• Red Sky, iso;; Eeva

[Cillian Speratos]

CF// Rose Tint My World

For those that weren't aware of it, Cillian was back at the academy for a shortened amount of time. Originally he'd just gone in the hopes that Eeva would give the ring that he'd gotten for Jay, back to Jay. Unfortunately he'd seen her and she'd seen him and now they were on their way to having coffee. Cillian didn't think it was so much of a problem as it was a hindrance. He was attempting to recover from having his heart broken and from breaking another. He'd wanted things to work out for him and Joshua but the angel had the intention to leave him anyway; might as well have ended it while there was still time. But it didn't have to be that way, not with Jay leaving him completely. Cillian wanted so much to take back what he'd said and what he'd done, to make things okay. Part of him wished that Erikk had never shown up at Revolution Academy, never have come back into his life. That was the one thing that he hated about himself now that he had known he'd done something wrong.

Cillian sat at one of the small tables away from the windows in the atrium, towards a back corner. He already had his coffee. Eeva had said it would take a few minutes but Cillian had mentioned he had all the time in the world. She had nothing to worry about when it came to his patience. There was so much of it now that he was alone and had all the time in the world to do with what he wanted. There were pieces of him floating out in the world, with his family and his friends, with Jay and Erikk. He was torn between getting rid of them and just letting them carry on their own legacy. He lowered his eyes to the cup in his hands, feeling the warmth against his bare skin since he'd removed the gloves that he normally wore all the time.

She was going to be there and he didn't know what to talk about. He didn't understand that maybe talking about his problems to someone that knew Jay would help. He'd never been much of a talker since he'd gotten his power. Those cerulean eyes darted to the windows, looking out at the sky there. He felt his eyes burn again, his throat tightening and his chest doing the same at the thought of Jay flying out in the blue of it. He'd always looked at it as his eyes, with Jay swimming in them. No...that wasn't going to happen ever again. He'd destroyed the only good thing he'd had in his life for someone else that probably wasn't even going to be there again. Maybe Erikk had left the school and gone on to do what it was he wanted to. Now it was just Cillian, alone in a house that felt more like a mausoleum. There was a part of him that wanted it to go away; a part of him that wanted to burn it to the ground with himself inside.

He waited for Eeva to come to him; to talk and say what she needed to say before he'd go ahead with whatever would swim to the forefront of his mind.

[Eeva Muotiala]

What was she doing? Sometimes it was almost like she was on auto pilot, she was unsure of where these decisions were coming from half the time, as if the rest of her mind was in a daze. Eeva sighed, returning to the classroom with the chain and ring in hand. She dropped it on her desk, looking at the ungraded portfolios. She still had time to worry about those later on. She had a few more days, so even if her time was taken up for the rest of the day, she had nothing to worry about. The Finn looked at the pack of cigarettes that were on her desk, but ignored them for the moment. Why did she smoke? Because she could, because with her powers, she didn’t need to worry. Hell, if she wanted to, she could get rid of her tattoos, like the mural on her back. For a second she thought about getting another tattoo – but where?

She shook it off, remembering that she had to move on and go meet Cillian. She looked at her little brother, continuing to tell him to get ready to go. A small conversation ensued, but she was able to convince the boy to go along with her to see her friend. Gavriil would be getting a cup of hot chocolate, so of course there would be no complaints from the child. Eeva picked up her purse, sliding her feet into her heels. Gavriil, who had stood by now and still occupied with two small airplane toys, was then called over. The half-Finn-half-Russian followed his sister obediently. The X-Woman turned off the lights to her classroom, walking out of into the hallway with clicks under her feet and her brother at her side.

Moments later and she was in the brightly lit room of the atrium. Sun shone through the large windows and the atmosphere seemed at ease. Air conditioning was working overtime, but even with the greenhouse possibilities, there was no chance of sweating in the room. That is, unless someone decided to break into a Pilates routine. Internally, Eeva laughed. Eeva didn’t bother looking around for Cillian, already knowing his location. She stood in line for coffee, getting Gavriil a hot chocolate, which was in reality lukewarm in temperature. Afterwards, it was only a matter of time before she gave Cillian a smile and sat down opposite of the man. Her little brother giggled and ran up to the black-clad male, hugging his hip as best he could. The child had no idea what Cillian was thinking, or what was going on.

