--Tattered Wings--

[mamamia]

So, I have to leave for class in less than eight hours.
I have roughly five or six hours worth of homework left to do.
It has accumulated because I am way behind.
I've dropped two classes, which is bad. Because I don't get the money back. And also because every class I am or was taking this semester were requirements for graduation.
And I'm still doing very poorly in two of the four classes I am now taking.

I don't know what to do about it.
The last time I was given any kind of medication it made me worse. I nearly committed suicide.
I hate talking about myself, and I re-learn this any time i try to go to any kind of therapy. And i don't really think that's the problem. There's no reason for me to be like this.
I keep telling myself i need to wake the fuck up and pull my act together, and that i'm going to... but then i do stupid shit on facebook or watch movies or read until three in the morning and then go to sleep because... I dunno. I fail.

I bought $13 of caffeine today so that i could stay up all night and pull my act together, and it's nearly three and it hasn't happened yet.

[exhausted tears]

Were you able to get anything more done?

I know how you're feeling right now...I went through the same thing last year and ended up having to leave school...I was supposed to graduate last spring, and it didn't happen...

I know that some medications can give you terrible side effects...If you do want to get back on some, just let the doctor know what type you were on last time and how it made you feel. Not all of them will make you feel that way.

Please just do what you can to keep going, Janet. Know that you're not alone in this. I'm always here if you need to talk.

[Morganite]

Hang in there, Janet.
You know where to find me.

[mamamia]

things were going better for like a week.
i'm still way behind in everything.

i wish i could just cry. i have a 20-25 page script due wednesday that i haven't started writing. tomorrow i have rehearsal/class/et cetera from 930-7.

i have to be out the door at 915a the next day, so i have a very small window in which to write this thing. especially when i need to re-do my project for tomorrow.

also, this current spiral was set off by the following video posted by my peers and the singer is someone who i consider to be a friend: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/video/v...63153544&ref=mf

of course, very few people in this dept know why this would be offensive to me. i wasn't there, i wasn't tagged, but it popped up in my news feed.
did i mention that my ex-roommate who got raped last semester was back to sexing up her boyfriend two days after the fact? i can't stop thinking about that and how i must be somehow a deficient creature.
i can't remember the last time i had a day where i didn't throw up. i really have no desire to rectify this. genuinely.
i just really want someone to talk to me in an online context and talk me down because i haven't cut myself intentionally in about a year, and i'm really close to throwing that away because of the state in which i find myself.

[Frozentears016]

I'm so sorry to hear that things are going so rough for you.
I'm not sure what the post is/was because it has been deleted or blocked, but i know how seeing certain things on facebook or myspace can just set you off. Ive been there plenty of times and have even lost contact with friends because I couldn't handle what they put on their profiles or in the photo albums.

thats so awesome that you havent intentionally cut yourself for that long, thats such a huge accomplishment. I know its hard to resist something so strong.

I'm dont know your 'story' or anything, but if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm definitely here for you

[manda]

Janet, it breaks my heart to hear that you're struggling so badly right now...I am incredibly proud of the strength you've had this past year. It takes a lot more strength to find a new way to cope than it does to give in and harm yourself. You are strong and each time you resist, each time you use a different coping method, you become stronger and quiet those urges a little more. Please continue to be strong. It's not worth how far you've come to throw it all away now. I know it was hard to see that video and how triggering that must have been, but you have come so far since then. Don't let someone or something take that away from you so quickly. School is stressful too; it always will be, but you can get through it. You love what you are doing in school and the career you are trying to make and I know you do. Keep striving for those dreams.

You are in my heart. If you want to talk you can msg. me on facebook or here. Just do anything but give in... I am proud of you Janet. I really am.