce” is always a bad idea.

184. I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame it on that someone put the Imperious curse on me.

185. I will not throw Hermione’s Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom.

186. I must not leave shampoo on Professor Snape’s desk with directions on how to use it.

187. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause
the information to sink through their skull and into the brain.

188. I will not take a hippogriff to the summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions.

189. I wll not use magic to change test questions into those that I can answer.

190. When I see Professor Umbridge I will not say, “There you are Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you.”

191. Harry Potter is not my “Protection Sheild” to carry around to ward off evil.

192. I will not introduce Peeves to IM.

193. I will not try to convince Voldemort that is a much faster and therefore better way to communicate with his Deatheaters.

194. I will not tell McGonagall that she is bad luck because she can turn into a cat.

195. I will not introduce Peeves to television.

196. I will not tell Filch that he needs to bathe once in a while.

197. I will not sign my homework as “Snaperdoodle”.

198. When answering questions in Snape’s class I won’t finish my sentences saying, “dear Snaperdoodle”.

199. I will not hand out slips of paper asking students to answer the following: Do you think Snape is evil?

ink - July 26, 2011 03:59 AM (GMT)
200. I will not make a “Too sexy for my robes” slideshow full of pictures of Snape and show it during all of my classes.

201. I will not tell first years who are waiting to be sorted that in order to be sorted you must confess your deepest secret while wearing the hat.

202. And then blame it on someone else by telling the first years that my name is that of another student in which I extremly dislike.

203. The “I Hate Snape Club” is not a valid after class activity.

204. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong.

205. I will not tell Grawp that “Hermy” will give him a kiss if he eats certain members of the faculty.

206. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him “my little pony.”

207. I will not “borrow” a prefects badge for Peeves.

208. I will not attempt to set up a satelite dish on the astronomy tower.

209. There is no interpretive dance course offered at Hogwarts and I should stop signing up for it every year.

210. Yes the Great Hall is extremly large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.

211. I will not demonstrate how to juggle using two Bludgers and the Snitch.

212. I will not enter the Great Hall running and shouting “We’re all gonna die!” each time Snape comes to a meal.

213. I will not make farm animal noises in the back of Care of Magical Creatures.

214. Looking after a virtual pet is not a way to gain extra marks in Care of Magical Creatures.

215. Harry does not wish to wear a tutu to lunch and I should not make him.

216. I will not put dark circles over Harry's lenses and tell him that he has gone blind, no matter how funny it could get.

217. I will not sing Ebony and Ivory whenever I see Dean and Seamus together.

218. I will not tell first years that Fang is a hell hound.

219. I will not post notices in the common room saying that tomorow is a theme day, wear a costume. Even if it is vegtable day, pirate day or ninja day.

220. "Another one bites the dust" is not a song to sing during Quidditch matches.

221. Or during the annual battle between Deatheaters and Hogwarts.

222. The first few lines of Mama by MCR is not the best song to be singing during the first year sorting.

223. I will no tell students singing the Fat Albert theme song is a way to gain extra points in potions.

224. I will not laugh at Sirius if he changes his middle name to 'Lee'

225. I will not laugh at Lupin's 'time of the month'

226. I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle cupcakes with Veritiserium in them.

227. I will not make fun of Harry Potter and his 'Potter scar senses tingling'

228. I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of any war in any part of the school.

229. I will not cast "Petrificus Totalus" on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

230. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on the time muggles did that in history.

231. "All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.

232. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.

233. Even if I myself do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.

234. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT level potions classes.

235. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.

236. I will not tell Ravenclaws or Hufflepuff's that they are useless.

237. I will not call Hufflepuff's "a loyal pack of labradors".

238. It is not appropriate to trade first years between houses.

239. I will not tell first years that "any true witch or wizard" can see Thestrals and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school"

240. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy"

241. I will not attempt to determine if Malfoy is a natural blonde.

242. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never appropriate.

243. "Spring Time For Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

244. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Snape's office door.

245. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant'

246. Breaking into song during Potions class is not allowed.

247. Teaching first years to chorus in unison “The amazing bouncing ferret” whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is wrong, funny, but wrong.

248. I am not the ‘Defence Against The Boring Classes’ teacher.

249. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in potions class.

250. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

251. I am not allowed to introduce myself to first years as Tim the Enchanter.

252. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn’t written anywhere.

253. Yelling “BOO!” at Professor Moody is not wise.

254. I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco’s hands together.

255. I will not sing “Defying Gravity” during Quidditch practice.

256. Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.

257. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter’s prized Firebolt.

258. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as “Charlotte”

259. I will not swap Draco’s broom with one out of Filch’s broom cupboard.

260. I will not wear a hood, walk to Harry and claim to be his real father.

261. I will not tell Professor Trelawny that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

262. I am to asking Professor Snape to the Yule Ball.

263. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creep, and he does not need to be told…again.

264. Despite popular belief Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy.

265. I am not allowed to predict the end of the world more than once.

266. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin’s Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

267. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting pinata from the Whomping Willow.

268. I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas in Herbology class.

269. I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets.

270. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as “Kitchen Stadium”.

271. “Potter 6, Voldemort 0” is not a valid t-shirt slogan.

272. I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school anthem.

273. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, “Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!”

274. Telling Umbridge that cardigans are so 1994 will get you in trouble.

275. I must never tell Ron he looks like a puffer fish.

276. I am not allowed to sing “Holding Out For A Hero” whenever Harry Potter enters the room.

277. Putting fake spiders around Ron’s bed isn’t funny. Especially when he tries to jump out of the window.

278. It probably isn’t smart to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.

279. No matter how cool it sounds I will not release pixies into the school- it will end badly.

280. I will not use muggle hair dye to dye Draco Malfoy’s hair red.

281. After using the hair dye on Malfoy I will not attempt to claim him as the missing Weasley brother.

282. It is not a good idea to charm the funiture the potions classroom to be pink and fluffy.

283. I will not owl Voldemort a bottle of anti-depressants.

284. I will not make Snape an appointment with a muggle psychiatrist.

285. It is not a good idea to ask Snape if he is off his medication when he is angry.

286. Or ever.

287. I will not tell first years that it is customary to dye their hair in their house colours for their first day of lessons.

288. A lightening bold tatoo is NOT the ‘light mark’

289. Selling memorabilia with photographs of the ‘ferret incident’ is not allowed.

290. There is no annual ‘Dress Like Dumbledore’ day.

291. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.

292. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.

293. Especially my DADA essays.

294. I am not allowed to wear Death Eater robes to dinner and shout “Long live Lord Voldemort” because I think it’s funny.

295. I will not replace Professor Snape’s pumpkin juice with Skele-Grow.

296. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

297. I may not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.

298. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.

299. Neville is not my valet.

ink - July 26, 2011 04:07 AM (GMT)
300. There is no “open-mic night” at Hogwarts.

301. It is not a good idea to give Malfoy a “love note” from Ginny and vice versa.

302. It is not a good idea to show the notes to Pansy Parkinson and Daphne Greengrass.

303. It is a horrible idea to introduce “colour war” to Hogwarts with Slytherin as green, Hufflepuff as yellow, Gryffindor as red, and Ravenclaw as blue.

304. On no circumstances can you introduce rabid fan girls to Harry Potter.

305. You must no mix Ravenclaws with muggle geeks or Slytherins with popular people that are muggles. Or Blair Waldorf.

306. I am not to make a waterfall in the astronomy tower so I can surf down after class.

307. I am not allowed to change the Slytherin banner in the Great Hall to a pink and blue banner with a teddy bear on it.

308. Easter in Hogwarts is not to be celebrated by releasing hordes of pink rabbits and making the first years chase them.

309. I am not God.

310. Dumbledore is not God.

311. Despite being near omniscient, Professor McGonagall is not God.

312. Neither is Harry Potter.

313. I am not the founder of a new religion in which Snape is the Devil and the Weasleys are the chosen people and are to lead the followers of the light.

314. I cannot call it Weasleyity.

315. I cannot make the followers of the Weasleyity have red hair and freckles.

316. I may not borrow an extra want and watch DRUMLINE too many times. The results are too unpredicatable and Professor Flitwick would like his nose back some day.

317. I will never ask Draco if he’s ever “gotten in Crabbe or Goyle’s pants.” With or without his being a ferret.

318. Not only is it a bad idea to mix potions and nitroglycerine together, it is also dangerous.

319. Sending insulting owls to the American ministry and signing ‘Cornelius Fudge’ at the end will not entitle you any laughs or sympathy.

320. Singing a song about Umbridge being a ‘censored’ may be funny, but is insulting.

321. It is not the best idea to hand in nitroglycerine and call it your potions homework. We told you it was dangerous already.

322. It is inappropriate to send Binns an invitation to his own memorial service.

323. I will not transfigure good looking students of the opposite sex’s clothing into skimpy swimwear. Nor any of the teachers.