Soon after, and maybe a few exchanged words later, Eeva looked at Cillian, unsure of how to start a conversation. ”So, uh… how’re you doing?” It was a stupid start.

[Cillian Speratos]

There were times when Cillian wanted to just keel over and die. Part of him had wanted to when Jay walked away from him. He found that he had wanted to give up on everything in the world; his family, friends, life, it didn't matter, he just wanted it all to go away. It was from the moment that he had found no one had come to see him in his lonely, empty house that he had truly nothing. Erikk hadn't come to see him yet. It was only through sheer force of initiative that he had come to see Eeva. Originally he'd just intended to go see if she'd take the ring and leave him alone for the rest of his life. Maybe he'd go back to the Bronx and live with his grandfather. Unfortunately his grandfather was angry with him; apparently the man had really liked Jay and Erikk both equally. It was through his own poor choices that he had failed to keep even his own family happy.

Not even Jadyn had come to see him.

He brought himself to sip at the coffee that he'd gotten, feeling the heat as it ran down his throat and over the back of his tongue, just the same as the flavor stung him on the taste buds. There was a moment where he thought to rise and leave before Eeva could get there. For some reason he couldn't face her. He didn't deserve to have a friend but he also knew that he needed one more than ever. His therapist had told him that he needed one, even if it was just one. Eeva was the best choice since she seemed unbiased against him. He knew that Jay would never be his friend again though he also knew that Erikk would end up being there for him if he only tried to call the electrokinetic. Would Erikk even want to talk to him after all that had happened?

”So, uh… how’re you doing?” That voice was so familiar and he smiled, albeit weakly as he dipped his head down, his coffee still raised up a bit. He felt the arms around his hip and he smiled even more, patting Gavriil on his head, feeling the softness of the boy's hair. Immediately he missed Angelica, knowing that he probably felt the same way that Eeva did about his younger sibling. He could raise her the way that the Finn was raising her younger brother. He missed Angelica so deeply that he felt it so much harder every day that he saw the empty crib. After a few moments he gave her the time of day, exhaling slightly so he could prepare himself for the mental lashing that would come in the form of emotional downfall after their conversation was done. She deserved to at least know how he was doing, right? "I'm doing okay, I suppose. I know that I have problems. I'm seeing a therapist for them, but it doesn't make it any easier to live with the feeling of what I've done." Did that mean he was going to give up? No, he was just going to try harder.

"I see you're doing better. Looking beautiful, as always." If he could focus on her maybe he could take away from the conversation about himself. That wasn't going to work most of the time but he could still have hope for at least one little thing.

[Eeva Muotiala]

Sitting there for a minute, the cup filled with a pale brown liquid was lifted to her lips. The woman couldn’t help but wonder if the man had tried to kill himself, or if he’d caused harm in some way. She didn’t know what else to think at that moment, but was then distracted as her brother continued to play on his own, and ended up pressing against Eeva’s hip. With an idle hand she pushed his foot away, still looking at Cillian. He looked like hell, there was no doubt about it. But, really, was he ever expected to look like a supermodel? No, of course not. His husband just left him, and that was regardless of whose fault it was. Though it had been quite a while since the event occurred. Part of Eeva was surprised the man even left his house to personally deliver the ring. He could’ve mailed it if he wanted to, but instead he reached out. Somewhat.

”I’m glad you’re making progress, as little or as big as it may be. Seeing someone helps, even if in the smallest,” she replied. She knew there was some investment when it came to having a therapist, at least somewhat. Jamie still had not gotten her to speak about Jake, and she didn’t know if she ever would let him. ”I think you’ll get more help out of it eventually,” she added. That’s it, continue the support for other people. Well, at least she would go to bed knowing she did a good deed. Hopefully. Last time, she led the man to his self-inflicted near-death moment. Eeva really didn’t want that to happen again.

"I see you're doing better. Looking beautiful, as always."

Eeva smiled lightly at the compliment, still insecure and able to be flattered easily. It’s what happened when there was no appropriate lover in the picture. ”Thank you, Cillian. I’ve been keeping myself together as best I can, and it seems to me like I’m doing well,” she explained, taking another sip of the sweet drink she had. The lingering flavor of chocolate and espresso was refreshed and more than welcome. Over the last few years she’d grown attached to tea, trying to bring in fewer impurities into her body, evidently draining her more than it should. Tea was better for her, and gave her more energy. Then again, the difference was minute.

