HELLO THERE,

YANOE, THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD IS STRIKINGLY
GORGEOUS BUT I FEAR IT IS INDEED IN THE WAY
A BIT. NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M DON'T CARE
IN THE SLIGHTEST THAT I CAN'T SEE THE DRABBLE
BINNS IS WRITING ABOUT WHY WE SHOULD BE SO
HAPPY WERE IN THE PRESENT TIME, BUT I AM ABOUT
TO PULL MY FIRST "PRESENT PRANK" OFF AND I'D
HATE TO MISS IT BABE.

THANKS DEAR, SIRIUS!

for me!

DEAR SIRIUS,


YOU ARE AN OAF. I'M ASSUMING THAT THIS NOTE WAS MEANT FOR
SOMEONE ELSE, BECAUSE NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER
TELL ME TO MOVE. I FOR ONE, WANT TO LEARN ALL ABOUT HOW GOBLINS
SAVED OUR ASSES FROM DOOM. BY THE WAY, YOU HAVE A HUGE AS FUCK
HICKEY ON YOUR NECK. IT'S VERY TASTELESS. I HAVE SOME CONCEALER
IF YOU WANT IT, LOVIE?

LOVE, PAIGE.

PAIGE BABE,

CORRECTION - A DASHINGLY HANDSOME OAF, THANKS.
ANYWAY, YOUR RIGHT I WASNT TELLING YOU TO MOVE IT
WAS MEAN'T FOR THE DUDE NEXT TO YOU WHO HAS A REAL
BIG HEAD. JESUS, IT'S LIKE.. BIG? OBVIOUSLY, I THINK THAT
YOUR LOVE OF SCARING PEOPLE WITH YOUR INTIMIDATING
NATURE WOULD CHALLENGE ANYONE TO MAKE YOU MOVE.
OH SHIT, REALLY? FUCK. WELL IT MUST JUST BE A POOR
BRUISE LIL' OLD SIRRY HAS, AS HE WOULD NEVER, EVER
DARE COMMIT SUCH ACTS OF.. ADULTRY. HOW ARE YOU
ANYWAY BY LOVELY?

LOVE, PADS!

DEAR SIRIUS,


WOW. HIS HEAD IS HUGE. HOW THE FUCK DID HE FIT THROUGH THE DOOR?
MAYBE HE'S REALLY SMART OR SOMETHING. OR HE HAS ELEPHANTIASIS OF
THE HEAD. I'M NOT INTIMIDATING, I'M JUST A DOM. YOU CAN BE MY SUB,
SWEETIE. AHAHA. I WOULD LOVE TO PUT YOU ON A LEASH. ...BRUISE?
YOU GOT PUNCHED IN THE NECK OR SOMETHING? RIGHT, WELL I KNOW HOW
PURE YOU ARE. I'M PROBABLY JUST HALLUCINATING. DON'T TAKE DRUGS,
SIRIKINS. ER - ANYWAY, I GOT THE NEWEST EDITION OF WITCH WEEKLY XXX.
;D

LOVE, PAIGE.

GORGEOUS PAIGEY,

OH PAIGEY BABY, YOU MAKE ME LAUGH. BUT SRSLY,
YOUR SITTING NEXT TO A DUDE WITH THE LARGEST
HEAD IN THE WORLD. WELL YANOE WHAT THE LADIES
SAY, LARGE HEAD, SMALL DICK. THAT IS WHY MY HEAD
IS VERY, VERY SMALL. SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SOMETHING
ELSE COMPENSATES FOR THAT FACT M'LOVE. AND AHHH,
YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GET ME ON A LEESH DEAR. I
TOO CAN BE VERY DOM WHEN I WANNA BE, MY YOUNG
PORNSTAR. IT IS TOO A BRUISE, JAMES HIT ME ON THE
NECK TO WAKE ME UP THIS MORNING - VERY CUREL. AND
I'M AFRAID IT'S TOO LATE FOR NOT TAKING DRUGS, JOKE.
I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER IF YOU GIVE ME THAT MAG, IF YOU
DON'T I'LL CRY + MOAN AND CRY + MOAN UNTIL YOU STOP
BEING A BITCH AND GIVE ME IT.

PS, I WILL ALSO GIVE YOU SEXUAL FAVOURS ;D

LOVE LOTS, SIRIUS!

