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Posted: Mar 27 2012, 05:25 AM
Sometimes, maybe, probably not
Member No.: 12
Joined: 15-August 11
(Made by Harkovast, reposted from Drunkduck.)
(more bad language is on the way, brace yourselves)
In the future, a big dark burning orb made of pure evil is coming to destroy the Earth. The only thing that can stop it is an ancient weapon powered by the four classical elements, earth, fire, air and water, combined with the power of the secret fifth element.
Sounds pretty good doesn't it?
The bad news is, it turns out the final element is shit.
A big steaming pile of BULLSHIT!
Back when this movie came out, there hadn't been a good original sci-fi film in years, so I was understandably excited that a huge sci-fi epic with Bruce Willis trying to save the universe was on the way.
Considering the only other sci-fi film of note around that time was Space Jam,in which Bugs Bunny sucks on Michael Jordan's sweaty balls for an hour and a half, you can see why I would be fired up for this film.
This movie is gay.
No, I don't mean gay as in an insult like unimaginative homophobes on the internet seem so apt to do.
I mean literally homosexual, camp, out of the closet, hooray for the gay let's rejoice with the boys in the gay way, GAY!
The costumes were designed by a professional fashion designer. A pretty snazzy idea huh? Bet that will lead to some really imaginative outfits right?
Unfortunately, the fashion designer they picked was Jean Paul Gaultier.
Now if you aren't familiar with his work, Mr. Gaultier is basically exactly like the Sacha Baren Cohen character 'Bruno'. Only French instead of Austrian. Now if you imagine if you got Bruno to design all the costumes for your epic sci-fi masterpiece...perhaps you can see how this was maybe not such a good idea?
We get bad guy minions in rubber cycling shorts, starship crews in rubber sailor suits (again, with shorts) and perhaps most frightening of all, Bruce Willis with bleach blonde hair and a rubber vest.
Dear God help us!
Am I the only one who thinks this isn't the ideal look for an Epic Space Adventure?
On the documentaries that came with the DVD even the actors seemed unsure of how much of a good idea this was. Bruce describes it as "well you have to do what they tell you". Thanks for your honesty, Bruce, we here at the Vast appreciate it!
While that may make me forgive you for the dreadful fashions, Mr. Willis, it does not excuse the way in which you seem to be phoning in your dialogue. You can tell that Bruce would like to be almost anywhere rather than filming this heap of shit. He grumbles out his growling dialogue and squints angrily and presumably cashes a fat pay cheque at the end.
But considering what some of the rest of this cast manage, you can see why Bruce feels safer just not trying, because when these idiots try to act, it drives straight down Embarrassing Street onto Painful to Watch Avenue.
The actual fifth element in the movie is a chick called Lee-Loo. Loo is an appropriate word for this girl, since her performance is so crappy that the loo would be an appropriate response!
To call her a character is not really accurate, since she isn't a character. She is a big walking plot device. She is there to save the world at the end. She doesn't really do much in the meantime (other than occasionally get her kit off for comedy effect...hardy har fucking har.)
The only characterisation she gets is that everyone constantly says how "perfect" she is in a dreamy voice.
Perfect? She looks hideous! My wife walked in during a scene with Lee-Loo in and commented "Urgh! It's Raggedy Anne!"
Truer words have rarely been spoken!
I must assume this girl gave the director a stiffy because the cast can't go ten seconds without telling me how wonderful this freaky, red dreadlock toting chick is!
Saying things over and over in a movie does not make it true.
(unfortunately this news flash did not come in time to stop the film makers doing this again and again and again, as you will see as the movie continues.)
She can't talk properly, babbling what they claim to be the ancient language of the forces of light or something. Unfortunately her over the top expressions, hand gestures and strained attempts to communicate come across like someone doing an offensive impression of a handicapped person.
Her and Bruce hook up at the end of the film (oooh a spoiler! Oh wait, I can't spoil this shitty movie, that would be impossible!) The power of their love saves the Earth.
Yes, the power of love blows up evil.
If that wasn't offensively trite enough, the two characters professing love for each other could not have had less chemistry. There were walk on extras who got one line that had more chemistry with each other than these two.
We've got Bruce 'here in body but not spirit' Willis, grumbling his lines to a woman who is pretending to be retarded and who can't speak English.
These characters haven't even been able to have a conversation yet and I am supposed to believe they are in love?
I can't even believe he would want to shag her because she looks so stupid, let alone that he would profess undying love to this freaky bitch.
She is the only real female character in the film and she is little more than a plot device who has to rescued a lot. This is such sexist bullshit that I almost wonder if it is supposed to be ironic. Almost.
Her outfits go from bandages that make her look like...fuck I can't even think of a metaphor for how stupid she looks...to wearing a rubber version of Borat's 'man-kini'. (Sacha Baren Cohen owes this film royalties, I swear!)
Gary Oldman plays the villain Zorg and, like everyone else, he looks ridiculous, with some sort of plastic hair piece (don't ask) and a rubber tunic. However, credit where it's due, Gary Oldman is a fantastic actor who is always a joy to watch and this lame duck movie only ever comes alive when he is on screen.
