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 Shrek The Turd
Harkovast
Posted: Apr 18 2012, 11:44 PM


The cause of all this silliness (sorry about that!)


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Shrek the Turd (also called the Third by people who have not seen it.)

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
Two Face said that...just before he became a villain...and he was right, damn it!
This is a pretty good summary of the Shrek franchise.
The first Shrek film was a fresh and original take on animated family films. It took a mocking swipe at the conventions of Disney movies, with a villain intent on creating his "perfect kingdom".
A sequel followed and (remarkably) it was even better than the first one! It expanded on the ideas of the first film, building on and improving on what had gone before.
It ended on an incredibly cool and funny final chase that included Jennifer Saunders singing a bonkers version of "holding out for a hero" that really has to be seen to be believed.
This proves that sequels do not always suck.
Unfortunately, an even more dependable rule is that the third entry in a trilogy will always be total shit.
And so we come to Shrek the Third.
It really is a weird experience watching this film, because it looks like the previous Shrek films, the characters have the same names as in the previous Shrek films but that is really where the similarities come to an end.
It feels rather like it was made by someone who had seen a Shrek film and vaguely understood what was happening on screen and decided that it should be pretty simple to slap together their own Shrek movie.
How hard could it be?

To make it easier, let me just list some of the key mistakes, fuck ups and shit that the franchise spews upon us in this film.


1- Missing The Point
The previous films were based on the idea that Shrek was a monster, a loner and an outsider. It was a subversion of the cinematic fairy tale conventions to have him then be the hero who saves the day. He doesn't turn into a price in the end...the princess turns into an ogre!
Shrek the Third has the bad guy get together an army of evil fairy tail villains (without the big bad wolf...he's already a good guy). These consist of some evil trees, a cyclops, walking suits of armour....you know, the classics. There is also a really lame captain hook and a load of witches (try not to get too excited here.)
They are evil villains being evil. No subversion, no twist, just exactly what you would expect evil villains to be doing.
These guys are led by Prince Charming who has been elevated from the rank of comedy evil side kick to main villain because the writers have run entirely out of ideas.
His evil plan is to march in with his evil army and take over.
I bet the writers were up all night thinking of that one.

2- The Vanishing Guards.
In the second film the castle was defended by an army of knights. When the bad guys invade in this film, they walk right in with no contest.
Now that would be odd enough, but then once the castle is taken...the guards show up in bad guy uniforms! Where did they get evil uniforms? Who knows? I guess the bad guy brought them with him.
They now work for the bad guy and appear entirely loyal, the point of capturing princess Fiona on Prince Charming's orders.
This is made even weirder when none of the characters comment on it.
Fiona doesn't even try just saying "I am your queen, arrest this usurper!"
She just seems to accept that since they put on bad guy uniforms, they work for him now.

3- No one understands the monarchy.
I will resist the urge to make jokes about Americans being confused by the idea of a monarchy at this point, but whoever made this film does NOT get it.
The concept seems simple enough- When the ruler dies their child gets the job, failing that their next closest relative.
So when Shrek decides he does not want to be king (he married princess Fiona) Short of a divorce or murdering her, he wouldn't really have much say in the matter since she is the ruler not him. But this movie is kinda sexist so it's assumed that if he find a replacement king he is off the hook and so goes looking for King Arthur.
Unless he wants Arthur to marry Fiona...this plan does not really make any sense.
But it turns out its not just Shrek that doesn't understand succession.
Prince Charming of all people seems pretty baffled by the concept.
When he captures Shrek and Arthur he recognises who Arthur is (and that he is next in line.) Shrek then insults Arthur and says he was just part of his plans and he doesn't really care about Arthur.
Arthur gets upset and leaves.
Charming allows this.
This is presented as some kind of cunning plan by Shrek.
Why Charming doesn't realise that killing Shrek would just make Arthur king and leaving a claimant alive and running loose is a ridiculously bad idea is not clear(and yes it does make him lose in the end of the movie...how did you guess?)

4- Freaky Friday Body Swapping
The two side kicks (Puss In Boots and Donkey) swap minds and voices.
Yes, they actually use this gimic.
And they don't go anywhere with it.
Its not important and not funny and gets put back to normal by the end of the movie without consequence.
Calling it a subplot would be an exaggeration.

5-Eric Idle is in it
You know when this money grubbing former Python shows up its a bad sign.
I swear he made some kind of deal with the devil in order to make Monty Python funny and in exchange he has to agree to appear in any movie he is asked to be in regardless of quality.
These days I am pretty sure he wouldn't turn down a part in the recording of my children's birthday party....though I dare not ask him. Considering the lazy performances he has been putting in since Monty Python finished, I wouldn't want him to wreck it for the kids.

6- Every New Character Sucks
King Arthur, Merlin, a load of princesses, probably some other twats I cant even remember, every new character this movie includes it boring, forgettable and pointless. You'd think you could make one of them seem interesting just by random chance, but there is not one here that anyone would be talking about when they finish the film (except in snarky reviews...obviously!)