DEAR SIRIUS,


ACTUALLY, SIRIKINS, I BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE A TINY HEAD BECAUSE
YOU HAVE A TINY BRAIN. I HAVE NEVER HEARD THE CONNECTION
BETWEEN HEAD SIZE AND DICK SIZE. I'VE ACTUALLY HEARD THAT YOU
HAVE A THREE INCHER. HAHAHA. IT'S OKAY SIRIUS, YOU MAKE UP FOR
IT IN...ER... SIRIUSNESS? YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF SIRIUSNESS. I THINK
I COULD EASILY GET YOU ON A LEASH. ONE FLASH OF MY BRAND NEW
BOOBIES AND YOU'D BE ON YOUR KNEES, SWEETIEKINS. I CAN BE
PRETTY DAMN PERSUASIVE WHEN I WANT TO BE. I CAN TOTALLY SEE
JAMES GOING ALL VULCAN GRIP ON YOUR ASS TO WAKE YOU UP.
I KNEW JAMES WAS SPOCK. YOU'D BE KIRK, OBVIOUSLY, AND I'D BE
THE HOT BLONDE GIRL WITH THE SHORT DRESS WHO ALWAYS APPEARS
IN SOFT FOCUS TO LOOK PRETTIER. YOU KNOW - THE ONE THAT KIRK
SECRETLY LOVES BUT IS IN DENIAL. IT'S MY PORNO, SIRIUS. YOU CAN
LOOK AT IT WITH ME, BUT I AM NOT GIVING IT TO YOU, OR LETTING
YOU BORROW IT. LAST TIME I DID THAT THERE WERE STAINS ON IT
AND I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WEREN'T MILK STAINS. I HAD TO BLEACH
MY HAND AFTER THAT. HURT LIKE A BITCH.

LOVE, PAIGE.

PAIGE,

HAHA, YOU ARE SO FUCKIN' HILLARIOUS PAGIEYBABE! I
DO NOT HAVE TINY BRAIN. I HAVE A HUGE BRAIN, THAT
IS WHY I GET AWAY WITH ALL MY PRANKS. DUH. THINK IT
IS YOU THAT HAS THE LIL' BRAIN BABY. OI! I AINT' GOT A
3 INCHER THAT'S BULL! EVERYONE KNOWS MY DICKS THE
BIGGEST IN THE WORLD. BIGGER THAN ANY YOU HAVE
SEEN PAIGE.. AND I KNOW YOU HAVE SEEN A FEW! HAHA.
SIRIUSNESS. I LIKE IT. YOU LOVE IT. IT'S ALL GOOD. BUT
NO PAIGEY, I WOULD NOT FALL ON MY KNEES FOR YOU. I
DO NOT FALL ON MY KNEES FOR ANYONE. ONLY JAMES. ERM,
OKAY MAYBE A FLASH OF YOUR BOOBIES MAY MAKE ME A
LIL' BIT MORE SUB. HOTTTT. ACTUALLY, I HAVE YET TO SEE
THEM. SHOW ME? BUT YOUR NOT BLONDE. AND WHO THE HELL
IS KIRK AND WTF IS SPOCK? SOUNDS WEIRD. LIKE YOU, I
GUESS THATS WHY YOU MENTIONED IT. AHA. OH BE A BITCH
THEN PAIGEY! DON'T SHARE YOUR PORNO. GUESS I WILL
JUST HAVE TO DRINK ALL THAT FIREWHISKEY MYSELF THEN!
SHAME. AND SHUT UP, IT WAS MILK. ME AND JAMES HAD
MILK AND COOKIES BEFORE BED, THANKS. LIKE LITTLE ANGELS.
REMMY MADE THEM. MMM, COOKIES.