324. I will not charm the Slytherin’s benches to fly around the great hall while they are eating.

325. Changing the slips that are passed out at the end of the term to say, ‘Practicing magic during the holidays is encouraged, please try to hex at least five muggles.’ Is immature and a really bad idea.

326. Just because it was funny to have the school do the Time Warp, I will not teach them how to do the Soulja Boy Dance.

327. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

328. Throwing Mrs. Norris at the Whomping Willow is not nice.

329. “Disappearus little brotherus” is not a real spell.

330. I must not ask Voldemort why he looks like Michael Jackson.

331. Starting a betting pool with the Slytherins on when Harry Potter will die is not appropriate.

332. I will not ask Snape “When was the last time you took a bath?”

333. I will not feed Mrs. Norris to Fluffy.

334. I will not ask Sirius if he was neutered.

335. I will not throw books at Moaning Myrtle for points.

336. I will not eat doxy droppings for a bet.

337. Making a Polyjuice Potion and walking up to the person I copied to make them act crazy/act like a human mirror is not funny.

338. The fat lady is not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.

339. I am not to conjure the words “Drink Me” onto any vial of any potion in Snape’s classroom.

340. I am not allowed to take every copy of a book from the Twilight Saga and burn it.

341. I wll not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-exsistent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

342. I will not use the spell used to enchant Bludgers on any food items at mealtimes.

343. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.

344. Professor Umbridge is not the Wicked Witch of the West therefore she will not melt if water is poured on her, and I will not attempt to provew otherwise.

345. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan’s nose.

346. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape’s drink with them.

347. I will not tell non-Muggle students that the reason the metric system is all in the tens because Muggles can’t count higher than that.

348. Modifying the old ‘pail of water over the door” trick to “pail of bubotuber pus over the door” is frowned upon.

349. When asked to demonstrate “Muggle technology” by other students, I will not use C-4 and Professor Snape’s lab to do so.

350. No part of the school uniform is edible.

351. The proper way to report to a Professor is “You wanted to see me, Professer?” not “I have it on good authority that you have no evidence.”

352. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey and it is wrong to tell first years that they are.

353. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

354. I will not arrange for us to jump out of a massive cake at our impromptu birthday party for Professor Snape.

355. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper nor am I to claim that he is standing by Professor Dumbledore tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently.

356. Regardless of how much Professor Snape’s hair might annoy
me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.

357. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

358. The fact that there are only thee unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is “pretty much forgivable”

359. I will not ask the Room of Requirement to turn into “Snape’s bathroom”

360. I will not change all of the passwords to titles of Muggle science fiction films.

361. I will not give Lord Voldemort a replica of the Lord Of The Rings ring and insist that it will help him rule the world when I put a curse on it that turns him into a girl.

362. I will not, under any circumstances, bewitch Professor McGonagall’s mouth to play classical music every time she talks.

363. Just because they are not Unforgivable curses the use of swear words is still punishable.

364. It is not acceptable to make parodies of a Professor’s name.

365. Coming up with a fake disease and telling first years that they have it is not a good idea.

366. I am not allowed to make my own video game featuring Snape, Umbridge, Percy, Voldemort, Scrimgeour, and other real people as bosses.

367. And in said video game I am not allowed to make Harry Potter the main character.

368. Bribing several girls to attack Snape and wash his hair is a terrible waste of money.

369. I am not allowed to tell Snape afterwards that he now has ‘girl-approved hair’ in detention, thus referencing the muggle shampoo commercial.

370. I am not to slip Polyjuice potion to as many people as possible to make them look like me ‘purely for the humor’.

371. I am not allowed to cause mass hysteria amoung the first years by freaking out when the ghosts show up.

372. I will not yell, “Someone get Beowulf, Grendel’s broken in!” when I see Umbridge.

373. I will not tell Umbridge that is not Halloween though her Medusa interpretation is perfect.

374. I will not have first years re-enact any battle.

375. I will not give Peeves itching powder.

376. I will not attempt to exorcise Professor Binns.

377. I will not try to breed a thestral and a Grim.

378. I will not use magic to cause students to become their costumes on Halloween.

379. I will not accuse the Minister of being a Death Eater.

380. I will not put Polyjuice potion in Professor Trelawny’s tea. Especially with a hair from Sirius Black’s animagus form.