7- Build Up To Nothing
The end scene works its way up to final confrontation where it seems Shrek is going to killed during a play Charming has put on to make himself look good (while weirdly making his own songs sound evil...which just makes the whole situation feel confusing.)
Then all of the good guys, who have been rushing from various places to help him, arrive to make the rescue.
And then bad guys jumps out and capture them all.
Just like that.
The film makers had an ending in mind that requires everyone to be captured so they have to just suddenly have previously competent fighters instantly beaten so that they can get to the uninspired finish.
How contrived is this? They capture the Dragon by pointing crossbows at it.
A fucking 50 foot tall dragon that breaths fire and no knight in the kingdom could fight...beaten by just pointing a few crossbows at it.
Did they even watch the first two films before making this trash?

8-Nothing Is FUNNY!
This movie makes no sense, has no heart, no point and was clearly made to just drain more cash from the Shrek franchise.
But most tellingly...it just isn't funny.
All the humour, all the wit all the cleverness has been drained away.
We are left with an empty husk of a Shrek film, bled white of any possible entertainment.

To sum up, if you want to know how bad this film is...let me quote what a lot of reviews of the next film - Shrek Ever After.
"At least its not Shrek the Third"
Whatever shit they may make or remake with the Shrek franchise in the future, this will always stay the bench mark for bad.


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"...the details escape me right now."
-Sir Muir on life.
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Tiberius
Posted: Apr 19 2012, 12:42 AM


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doesn't this have its own section now?

also, while I agree this movie was a turd, the pun makes me groan.

my thoughts on the shrek series

shrek 1- funny
shrek 2- very funny
shrek 3- uggh
shrek 4- haven't seen. looks meh.

as for Eric Idle, I don't think he's a money grubbing asshole. He picks a plethora of bad parts, but he always seems to put more effort into it then it deserves. I don't know why he picks such bad parts. Money? debt? Boredom? Shits and giggles?


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Local amateur philosopher, debater, idealist, furry, Transhumanist, and asexual.
Favorite pony- RAINBOW DASH
"F*** Nihilism"
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Harkovast
Posted: Apr 19 2012, 12:58 AM


The cause of all this silliness (sorry about that!)


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Hahah Tiberius 50 points for noticing that I dont even know where to post things on my own damn forum!


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"...the details escape me right now."
-Sir Muir on life.
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Renard
Posted: Apr 19 2012, 02:07 AM


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I thought about telling you earlier, but I figured it would be rude to start telling the administrator how his own forum is organized.

And I'm lazy.


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metabad
Posted: Apr 19 2012, 05:02 AM


Whoaaaaaaaaa nellyyyyyyyyyyyyy


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*sees topic title*

...*pumps fist into air* YES!

*goes to read review*


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510 Harko-points
QUOTE (Harkovast @ Feb 18 2013, 09:23 PM)
Don't worry.
I am not like an ape flinging poo.

I am like a CHILD playing in POO.

Important distinction.
user posted image
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Canuovea
Posted: Apr 19 2012, 05:07 AM


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The Shrek series ended with the second one.

Kinda like the Alien "Quadrillogy."


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Resident philosophy and history nut. And amateur swordsman.

"Purple swords? Darsai are weird." -Elyssa

I have: 3601 Harko-points +1000
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Renard
Posted: Apr 19 2012, 01:23 PM


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I agree with Alien, they should have ended with the second film.


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Canuovea
Posted: Apr 19 2012, 06:32 PM


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Yeah, and the fourth film was just... I don't... I... Ron Pearlman and a dude in a wheelchair.

The third film was less shitty, but I just didn't like it.


--------------------
Resident philosophy and history nut. And amateur swordsman.

"Purple swords? Darsai are weird." -Elyssa

I have: 3601 Harko-points +1000
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Harkovast
Posted: Apr 19 2012, 08:02 PM


The cause of all this silliness (sorry about that!)


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I like Monty Python as much as the next decent, God fearing Englishman...but Eric Idle has coasted on that for too long! No more free passes!

Aliens was definitely just two films, and the matrix was only one.


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"...the details escape me right now."
-Sir Muir on life.
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Canuovea
Posted: Apr 19 2012, 08:10 PM


Current Ultimate Harko Fan and Centurion Canadia


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Yeah, I'll agree with that.


--------------------
Resident philosophy and history nut. And amateur swordsman.

"Purple swords? Darsai are weird." -Elyssa

I have: 3601 Harko-points +1000
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Niccea
Posted: May 12 2012, 05:19 PM


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The fourth movie wasn't too bad. I have seen all three. The fourth is not on par with the first but it does return a bit more toward the original premise of the first two Shrek movies. But it does that kooky "It's a Wonderful Life" twist. Rather outdated.


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Harkovast
Posted: May 12 2012, 11:52 PM


The cause of all this silliness (sorry about that!)