”Let’s not turn the tables too early, now, Cillian…” she finished, trying to see if Cillian could pick up a lead that she couldn’t even start.

[Cillian Speratos]

Maybe she didn't understand that he wasn't happy about being there, or that he wasn't happy about talking about Jay. Either way he was going to lose this situation. There was a moment where he wanted to cry there in front of her, to show what he'd gone through. Sometimes he wished he was a telepath so he could cast the illusion into her mind without having to remember it himself; without having to speak the words that he knew would hurt him once he was done explaining his side of the story. That was why he had reached out to her, because she was the only one that wouldn't be put off if he cried. Still he refrained, swallowing more coffee down so he could bite back the tears at the same time without her noticing. With her being an empath however she would feel that twinge of him being sad or at least in a little way hurt. It wasn't something he wanted to scream out to her but he would wait to see how the conversation turned out. She deserved the story, yes, but she also deserved to leave him alone and not be involved in his life No good ever came of it.

”I’m glad you’re making progress, as little or as big as it may be. Seeing someone helps, even if in the smallest.” She was quite the talker, knowing how to make him feel better. At least it was doing some good for him to go and do the right thing since he'd messed up so much in the past. ”I think you’ll get more help out of it eventually.” Eventually wasn't quick enough for Cillian but he was hanging in there, hoping that life would look up for him. "I hope you're right, Eeva." It was almost an empty tone that she was getting from him. ”Thank you, Cillian. I’ve been keeping myself together as best I can, and it seems to me like I’m doing well.” At least one of them was surviving in a world that wasn't as nice to them as it could have been. Eeva had a better chance of finding her place in the universe. Her power was universally helpful and when the day of mutant acceptance would come she'd be at the forefront of that particular revolution. He'd be lumped with the "dangerous criminals" when it came down to that as well.

”Let’s not turn the tables too early, now, Cillian…” She'd caught his ideal of turning the conversation and now it was up to him to make light of the situation, albeit with a heavy heart. Talking to someone that knew them both was a better chance of recovery than opening his life like a book to some therapist that probably didn't give a shit, just worrying about the money that he was paying her. It was his grandfather that paid for it but he still didn't want to waste time in doing what he didn't necessarily have to do. "Natural reaction. I want to protect myself from what I've been feeling." It was only instinctual for a human being, let alone a mutant, to set up a defense against heartache and anything that could potentially cause physical harm in the future. That was why he was doing what he was doing. "I really don't want to talk about it but the therapist just nods and smiles, pretending like everything is alright and like she knows what I need and want. No one knows what I want. There are only two people who really understand what I want and one of them hates me while the other is never around." There was a pause before cerulean blue eyes reached up to Eeva, crying out for help even though he never spoke a word in the tone that screamed for a savior.

"Do you know what I want Eeva?"

[Eeva Muotiala]

True, it was only natural. Eeva did the same with Jamie, even planned on making that task more difficult to get around for the therapist and fellow X-Man. But did Cillian need to know that she was virtually in the same boat as he? No, of course she wasn’t. Sometimes she thought she should return to her education and become a psychologist, since it seemed to be her specialty among friends. Then again, having so much technical information might cloud her judgment, despite her empathic powers. Her powers drove her, and she didn’t want to lose sight of them, nor did she want to go without her powers period. That trouble in her life was over, and like her currents mental hurricane, she just needed to wait for it to pass. That was all she could do, right? She would just soak it all in like a sponge, then wait until it naturally dried out. Slow-healing, go figure.

"Do you know what I want Eeva?"

The Finn shook her head, moving her hair from bright eyes that never left those of Cillian, ”I only know what you’re feeling, Cillian, not what you want. I can feel the tingle of your sorrow, the pain of your anger; I can taste your tears in my mouth and the copper of your regret,” she explained simply, as if she were reading from a book. Sometimes she wondered if people always forgot about her abilities, or if it was just because they didn’t want to remember. Either way, she probably made a mistake trying to sound like she knew what was going on in Cillian’s mind. In truth, she had little idea. She only knew what his body was feeling, and a simple reason for why. She couldn’t read his thoughts, only the fruits that grew from his mind.

