Long ago, after the ring was destroyed, peace reigned in middle-earth. Gimli hated every second of it. where was the randomness? the excitement? his questions were to be answered soon. one night, a brown she-goat came in and, because the coming of the she-goat would be pointless if Gimli stayed asleep, he woke up. the goat moved toward Gimli and... well... I made it a she-goat for a reason. and since no one wants to hear what a goat does during nine months of pregnancy (*many clueless readers go 'ohhhh...'*) something inexplicable happened and the goat gave birth there and then. the creature that came out was a little on the strange side. it had the face of a dwarf, but instead of having the giant beard-mustache combo that weighs more than most television sets, he only had a little goatee. he also had tiny, spiraling horns coming out of his head. his body was mostly that of a goat, but with 4 short dwarf legs instead of goat legs. but his tufty little tail was flickering in and out of vision. a handy little spirit known as Writer's License (you’ll be seeing a lot of him) informed Gimli and the goat that this was because happy dwarf-goats could change their appearance from dwarf to goat at will, but were happiest in the centaur-esque state. Realizing that they had created something interesting and possibly marketable as an action figure, Gimli and the goat got busy again. of course, one of them couldn’t mate with their child themselves, because then the product would either be three-fourths goat or three-fourths dwarf, and then if it mated again it would be either seven-eights dwarf or seven-eights goat or five-sixths goat or five-sixths dwarf and it would all be really confusing and they’d probably just call themselves Irish. (My friend Mr. Spoon would like to inform u that that sentence was 65 words long) Gimli and the goat's other baby was a girl, obviously. You couldn’t pay me to describe how two male creatures populated a race without modern technology. Anyway, Gimli and the goat were immediately zapped by condensed bolts of lightning, which is what happens to characters that are no longer relevant to the plot. anyway, the 2 infant happy dwarf-goats were named Lufgif and Bob by Writer's License ('yes, bob is a girl's name' became Writer's License's most frequently spoken sentence as of that moment) and they ran off and had a wonderful childhood hidden in Middle-earth filled with flowers and butterflies and a whole bunch of other crap taken right out of a scene from 'Bambi'. But when they began to reproduce, things got out of hand. Dwarves with horns and goats with dwarf faces and goats with dwarf legs started making mysterious appearances in Tolkien’s books. So he sent his copyright lawyers *dun dun dun* into middle-earth to discover the problem.
After many days and nights (the dwarf-goats had been playing hide and seek, see) one of the lawyers stumbled upon the dwarf-goats' dwelling (he had gone to find a nice healthy bush to crap in). He got a nice sharp horn in his pale, lawyer-y backside. He screamed like Napoleon Dynamite and attracted all the other lawyers. They came running with autograph books. little-known fact about lawyers-- they are napoleon dynamite freaks and spend their free time practicing their "flippin' IDIOT!" voices.
once the lawyers found what had caused their highly embarrassed comrade to scream, they pulled out their trademarking guns and prepared to shoot. These guns looked lethal, shiny, and overdramatically slick. The very definition of lawyer. Writer's License informed Lufgif that these trademark guns would fire little TMs and if u were hit u would become a trademark of Tolkien Enterprises. Then our little spirit friend grudgingly flew off to a conference with George Bush about how he made it sound like Bob and Lufgif were gay. ANYway, Lufgif freaked. He started shouting in dwarf-goatanese (which is pretty much just shouting 'I like yoga, I like pilates, I like black-haired Japanese hotties!' in various accents) that everyone should duck and cover because lawyers suck. but, one of the less corrupt lawyers (it was his first day) convinced his comrades that, instead of enslaving the little happy creatures, they should simply use their mad lawyer skills to create a little world just for the happy little creatures to get them out of Tolkien's hair. so, Lufgif and his family were sucked up into magic lawyer void that transported them to their own world. ten seconds later the lawyer got a call saying that he was fired for failing to be an annoying bitch. my friend Mr. spoon would like to inform you that the word lawyer has been typed 13 times so far. oh wait, now its 14! be stingy or the lawyers’ get you! o, wait, that's 15! Mr. Spoon would like to inform you that his head is spinning. Writer's License, who's backside was stinging from his meeting with Bush, named the land of the happy dwarf-goats Vedui. The happy dwarf-goats found that skittles grew on trees in Vedui, and they got really high. (Skittles make dwarf-goats high, not weed or anything). the dwarf-goat population nearly doubled that night. and in all the merriment, a dwarf-goat wrote a song:

I'm a happy dwarf-goat, yes I am!
I'm a happy dwarf-goat and I'm high on spam!
My horns are sharp, and my ass is hairy!
I think lawnmowers, port-a-potties and lamps are scary!
Everything's flippin' sweet in Vedui!
We're free as birds and we can get screwy!
We never get sick, we don't even cough!
Though occasionally beavers flip us off!
It's all good, like the man on the moon!
Though I bet we'll have problems soon!
Otherwise this would be the end of dwarf-goats!
And no one wants that! unless they're ugly bloats...
Don't be a retard!
Don't be a duck!
Be a happy dwarf-goat!
And lawyers suck!

Be a happy dwarf-goat! and lawyers suck...