--Tattered Wings--

[mamamia]

[May Be Triggering]
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I am 200 pounds again.
I am thoroughly depressed.
thoroughly stressed.
thoroughly lost.
thoroughly through.
I have no desire to recover. I want bones.
I don't even want to fit in. I just want to be this bony stupid creature.
I want to look as sick as I feel and I want to repulse everyone as much as I repulse myself.

I'm tired of being happy all the time.
I just want to curl up and cry.

I'm tired of listening to jokes about rape and abuse and eating disorders and drugs and EVERYTHING. I just want someone to know it all, and to care.
Except I will never trust anyone to tell it all. Not even to write it all.

It's the third week of school, and I've already pulled four all-nighters. Not because I'm slacking, but because I've spread myself too thin. Again. If only it would carry over physically.

This post has been edited by exhausted tears on Feb 14 2009, 01:35 AM

[exhausted tears]

I wish I knew what to say.
I wish I could help.
All I can give you,
is the knowledge that I'm here
and that I understand,
to an extent.
You're not alone in this,
and you never will be.
You're always in my thoughts,
even when you're gone,
and I hope you know that.
I'm glad you're back,
and I hope you stick around.
Hang in there, dear.
Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

[manda]

First of all, I've missed you. <<<hugs>>> If I may, I'd like to offer some encouragement and advice. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress that you are bringing on yourself. You might want to lessen your course load and cut some extra curricular out. Sweetie, you can't afford to let this get you down now. You are doing so well with school and you have so much to offer. You know you don't want this. You want control, you want a stress reducer, but we both know that this isn't going to give you either of those things.

Your body needs to be taken care of and treated with respect and that is in no regard to its weight. The numbers don't matter, they never have. It's how you feel about yourself, how you are able to love yourself that matters. I don't know how you've been doing this past year with things, but I don't want to see you get dragged down again. It's not worth it. I know you know that.

Please remember that we are here for you. I'm glad that you came back to release your thoughts. Keep doing that. Keep getting it out of you, don't hold it inside. You can talk to me about anything dear. I'm thinking about you hon. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

[mamamia]

I DO want this.
I want to be a skeleton.
I want to be ugly.
I want people to look at me in revulsion.
I will NEVER like myself.
That's pure and simple fact, and I've made my peace with it.

I'm just really angry all the time.

[Morganite]

You don't want this,
I swear.

You know where to find me,
I'll be in CC next weekend, I hope.

[exhausted tears]

It's true...
you don't want this,
it wants you.
Don't let it have you.

[manda]

Janet, I was just wondering how things were going. I hope you're doing okay and have taken some time to re-evaluate things and think about what we've said. Please let us know how you are. I really hope you're taking care of yourself. I'm always here...

[Morganite]

I hope you're okay.