”So, Cillian, I’d like for you to tell me what it is that you want. I’m not the therapist, I’m your friend. While that might sound like a contradiction in some way, it doesn’t mean shit considering I’m sitting right here before you. As your friend,” Eeva concluded. She was trying to sound personal, like a friend. Even if the man ended up yelling at her in the middle of the Atrium, so be it. Other than the man working behind the counter, the room became empty as a customer left the area. Silence settled except for the smooth jazz playing over the speaker system. Now it was up to Cillian to break the silence, once more.

[Cillian Speratos]

”I only know what you’re feeling, Cillian, not what you want. I can feel the tingle of your sorrow, the pain of your anger; I can taste your tears in my mouth and the copper of your regret.” So she did know what he was feeling. She wasn't a mind reader and she knew that he was capable of terrible things. For the benefit of the doubt he knew that she was going to try and help him, to give him advice and pray that he was going to take it. Eeva had a reason to smile with Gavriil in her life, and she had at least enough friends to call herself social. There were a lot of things he didn't understand about himself and until he knew what he was going through he would never exist comfortably in his own skin. It was a facade that he didn't want to wear anymore. What had happened to him? "Very poetic..." Came the silent thought in the back of his mind. He wouldn't speak that to her since it kind of sounded like she was trying to be romantic to him.

”So, Cillian, I’d like for you to tell me what it is that you want. I’m not the therapist, I’m your friend. While that might sound like a contradiction in some way, it doesn’t mean shit considering I’m sitting right here before you. As your friend.” So now she was acting as the therapist, wanting him to tell her what he wanted and how he felt when she had already guessed at it. Yes she was empathic but that didn't mean she had to know everything through her powers, right? He drew himself into a sigh, leaning back into the chair, cupping the coffee gently in his bared, pale hands. "I don't know how to say what I want. I've always known what I want but it was too late for me to hold onto it when it was gone." Wasn't that enough? She didn't need the entire explanation did she? He didn't think it was a bad thing that he wanted to stick to himself.

Apparently it was.

"What I want is hundreds of miles away, probably wallowing in his own self-pity when I've given up on emotions a long time ago." They were complicated before he'd fallen in love with his cell mate, Victor, and before he'd fallen in love with the red haired angel that he fell hard for on the first dance they'd shared together as strangers. Jay was gone and Erikk wasn't around anymore. Only Eeva was there for him and if she couldn't help then no one could. He'd given up on therapists; it was time to find a friend that could give him what he wanted. "I don't want to be alone anymore. They say you find that one true person in your life and end up letting them go without realizing until it's too late. Have I let that person go, Eeva? I was the stupid one, I realize that, but is there any way that I can make it up to him and have him come back to me?" There was a desperation in his voice that had never been heard before.

Desperation that screamed "I'm sorry".

[Eeva Muotiala]

Of course Jay was what he wanted, and Eeva surprised herself in the fact that she didn’t think of it before the question was answered. Regardless, she would have asked the man without giving her guess. What was the use in playing therapist if you already knew the answers? The patient needed to answer them, to realize what’s going on. While Cillian was a friend and not a patient, he needed to know what he was doing, what he’d done. Once that was done, which she assumed had already taken place; he needed to change that, to think before he acted. If anything, a relationship was probably the last thing Cillian needed. He, like Eeva, needed to experience the beauty of self-worth, the feeling of confidence and security. Now there was another question – would Cillian allow it of himself? Not right now, she was sure.

”… and have him come back to me?"

There was no mistaking the emotion that was drowning in his words. The young woman hung her head, looking at her coffee while she tried to find words that would help. She didn’t want to sugar coat things anymore, and it was likely that doing that would piss Cillian off. He didn’t need sugar, he needed spice to clear his senses. She lifted her head, looking at her friend, ”Cil… he’s not going to return to you, not the way that you are now. He won’t go back to what you two had before he left. He’s not killing himself, he’s moving on. If there’s anything admirable about his stubborn personality it’s his ability to just move one when thing aren’t in his control.