381. I will not enchant a stag to attack Professor Snape claiming that it is James Potter resurrected.

382. Install muggle fans in Divination class because I claim the AC isn’t working is not acceptable.

383. I cannot enter the Hufflepuff common room by attempting to shove keys in the entrance way.

384. Claiming my printer was not working is not a valid excuse for a late essay.

385. Replacing McGonagall’s pumpkin juice with Diet Coke, while amusing, makes her snort it out of her nose and detentions aren’t quite as amusing.

386. I will not mess up everyone’s schedules.

387. I will not put Professor Flitwick on a Christmas tree and claim I thought he was a decoration because of his size.

388. I am not allowed to turn the Gryffindors invisible and tell the first years: “They’re coming for you next!”

390. I am not the headmaster and am not allowed to sit in the Headmaster’s seat.

391. I will not ask Voldemort where his nose went.

392. I will not change the password to the Slytherin common room to ‘Long live Harry Potter’.

393. I will not demand that Professor Trelawny be given a muggle drug test.

394. I will not sneak Hagrid’s latest “pets” into Umbridge’s classroom.

395. I will not slip sleeping potions into my professor’s drinks.

396. Just because Hogwarts learned the Thriller, the Time Warp, and the Soulja Boy dance, it does not mean that I can “Teach them how to bougie.”

397. It is not funny in any way, shape, or form to suggest to one Dolores Umbridge that she should look for her true love’s kiss to turn back into a prince.

398. It is not appropriate to bring a paper fortune teller to Divination.

399. I will never tell Professor Trelawney that she ought to use a brush once in a while.

ink - July 26, 2011 04:12 AM (GMT)
400. I will not tell first years that their wardrobes are portals to Narnia.

401. I will not use Crookshanks as bait for “Fluffy Fishing”.

402. I will not make random “snake sounds” at Harry Potter in hopes of accidentally saying something he can understand.

403. Addressing Professor McGonagall as “kitten” is a very, very bad idea.

404. Asking Madame Prince if she is a “naughty librarian” is simply inappropriate.

405. I will not make “That’s what she said” jokes during class, no matter how perfect the opportunity.

406. Giving Professor Trelawney a muggle snow globe and claiming that it is a crystal ball is not funny…especially when she rambles on to the rest of the staff about the “Impending attack of the talking snowmen wearing top hats.”

407. I will not enchant hundreds of chocolate frogs in the school and call them ‘Umbridge’s children’.

408. I will also not charm them to follow Umbridge around the school.

409. I will not sell muggle pens to students for a profit. No matter how much neater thet are to write with.

410. I will not bribe the house elves to put love potion into all the cups except Harry Potter’s to see how Harry would deal with it.

411. I will not charm the Great Hall doors to shout “You will not pass!” everytime someone tries to get in. Even if Professor Dumbledore thinks it’s funny…We would like to eat you know.

412. Snape is not Batman and I will not hum/sing the Batman theme song whenever he enters a room.

413. Robes in colors other than black are not to be worn during weekdays.

414. The only sport offered at Hogwarts is Quidditch, not soccer, football, baseball, bowling, track and field, softball, volleyball, basketball or any other sport that you could think of.

415. I will not hand a red shirt to the new DADA professor and claim that they’re the standard uniform for the position.

416. I will not play the Darth Wader theme song for Professor Snape as he enters the room.

417. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room whenever they start to fight.

418. Asking, “So, when do we learn to saw a lady in half?” is not appropriate.

419. I’m not allowed to convince first years to play chicken with the Whomping Willow.

420. I will not follow the ghosts around and say that “I see dead people.”

421. I’m not allowed to ask Malfoy where he gets his hair done.

422. Yelling “To infinity and beyond” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

423. I am not allowed to enter Honeydukes and demand to see Willy Wonka.

424. And after demanding to see Willy Wonka I am not to say that I will not leave until I see the Oompa Loompas dance.

425. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her
with a can of Raid.

426. “Quidditch Players Do It in the Air” t-shirts are not allowed.

427. I am not allowed to suggest that the gryffindor team practice by playing Strip Quidditch.

428. I will not attempt to fuse the rules of chemistry with those of potions.

429. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it “Voldie’s Angels”.

430. I will not use the Marauder’s Map for stalking purposes.

431. I’m not allowed to tell Umbridge that she takes herself too seriously.

432. I am not to start a “Who can blow up their couldron first” contest in Potions class.

433. I will not put a “Kick Me” sign on Draco’s back.

434. I will not tell Professer Snape to suck it after he takes off house points.

435. I won’t sit in detention with Snape and ask him questions about his childhood.

436. I’m not allowed to start a beat-boxing club.

437. I’m not on Survivor and therefore I’m not allowed to vote people out of the common room.

438. If Draco, Harry, or any other seeker gets on my nerves I am not allowed to shout “Fetch!” and throw a little golden ball.