LATERZ BABY, SIRIUS xx

DEAR SIRIUS,


GOOD ONE, BABE. BUT I AM NOT CONVINCED. I THINK YOU DO MORE
THINKING WITH YOUR DICK THAN YOUR ACTUAL BRAIN. BUT IT'S OKAY.
MAKES ME LOOK REALLY SMART WHEN I'M WITH YOU. SIRIUS! WHAT ARE
YOU INSINUATING? I AM A VIRGIN, PURE AND TRUE. AND YOU GET AWAY
WITH YOUR PRANKS BECAUSE YOU HAVE A LOT OF LUCK. REALLY
SIRIUS, YOU ARE ONE LUCKY MAN. I'VE GOTTEN BLAMED FOR QUITE A
FEW OF YOUR PRANKS. I WANT A BACK RUB AFTER CLASS FOR ALL THE
PAIN YOU HAVE CAUSED ME OVER THE YEARS. AND DON'T GO UNHOOKING
MY BRA THIS TIME OR ELSE I WILL...DO SOMETHING REAL BAD TO YOU.
FOR REALS, SIRIPOO. I WILL CUT YOU UP. YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER
SEE MY BOOBS, SIRIUS, UNLESS I HAVE LIKE, A NIP SLIP AND EVERYONE
SEES THEM. UGH. THAT WOULD SUCK. ALTHOUGH I'M SURE YOU'D LOVE
THAT. ...HAVE YOU SEEN MY HAIR, SIRIUS? I'M PRETTY FUCKING BLONDE
IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED THAT BY NOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. DON'T
KNOW MY HAIR COLOR, AND YOU'VE NEVER SEEN STAR TREK. YOU AND
I REALLY NEED TO HAVE A TALK, SO I CAN EXPOSE YOU TO THE WONDERS
OF THE MUGGLE WORLD. FUCKING AWESOME. ANYWAY, YOU CAN KEEP
YOUR FIREWHISKY. I'M SUCH A BAD DRUNK. I'M STILL SCARRED FROM
THAT TIME I WOKE UP IN THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM AND SEVERUS
ASKED IF I HAD SLEPT WELL. CREEPIEST FUCKING SHIT IN THE WORLD.
I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP MY PORN AND DRINK SOME NICE HOT COCOA
WHILE I READ UP ON HOW RON JEREMY IS COMING ALONG. I SWEAR,
SIRIUS, HE IS THE NEXT BIG THING. HAVE YOU SEEN 'CAN I DO IT UNTIL
I NEED GLASSES?' IT'S SO AWESOME. RIGHT SIRIUS, MILK AND COOKIES.
YOU ARE AN ANIMAL.


LOVE, PAIGE.

PAIGE,

SO WHAT IF I THINK WITH MY DICK? NOT MANY OTHER CHICKS
SEEM TO CARE. THEY FIND IT VERY, VERY ENTERTAINING. BUT,
I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY ALWAYS THINKING WITH MY DICK WOULD
BE A PROBLEM TBH. AH WELL, IT'S JUST ME. LIKE FUCK ARE YOU
PURE. YOU'VE HAD A BOOB JOB; MEANS SOMETHING YANO! WELL
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T NOSE INTO ME PRANKS, THEN YOU MAY
NOT GET BLAMED FOR THEM. BESIDES IT'S NOT AS BAD AS POOR
REMMY GETTING BLAMED (WHICH HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!) OO,
A BACKRUB? SEE, NO INNOCENCE AT ALL. AND YOU KNOW YOU
WANT ME TO UNDO YOUR BRA STRAP. DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE
NEVER WONDERED WHAT ME + YOU WOULD BE LIKE. I'LL HAVE
YOU TONIGHT PAIGEY BABE! JUST YOU SEE! WELL I WILL SEE
YOUR BOOBS PAIGEY, IF I DID A LIL MAGIC AND ACCIDENTLY
LIFTED YOUR TOP UP WITH MY BRAIN. YANO I CAN TAKE GIRLS
SHIRTS OFF BY JUST LOOKING AT THEM - I'VE GOTTEN THAT
GOOD! ANYWAY, OH HUSH. I MEAN'T YOUR NOT THE SUPER
BLONDEY BLONDE.. YOUR MORE DARKER BLONDE. IT WAS A
COMPLIMENT REALLY - I MEAN'T YOU HAVE MORE INTELLIGENCE
THEN NORMAL BLONDES.. HONEST! HAHAHHAHAHA. OH GOOD
TIMES INDEED BABY! I THINK YOU WERE SO FREAKED AFTER
THE SNAPEY EPISODE THAT YOU VOWED NEVER TO DRINK THAT
'GOD DAMN FUCKING BLOODY WANKY AWFUL' FIREWHISKEY
AGAIN. I CAN'T SAY I'M FAMILIAR WITH THAT FILM PAIGEY, BUT
THAT REMINDS ME. I WAS THINKING WE SHOULD MAKE A PORNO
YANO.. PEOPLE WOULD PAY MILLIONS! I'M AN ANIMAL? WHY THANKS
PAIGEY, ONLY FOR YOU ;D

LOVE ALWAYS, SIRIUS!