“He was crushed, Cillian. You killed him isn’t coming back from the dead. He came to his end when it came to helping you without demand for reciprocation. He’s not going to stand in front of a train that shows no sign of stopping. So, he cried, accepted, and he’s trying to move on… and for now you should as well,” she continued, doing her best to use the right words. ”Unless you better yourself, and stay that way, you and Jay… it won’t ever happen again. If by some miracle by the Gods the prospect of your relationship is revived, you have a lot to make up for, Cillian, and not just this stuff with Victor. You also owe him more than just an 'I'm sorry',“ the Finn concluded, her hands palm-up and open to the glass-pane ceiling. Was she making a mistake?

”I mean, other than that, Cillian, there’s nothing that can really be done. Jay’s not going to let himself go through that again, and because you never told him about the affair until it was too late, he’s never going to trust that Cillian. I don’t know what else to say, Cillian.”

[Cillian Speratos]

Were Cillian not able to still feel anger or guilt he wouldn't have taken in Eeva's words as he had. He had half wanted to avoid the situation of conversation over what happened between himself and Jay but he found he had not the ability to avoid it forever. The therapist couldn't draw it out of him because she didn't care most of the time. Eeva was listening because she was a friend, as he had supposed and as she had convinced him. For all he knew she could have been against him, feeding him lies and information that was against what he'd wanted to think. Instead of giving him the "baby method", however, she had given him the cold hard facts. It was something admirable about her countenance that made him smile. She had this way about her that just screamed "intelligent". Sure she had some English issues like most of them did but she was still there to talk to him like any normal person. If she understood Sign Language it would have been even better. Instead he just had to force the words out at a tone that wouldn't bring the building tumbling down.

As she spoke though he kept his eyes on the table, not able to meet her gaze because of the soft pangs that were starting in his heart again. He missed Jay more than even he would know. She could sense what he was feeling but she wasn't feeling it for him. If he could just show her the pain that he was experiencing then maybe she'd open up a bit more into helping him instead of just rubbing salt in the wound like she was doing. Who was to blame? Jay had done everything his heart had told him to do and Cillian had just ripped it all away, taking and taking until he'd sucked the torrential life from the angel. There was no coming back from that death, was there? Is that what she said? He felt his heart skip a few beats in the passing seconds of her words. He was in the wrong. It had taken him so long, and had taken him to the level of losing everything just to get it right. Now that he felt he knew what was wrong it was out of his grasp again.

Jay had been the only healing salve that he'd been able to attain in his long and uneventful life.

He finally looked to the window, still quiet for a few more moments before he spoke, his tone almost neutral but with such determination that it was frightening. It was almost as if he was meaning what he was saying from the depths of his heart. "That's the funny thing, Eeva. I feel like I'm not sorry for anything I did." It was a soft sound of venom that drove him to speak more, to show how he felt. "I have no excuse for what I did. I could say that I was afraid of losing him but it would be only slightly truthful. I could say that I wasn't ready but that isn't it either. Maybe it was the fact that I was afraid of dying and him moving on after I did go." Now those sharp eyes were able to meet her gaze, focused and steady even though he felt the welling of tears just behind the sclera. "I've tried to find out what made me do what I did and the answer just isn't there. Maybe I've never had that answer all along because I didn't know the question until I met Joshua."

Was there a reason for him to have done what he'd done anyway?

"He has his whole life ahead of him and I'm glad that he's getting over it, but that doesn't mean that I will do the same thing. My life is already half over. The way I see it no one understands the feeling of getting old. I can actually feel myself aging. It's just...every day I wake up and know that I'm closer and closer to the edge and I can't pull back from that sort of fatality." It wasn't what he wanted. He could have kept his mouth shut and just moved on, letting Jay go to Kentucky for a bit before they'd get back together, to fix things when Cillian hadn't wanted to from the very beginning. "Part of me knows that I deserved what he did and he was right in doing it anyway, regardless of if it made me feel like the bad guy or not. I'm not a bad person, I'm really not Eeva but there's parts of me that not even I have access to." Perhaps the real Cillian Vincent Speratos had died all those years ago in prison, when he'd been trapped like a small rodent.