439. I will not borrow Trelawny’s tarot cards for a game of poker.

440. I am not allowed to post flyers around Hogwarts saying that classes have been canceled on Halloween.

441. I am also not allowed to convince first years that there are no classes on Halloween.

442. I am not to say that any of my witch relatives were crushed by a house.

443. A ferret is not the proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.

444. I’m not allowed to ask Lupin if it’s his “Time of the Month.”

445. I am not allowed to get Sirius Black any dog toy for a present.

446. Do not jump out at Mad-Eye Moody for a joke.

447. I am not to use the Floo system to play a game of “Ultimate Tag.”

448. Sirius Black is not the lead singer of the Foo Fighters nor vise versa and I should stop insisting that he is.

449. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.

450. I’m not allowed to yell BAMF everytime I walk into a room.

451. I will not tell Umbridge “Voldemart says ‘Hi’” every time I see her.

452. I am not allowed to get into fights.

453. I am not allowed to charm Professor Trelawny’s teacups to always have the Grim at the bottom.

454. I am also not allowed to hire Sirius Black to chase her around the school in his dog form.

455. I am not to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore’s candy.

456. When asked a question by Professor Snape I will not ask him to get the answer by Legilismency to give me a chance to practice occlumency.

457. Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes is wrong on so many levels.

458. I am not allowed to call Peeves ‘Casper the friendly ghost’.

459. I am not allowed to scream “Run Forest, run” as the teachers sprint of to stop some crisis.

460. I will not attempt to use the Whomping Willow to preform a Tarzan swing.

461. I will not question Ernie as to where ‘Bert’ is.

462. Voldemort does not wish to appear as the “before” for a line of cosmetics.

463. I am not to scream “VOLDEMORT!” at any time unless in the confines of a sound proof room.

464. I will not turn Malfoy into the amazing bouncing ferret when he insults me.

465. Nor will I blame Moody for teaching me how.

466. I may not sell Umbridge’s quill to emo students, especially if they’re no good at poetry.

467. Adding the name Bueller to Professor Binn’s attendence list is cruel.

468. I am not allowed to bow before Snape and say, “Oh mighty Half-Blood Prince, how may I be of service?” He doesn’t find this amusing.

469. I’m not allowed to take house points from Slytherins for “being too god damn short”.

470. I will not add ‘according to the prophecy’ to the end of every sentence in Divination class, just to raise my grade.

471. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.

472. I will not sell pennies as priceless Muggle collector coins.

473. I will not ask Professor Trelawny when she last had her Inner Eye tested.

474. I wil also not recommend that she get glasses for her Inner Eye.

475. I will not tell Ron that Draco Malfoy took Ginny’s virginity just to see his reaction.

476. I will not accuse Fluffy of having eaten my homework.

477. I am not allowed to respond to all of Snape’s insults with “I know you are but what am I?”

478. Naughty jokes regarding “Moaning” Myrtle are only funny the first time.

479. I will not try to ‘capture’ a unicorn in a ‘pokeball’

480. Mrs. Norris is not a suitable replacement for a pinata.

481. I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter’s father.

482. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, ‘Avada Kedavra’ does not fall under the First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

483. Calling Voldemort “Baldemort” is inappropriate.

484. Insisting that the school acquire computers and netwok the buildings is a pointless request.

485. I will not start a chain Howler.

486. I will not challenge Slytherins to ‘Meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn.’

487. I will not ask Professor Flitwick to sing “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”.

488. Nor will I ask him to sing “We Represent the Lollipop Guild”.

489. I’m not allowed to turn every answer into a sexual innuendo.

490. I will not wolf-whistle at Professer Snape.

491. I will not ask the house elves if they work for Santa Claus in the off season.

492. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as “Dumb and Dumber”.

493. I will not dress up as Voldemort and dress my friends up as Death Eaters on April Fools Day because that is just cruel.

494. I am not allowed to start a Death Eater Rehabilitation Center. Nor am I allowed to suggest that the Ministry start one.

495. Professer Snape’s problem is not that “he needs to get laid”.

496. I am not allowed to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he would lose his head if it wasn’t attached, that is just cruel.

497. I’m not allowed to use Harry’s broom to sweep the fire place.

498. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will offend them.

499. I will not refer to Professer McGonagall as Cat Woman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.

ink - July 26, 2011 04:16 AM (GMT)
500. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the oponent time to find their wand.