DEAR SIRIUS,


I THINK YOU'RE GROSS. I DON'T KNOW HOW ANY GIRL CAN PUT
UP WITH YOUR SHIT. I HAVE HALF A MIND TO TELL EVERYONE
SOME DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS OF YOURS. LIKE HOW YOU BARK
IN YOUR SLEEP SOMETIMES. OR MAYBE I'LL TELL EVERYONE THAT
YOU'VE ASKED ME TO MARRY YOU AFTER GRADUATION. THAT'LL
SCARE THEM OFF QUICKLY. I DID NOT GET A BOOB JOB AND YOU
KNOW IT. TOUCH 'EM AFTER CLASS, SIRIUS. THEY'RE FAB. WAIT -
ACTUALLY, YOU CAN'T TOUCH THEM. BUT THEY ARE REAL. YOU OF
ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD
FAKE BOOBS. HELL, I CAN'T AFFORD A DECENT MEAL SOMETIMES.
I TELL YA, FREEDOM IS EXPENSIVE. ACTUALLY, SIRIUS, I HAVE
THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU AND I WOULD BE LIKE, AND THEN
I HAD TO THROW UP. EVEN THOUGH... I THINK I WOULD END UP
KILLING YOU, SIRIUS. AND THEN ALL YOUR LITTLE FANGIRLS
WOULD DO THEIR WEIRD VOODOO TO ME. I HEAR THEM CHANTING
AT NIGHT. FREAKY SHIT. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ME, SIRIKINS.
ONLY IN YOUR DREAMS. WAIT - EW. DON'T FANTASIZE ABOUT
ME, PLEASE. I WOULD CRY. I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG;
I'D BE FLATTERED IF YOU JERKED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME,
BUT IT'S STILL PRETTY GROSS. UGH. NOW I HAVE THE LOVELY
IMAGE OF YOU JERKING. LOOKS LIKE IT'LL RAIN. I LIKE
COOKIES. I'M GOING TO MARRY BURT REYNOLDS. HOLY SHIT
HE IS SO MOTHERFUCKIN HOT. OKAY. THAT'S BETTER. I WILL
NEVER GET DRUNK EVER AGAIN, ESPECIALLY NOT AROUND YOU.
MAYBE AROUND LILY, OR SERA. I WOULDN'T MIND MAKING OUT
WITH EITHER OF THEM IN A DRUNKEN PASSION. EVEN IF THEY'D
BOTH GO LEZZIE AFTER ONE KISS FROM ME. AND THEN JAMES
WOULD CRY AND GO ALL SUICIDAL. WE CAN MAKE A PORNO
IF IT'S FEMDOM. I WOULD LOVE TO GO AT YOU WITH WHIPS
AND CHAINS BABY. AND HOT WAX. I AM SO GLAD I DON'T
HAVE A DICK RIGHT NOW.

LOVE, PAIGE.

PAIGE,

I AM NOT GROSS, I'M LOVELY. LOVELY, LOVELY, LOVELY.
AH, I'M SO BEAUTIFUL. ANYWHOO, I DON'T CARE IF YOU
TELL ANYONE ABOUT MY DIRTY SECRETS THEY WOULD, I
GUESS, JUST GET TURNED ON. TELL THEM I HAD SEX WITH
MCGONAGUL IF YOU LIKE I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ;D BUT,
I WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER -- AND A FEW
MORE EVERS, PROPOSE TO YOU. NO OFFENCE BABY, JUST I
DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED. I'D RATHER JUST STICK WITH
MY METHOD OF RELATIONSHIPS. YANO, SHAG AND RUN. I
ONCE HAD TO LEAVE MY FAVOURITE SHIRT IN A RAVENCLAW
DORM BECAUSE SHE WAS WAKING UP BEFORE I CREPT OUT.
SO SAD. BUT I FOUND ANOTHER RAVENCLAW WHO LOOKED
LIKE SHE NEEDED CHEERING UP ON MY WAY OUT OF THE COMMON
ROOM SO I WAS GOOD. OH, PLEASE LET ME FEEL YOUR BOOBIES? I
PROMISE NOT TO ORGASM (EVENTHOUGH THEY'RE FAKERS.)
AHA, JOKE. PAIGE, EW. CONTROL YOURSELF AND STOP HAVING
PICTURES OF ME JERKING OFF TO YOU IN YOUR HEAD -- EVEN
THOUGH I DO IT. YANO YOU WANNA HAVE A QUICKE WITH ME TO
BE HONEST. ONE NIGHT OF PASSION? I WOULD HAVE NO PROBS
WITH YOU KISSING SERA OR LILY AT ALL, HOW HOT WOULD THAT
BE THOUGH REALLY. JAMES MIGHT DIE, BUT I CAN RISK IT ASLONG
AS I GET SOME LESBO PORNO FROM YOU THREE. HOT WAX, WHIPS,
CHAINS? OH BBY, SHUT UP ELSE YOU ACTUALLY WILL SEE BE GETTING
OFF SOON! HAHAHAHHA.