Unfortunately the plotting of the movie is so incompetent that he actually never meets, interacts or communicates with Bruce Willis in any way.
That's right, this film has a hero and main villain and there is never any contact between them.
At the end of the film if you asked Bruce Willis what had happened to Zorg, he would respond "What the fuck is a Zorg?"
They actually have to contrive things to even have Zorg be involved in the film at all. I can't believe I just typed that line! They have to use plot contrivance to have the villain IN THEIR OWN FUCKING MOVIE actually be involved!
How the fuck is that even possible? That is like having YOU pull a surprising move to beat YOURSELF in a game of chess. How did they manage it?
Zorg is the boss of an evil mega-corporation with lots of rubber clad goons and apparently the ability to cause any phone in the world to explode at will. (No seriously, stay with me.) Earlier in the film he organises having a spaceship shot down by an army of alien mercenaries. So what does he do to go after the heroes, who are off on an intergalactic ocean liner?
Let's play a little quiz to see how well you know this movie-
What does Zorg do to get the heroes?
1) send another army of alien mercenaries
2)send a load of his own henchmen
3) send a load of his own henchmen with him leading them to make sure they dont screw up this time
4) goes there himself, alone, with a big gun.
Yes, Gary Oldman goes on his own. His cunning plan? A big gun.
THIS GUY IS A BUSINESSMAN! THE GUY HAS A FUCKING LIMP! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MADNESS?
That is basically how the plot to this movie tends to go, they have the characters do stupid illogical things, then have them do more stupid illogical things to get themselves out of the idiotic corner they have talked themselves into.
For example, the good guys have the one girl that can save the human race.
But instead of going to the government and getting about a million soldiers to guard her, they pointlessly decide to move her in secret, thus meaning they have to go through a whole elaborate sneaking around sequence which ultimately leads to them revealing themselves to the government anyway.
Characters are pointlessly separated over and over again only to be reunited later. Why does the movie keep pulling this dog shit? Why not just keep them together so we could actually have some FUCKING CHARACTER INTERACTIONS!
Speaking of dog shit, the mercenary aliens look like a turd sandwich. A bunch of power-ranging rejects who were left under the sun lamp. I've scraped scarier 'aliens' off the sole of my shoe than these huge rubber headed morons.
And the worst part? They are the coolest looking thing in the movie! You almost forget how shit they are by virtue of the far worse shit that surrounds them.
Sort of like how you don't notice when you step in a turd if you just took a swim in raw sewage.
One of the most well known scenes from the film is a future New York where everyone drives a flying car.
Do I even need to explain how stupid this is? When the Jetsons did it, it was meant as a piss-take on the future, not a serious vision!
Am I the only one who can see how insanely dangerous this would be?
Drunk drivers wouldn't hit a tree, they would crash from 2000 feet into buildings and explode!
Take a corner too fast? You won't just come up on the curve, you will go through the window of an office building, 100 stories up!
The police even shoot at a car at one point to try and shoot it down to stop it escaping.
ARE THEY FUCKING INSANE?
Which would be worse? A traffic violator gets away or a flying car goes crashing out of control through all the other flying cars and then crashes and explodes?
This is a world that has had no thought put into it, the worst kind of lazy world-building. No thought has been given to the consequences of these ideas, how they would work, why things are this way. Some jack ass just said "Hey, flying cars would be cool, that's like future and stuff" and they made a fucking movie of it!
Also, I should point out that if you think the idea of the main character who is an ex-soldier now working as a tough taxi driver in the future sounds interesting, you would be right. It is interesting. it was especially interesting when I saw it the first time in the animated film Heavy Metal.
IT IS EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME!
The only difference is that here they make the cars fly, which, as I just explained, only serves to make things about 17 times more stupid!
The action sequences are so weak you are left wondering if they were supposed to be funny (like much of the film). You never actually laugh at them. They clearly are not funny. But they give off the impression that they might have been meant to be funny.
So they are either shit action sequences that aren't exciting, or shit comedy sequences that aren't funny. Take your pick.
All the usual cliches are here.
Bad guy minions with futuristic guns that can't shoot through a FUCKING WOODEN TABLE, who all come from the storm trooper marksmanship academy. A half dozen of them blaze at Bruce, who is sat out in the open. They don't hit shit. Bruce casually waves his gun in their direction, about eight of them drop dead. We even get Lee-Loo doing some 'martial arts' to beat up the bad guys. The martial art of choice is what I like to call chick-fu. This is the martial art where they get an actress who knows jack shit about fighting and give her very shitty training and try to pass her off as a martial art master when actually she looks about as tough as a jelly fish in a wind tunnel. Now don't get me wrong, I am all in favour of a tough action chick who can kick some alien ass, but once again the movie seems to hope I will take its word for it that this lady can fight, rather then actually going to the trouble of trying to make her look in anyway convincing. Okay, that's not fair. This isn't even chick-fu, that is giving it too much credit. Her martial arts style looks like a combination of Tae-bo (not double-time)and the 3 stooges (only shit and not funny...as if I need to even mention that at this point.)