501. My life motto may not be “what happens in Hogwarts, stays in Hogwarts”.

502. The “I Hate Umbridge” Club is not a valid after class activity.

503. I will not tape a sign that says “Available” on the backs of Ron and Hermione.

504. I will not refer to any perplexing problem as a hatch in an effort to allude to the popular muggle TV show LOST.

505. I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione Granger.

506. When caught sleeping in class, I’m not allowed to claim that the Negaverse stole all of my energy and the Sailor Scouts have yet to get it back.

507. Stripping during breakfas is not a way to show Gryffindor bravery.

508. I’m not allowed to refer to Umbridges’s band of Slytherins as the Others in another effort to allude to LOST.

509. I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of Toads, even if she really is.

510. It is impolite to call Lucius “Lucy”.

511. Or “Luscious Mouthful”.

512. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.

513. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff is not advisable.

514. I am not allowed to ask Lord Voldemort “Who died and made you a lord?”

515. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

516. The four Houses are not the Morons (Gryffindors), the Borons (Ravenclaws), the Smartarses (Hufflepuffs) and the Junior Death Eaters.

517. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation I should not cite “Fred and George Weasley” as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

518. In the annual battle between Deatheaters and Hogwarts I will not sing, “99 Death Eaters alive in the war, 99 Deatheaters alive. You shoot a spell, they hit the ground. 98 Deatheaters alive in the war…” as we fight.

519. I will never, under any circumstances, share this list with Peeves.

520. Remus Lupin is not the infamous Hogwarts Cougar.

521. Umbridge is not a guy and I should stop trying to prove otherwise.

522. Lucius Malfoy does not dance everywhere and I should stop hexing him to do so.

523. There is no scarf of sexual preference and I should not make one.

524. And if I should just so happen to do so it is not married to the Sorting Hat.

525. Dumbledore is not “Big D”.

526. And Draco Malfoy is not “Little D”.

527. Dobby is not Draco’s real father.

528. And I should stop insisting so.

529. There is not nor there has never been a Headmaster “Zefron”.

530. And I will stop trying to make it so.

531. Hermione does not like to be refered as Herman.

532. There is no hidden swimming pool in Hogwarts.

533. I will not insist that David Tennet is Barty Crouch Jr.

534. I will not spread a rumor that Draco Malfoy wears diapers.

535. I will stop telling everyone about Pigfarts.

536. I will stop asking House Elves if they are afraid of toilets.

537. Professor Moody is not, nor will he ever be, disguised as a "sexy 956 year old Time Lord with BAMF hair".

538. Going up to Barty Crouch Jr. and asking him "where Rose is" is not acceptable.

539. Despite what you may believe, Lord Voldemort is not a regeneration of The Master from the popular muggle television show "Doctor Who".

540. The Death Eaters are not Daleks.

541. Rufus Scrimgeour is not Davy Jones.

542. And the ministry is not his locker.

543. It is not acceptable to tell the first years that Bellatrix Lestrange is going to bake them in a pie.

544. Similarly, it is not permitted to inform the students that Professor Snape is going to steal them from their parents and marry them.

545. Harry Potter is not Darren Criss in disguise.

546. And Ron is not Joey Ritcher in disguise.

547. I do not live in a musical, therefore I am not allowed to break out in song in the middle of class.

548. Draco is not actually a girl pretending to be a guy.

549. There is no such thing as Pigfarts.

550. It is unwise and unhealthy to ask Voldemort if he's been waiting all these years to dance again.

551. It is not acceptable to ask Professor Sprout if she has found an Audrey II yet.

552. I am not allow to to call Hufflepuffs Jigglypuffs.

553. Dumbledore does not know the song 'Model Major General' and I should therefore not ask him to sing it.

554. I am not allowed to arrange a flash dance to randomly occur throughout the school day.

555. It is not appropriate to shout "FEED ME SEYMOUR" when I enter the Great Hall for a meal or whenever I am hungry.

556. I will not attempt to get pizza delivered.

557. I will not pretend to be mute for duration of the time that I spend at Hogwarts and then start talking in the middle of my seventh year just to see how everyone reacts.

558. Even if Lucius Malfoy might have been a therapist in another life I am not to force him to sit down and listen to my feelings.


And that is the end of the list. Right there alllll 536 of them. Please feel free to add on to it. It's always interesting to see what people come up.

soapy - July 26, 2011 09:50 PM (GMT)
ministry is so his locker.

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