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See, Niccea? The 4th is always "well its a bit better I guess" and "Its moving more in the right direction" because it simply couldn't be worse than number three.

I really hope this franchise now finally stays dead.
Though I am sure at some point hollywood will dig up its corpse for further defilement.


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"...the details escape me right now."
-Sir Muir on life.
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dwrean
Posted: May 15 2012, 01:23 AM


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the fourth one is aweful in my opinion

to understand, i will say this in the defense of the third

it accomplished SOMETHING

shrek gets over the idea of bad fatherhood

they go back to the swamp and begin their family life

hell, most of the goons you could say get their 'happy' ending.

the fourth?

it reignites the love of shrek and fiona's marriage, after a horribly rushed story and an ugly start.

also, we dont get to learn anything about what ogres are like in their world. wasted
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Harkovast
Posted: May 16 2012, 11:19 PM


The cause of all this silliness (sorry about that!)


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I dont think I will ever watch part four unless it turns up on tv.
Number 3 killed the any interest I might have had in the characters.


--------------------
"...the details escape me right now."
-Sir Muir on life.
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metabad
Posted: Jul 5 2012, 12:00 AM


Whoaaaaaaaaa nellyyyyyyyyyyyyy


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What I really hated about Shrek 3 was how much of a pansy he became in it.

Like even back when I watched it, even then I noticed how stupid it was that a scrawny guy like Arthur could just knock aside a huge ogre while he was steering the ship. I know this is some sort of fairy tale land and all that, but there's no way that could ever happen and the fact that I had to buy that was just...no. I dunno, it was really minor but it REALLY bothered me.

I think if memory serves me right, Eric Idle actually sued the producers of Shrek 3 for using the coconut gag...even though he was in the movie itself. I could be remembering it wrong but if its true then that's just really stupid. Like, you think he'd know in at least some way that the gag is being used beforehand if he's in the movie and you think that if he knew and disapproved of it that he could try talking it over with the producers on having the gag removed. Then again, given how bad the movie turned out I guess I can't blame him.

Arthur was incredibly annoying throughout the entire movie, so unlikable and constantly whining over and over again about not wanting to be king. Its like okay, we get it already, yeesh. The guy was just unlikable through and through and the fact that Justin Timberlake voiced him really didn't surprise me. It did anger me though.

I remember that weird body-swapping subplot being advertised endlessly in the trailers for the movie, I thought they'd go somewhere with it, throughout the entire time I watched the movie I wondered when the heck it would start, then when it started it...just sorta was there, in the background not really noticeable and then before I knew it it was over. Why include it and advertise it endlessly if you're not going to do anything with it? Also yeah it wasn't funny and didn't accomplish anything, so yeah basically I thought the exact same thing about it as you did.

I did like the idea of Prince Charming being the villain, especially since it was implied by the end of the second movie that he was still around, therefore I thought he'd of course be the villain of the third part and try to avenge the fairy godmother in some way. The way it was done though...yeah, I like the idea of him being the villain and him teaming up with other fairy tale villains, but it DEFINITELY could have been done much MUCH better than the uninspired way they did it.

Oh god I nearly forgot about the crossbows imprisoning the dragon, man they obviously completely forgot about how powerful these characters used to be. First Arthur knocks around Shrek like a pinata and now this.

I remember back before I saw this movie I was really excited for it, since Shrek 2 was better than the first I thought that Shrek 3 would undoubtedly be the BEST one of the entire trilogy. Boy how wrong and disappointed I was. The whole movie just feels by-the-numbers and pointless, no soul was in this movie at all...heck it wasn't even so bad it was good, it was just boring and lame.

One other thing that bothered me, when Prince Charming stabs Shrek and everyone thinks its real (even Charming itself) but then it turns out "oop I tucked it underneath my armpit the entire time, I got you all good hur hur hur" I mean, wouldn't Prince Charming know about that? Why doesn't he know? Why would he aim for his armpit in the first place? Why does this catch him by surprise? Why doesn't he just correct his mistake by pulling out the sword and stabbing him for real this time? Why does it make HIM out to be powerless when he's in full control and Shrek is chained up? Why does such a stupid thing exist? Why was this movie made?

I also hated the ogre babies. Shrek being a father is just weird to me and not something I'd like to see in any movie thank you. Also the babies look hideous and seem to me like the creators REALLY wanted to jump at the chance at selling plush toys of these things to anyone who thought they looked cute in any way. (which they don't at all.)

I also probably won't watch part 4 unless its REALLY outstanding (which I heard it wasn't.)

Great review Hark, you got down a good chunk of things I hated about the movie (not all of it but just enough to keep me satisfied.)


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510 Harko-points
QUOTE (Harkovast @ Feb 18 2013, 09:23 PM)
Don't worry.
I am not like an ape flinging poo.

I am like a CHILD playing in POO.

Important distinction.
user posted image
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