Now I have been holding off on attacking the worst thing in this movie...because it was so painful to watch that I don't want to have to bring up the bad memories again...but here goes.
Why does this man get work?
He is not funny, he is obnoxious!
He is like a human Jar-Jar Binks on helium!
His hideous, squealing voice sounds like someone is raping a piglet.
When he first shows up it is about ten minutes later before he says anything the audience can even fucking understand. This guy is meant to be making a living as a radio d.j. I'm already sick of listening to him. He doesn't so much steal the scene as kidnap it, rape it, torture it, then dump it in a ditch somewhere.
I can only assume that in this film he is there to try to make the rest of the cast look masculine (in their rubber pants and vests) because he appears to be the most flamingly over the top portrayal of a gay character I have ever seen on film. I was going to knock the film for using ridiculous gay stereotypes with this ludicrous screaming queen....but then it turns out he is supposed to be a ladies' man. In fact he is so sexy that he can cause air hostesses to have orgasms just by squeaking unintelligible gibberish at them. Huh?
Worse is to come as we have to get through a long, drawn out, painfully unfunny sequence of Chris Tucker shagging one of the skanks on the airline. I honestly don't think the human race has yet developed the technology to make something less sexy than Chris Tucker having sex. By God I hope we never do! The thought of such a thing will render the entire human population incapable of mating ever again!
(Just to recap, so far the female characters have been the macguffin girl who can't talk and slutty air hostesses who have orgasms and get shagged...well done to the movie makers for fighting my accusations of sexism!)
Why is Chris Tucker so sexy ,you ask, when to the audience he is unspeakably annoying and cannot be understood?
Because the movie tells us so of course! That's how things work in this movie, remember?
In fact this time the movie even outdoes itself, by literally having one of the air hostess skanks tell us so in this little gem of dialog (not an exact quote)-
"Rudy Rhoo is the most famous radio star in the universe, it is a great honour to meet him."
If he is so famous, why are you explaining who he is, you dumb bimbo?
If I said "You are going to meet President Obama" I would not follow it up by saying "he is the first black president of America, he is very famous so it is a big honour to meet him."
THE FACT HE IS FUCKING FAMOUS MEANS PEOPLE KNOW WHO HE IS! THAT IS WHAT BEING FAMOUS MEANS!!!
IF SOMEONE HAS TO EXPLAIN WHO YOU ARE, YOU AIN'T FAMOUS!
This is the clumsiest, laziest exposition imaginable!
The one who says this is the one that Tucker porks, so maybe that is karmic justice for speaking such shitty dialog, as I can't think of a more horrible fate than getting it on with that screeching muppet!
What does Chris Tucker add to the plot? Fuck all.
What does he add to my annoyance? An amount beyond measure.
And this ass hole keeps getting work!
These days he is earning his keep trading racist slurs with Jackie Chan in those God-awful Rush Hour films (which I probably can't review because if I have to talk about Chris Fucking Tucker anymore I may I have to take a claw hammer to my keyboard in anger!)
This movie is a disaster. It was marketed as an Epic Sci-Fi Adventure.
Most people produce more epic things than this that took two flushes to get rid of!
This is lazy, incompetent, cynical, sexist crap all wrapped up in a fashion nightmare from hell.
After its initial release it died off and was not heard about anymore because it is a soulless, empty piece of film, with only its irritation and nonsensical plot holes making it in any way memorable.
If this film was an element it would appear on the periodic table between Horse Jizz and Gibbon Gonads.
Fuck this Element!
Posted: Mar 27 2012, 11:47 PM
Bunker State Commandant
Member No.: 4
Joined: 31-July 11
You forget one other thing.
Zorg is working actively working to help the Great Evil bring about the end of the universe, and he's getting paid to do it.
He's the richest and most powerful businessman around, and he's accepting payments in order to destroy the only things that can prevent the universe from being destroyed, and he's even privy to the Great Evil's plan.
He's the wealthiest man alive, so it's obvious that the writer wanted to make it clear that this guy was greedy as hell, since he's willing to sacrifice everyone for money. What he seems to forget is that he's part of the universe as well, so he and his new monetary acquisition will no longer exist if he actually does what he's supposed to. And even if he is somehow not destroyed, what can wealth possibly do for him when literally nothing exists but him?
And you mentioned Heavy Metal? I loved the credit sequence at the beginning of that movie, I would like to believe that astronauts really do get home from work by dropping out of a shuttle and reentering the atmosphere in old Corvettes.
Posted: Mar 28 2012, 04:04 PM
Member No.: 21
Joined: 22-December 11
i feel the film could have explained the big bad better
all i got was, GIANT BLACK CLOUD in space with orange flaming spots, and it calls the main villain
that part confused me, i had no idea why it was a threat, nor do i think they needed it, but fuck it no one cares
amateur writer, anime fan, rock lover, freedom seeker, not an otaku, history lover (i love it but it hates me), and.... crap
more shall come
If the advice is good, then it doesn't matter where it came from.