LOVE ALWAYS, SIRIUS!

DEAR SIRIUS,


UGH. GET A ROOM. AS MUCH AS I PLATONTICALLY LOVE YOU, SIRIKINS,
I MUST ADMIT, YOU'RE A LITTLE VAIN. WELL, REALLY VAIN ACTUALLY.
IT'S A LITTLE SAD. I THINK YOU SHOULD TRY THE WHOLE MODEST THING.
BEING HUMBLE IS ATTRACTIVE. OR AT LEAST TO ME IT IS. YOU'D BE
SURPRISED TO KNOW THAT REMUS HAS A GROWING FANBASE. ALMOST
AS BIG AS YOURS. I'M THINKING ABOUT JOINING HIS FANCLUB. MAYBE
THEN EVERYONE WILL REALIZE THAT I'M ACTUALLY NOT AFTER YOUR
DICK. HONESTLY - I'VE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS WHOLE SHIT ABOUT
ME LOVING YOU. DID YOU SPREAD THAT AROUND? I SWEAR IF YOU DID SIRIUS,
YOUR HEAD WILL BE ON A PLATTER. SOMEONE PUT MICE IN MY BED THE
OTHER NIGHT. I HAD TO SLEEP IN LILY'S BED, I WAS SO SCARED. FIND ME
A BOYFRIEND SIRIUS, I DON'T WANT TO PUT UP WITH ALL THE SHIT THAT
COMES WITH BEING YOUR FRIEND. ANYWAY, ANGRY PATHETIC RANTING
ASIDE, I THINK YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER AN ACTUAL DATE WITH
SOMEONE. EARNING YOUR GOODNIGHT KISS AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT. I
DARE YOU SIRIUS. A REAL DATE, AND NO SHAGGING. OH MAN. THAT WOULD
BE PRICELESS TO WITNESS. ESPECIALLY IF SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
SHIT. BINNS IS STARING AT ME. I GUESS KICKING MYSELF REPEATEDLY
TO KEEP MYSELF FROM LAUGHING WAS A BAD IDEA. I BET YOU HAVE THE
FUNNIEST ORGASM FACE IN THE WORLD. FUCK, I'M GOING TO DIE LAUGHING.
MY BOOBS AREN'T FAKE. IF YOU CAN GET A DATE WITHOUT SNOGGING
HER LIPS OFF/ SHAGGING HER, YOU CAN COP A FEEL, ALRIGHT? I'LL JUST
SHUT MY EYES AND TRY NOT TO CRY. WHAT WAS THAT YOU CROSSED OUT
THERE? DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW? PROBABLY NOT. JEEZ SIRIUS,
DESPERATE MUCH? I MEAN, I KNOW I'M FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC, BUT YOU
DON'T NEED TO BEG. I'M NOT GOING TO SCREW YOU. I MEAN, AS DORKY
AS IT SOUNDS, I'M PROBABLY ONE OF THE FEW WHO THINK THAT SEX
SHOULD BE.... Y'KNOW. LOVEYDOVEY. EVEN IF I LEAN TOWARDS MASOCHISTIC
TENDENCIES. I'VE ONLY HAD LIKE, ONE BOYFRIEND, AND HE ENDED UP
CALLING ME A COCKTEASE AND PUT OUT HIS CIGARETTE ON MY LEG.
I STILL HAVE THAT NASTY ASS WELT. FUCKING DUMBASS. CAN YOU
BLAME ME FOR BEING SUCH AN ICE QUEEN? I'M JUST GOING TO DIE
ALONE, WITH MY MILLIONS OF CATS. WHATEVER. I'LL GET SOME ACTION
IF I WANT IT. FOR THE TIME BEING, I'LL JUST BE STUCK WITH MY FINGERS
AND A BALLPOINT PEN. PLEASE TELL ME I'M MAKING IT REALLY AHEM - HARD
FOR YOU TO CONCENTRATE. JESUS CHRIST. I NEVER STOP, DO I? THIS IS
YOUR INFLUENCE. ALL THIS DIRTY TALK. ENOUGH TALK ABOUT HOW HOT
OUR PORN IS GOING TO BE. I HATE WET PANTIES. ]:

LOVE, PAIGE.