"I spent half my life in a cage, surrounded by beasts that would leave you screaming in your sleep for the rest of your life. Even behind my own safe bars I was a target, always the one jaunted by the jeers and laughter of what they would do to me once they got me alone. I thrived under the idea that someone was protecting me. Erikk was there for me like that, throwing his life on the line. What was Jay doing but sacrificing his heart? You can live without emotion, but you can't live without your heart in your body. Erikk was willing to give that up." Sometimes Cillian missed the old days, the ones that told him everything was going to be alright in the future if he could just hold on for a little longer. The child in him died the day that Lindsay had dumped him for someone else. He'd been weak and worthless from the beginning so it was no wonder that he hardly found the worth that he was now. "When Julia died Joshua didn't want to live, but he had to carry on and he had made it to me. Sometimes I think that perhaps if we hadn't danced together in the ballroom that day we wouldn't be where we are. If I had run away it would be so much easier..." There were a lot of things he wanted, and one of them he was almost completely certain of.

He missed the feeling of warmth from lounging around in bed all weekend with Jay, wrapped tightly in Joshua's strong arms, dainty fingertips stroking silken feathers that reminded him of a cool breeze in the evenings. That feeling choked him up and he coughed a bit, focusing on looking away from her. So many happy memories and he was living in the past, not willing to let go for fear of not finding that happiness again. "I wouldn't apologize to him because the words would be empty, I don't deny that. What I want to deny is that it even happened; that I ever met him. I've tried to get rid of the emotions and with your help it worked for a while...but I'm still lost to what I want in life, to what my purpose is. Sometimes I find myself wishing that you were a telepath so you could not only take away the feelings but the memories themselves. I just want it all to go away." Silence fell on him, forcing him to see that maybe he'd spoken too much after all. She would know what he was feeling, that hopelessness that was borne not of losing Jay or sorrow but of something akin to confusion. Was there any hope for someone that didn't know their own worth?

"I was so afraid of losing him that when he was gone, it was too late for me to fix it. My own family won't pay attention to me because of that, and now that Joshua is gone I've lost everything. I haven't seen Erikk in a long time...and I'm sure I would have lost you too if you hadn't caught me this morning." Morning...the time of day that he'd wished he'd enjoyed before. It had been a long time since he'd seen the sun rise...but it was also going to be an even longer time of waking up in a cold and empty bed. A bed that should have had a warm, breathing body in it. It was something he knew he would never deserve to have again. Not from Jay, not from Erikk...not from anyone.

"Do you know what it's like to be afraid of dying?" Such a calm tone to the voice, so neutral that it was even scaring himself. Maybe he just had to find out the reason that he wanted to be young forever; why he wanted so much to be like Icarus.

[Eeva Muotiala]

All she could do was let him speak; let him say what he needed to say. What else was there for her to do? She wasn’t about to abandon Cillian, even if that small independent voice in her head was telling her to. That independent voice was getting louder, but the Finn knew that she couldn’t allow it to take over. That would go again all that she believed in, so there was no way that her morality was going to be compromised now. Besides, Eeva knew what it was like to finally be able to express oneself, though she would do it to a stranger. Cillian seemed to needed someone he knew, as she had no doubt there was little success with a therapist. It was just one more difference that they had, but there was little significance. This meeting wasn’t about them, it was about Cillian.

And what if she had not caught Cillian this morning? She would have probably kept on going on, not knowing what happened to Cillian. This entire time she’d been fighting her own demons, unable to follow through with her absent-minded thoughts of the man sitting across from her. Hell, she had only called Joshua once a month; all other interactions were on the angel’s accord. Quilt swept over her as she realized how little she had paid attention to Cillian, how there was a chance she could have helped Cillian sooner. There was a thought in her head, however, that she wasn’t sure she really wanted to see Cillian before now. It might have been too difficult, however his state of mind was.

"Do you know what it's like to be afraid of dying?"

”Yes,” she started flatly, ”when I was stripped of my powers. I was deathly afraid of dying, despite already feeling like I was dead. But somehow I think that feeling if not the kind you feel.” She looked at Cillian, trying to figure out what was on his mind. Did Cillian have any plans for his future, could he even think about what to do with his life right now? Now Eeva’s mind started working like it did before, wanting to be the positive person. ”But, you need to know, Cillian, that I know you’re not a bad person. I mean, despite your mistakes, you did well to Jay. You helped him reconnect with his family, you helped him be a better person, even now. He knows that, and tries to look at the past he had with you in that light.

“I don’t know how that can help, or if it even did… but it’s something I think you should know, to reinforce what you know about yourself.” And there she was again, clueless.

[Cillian Speratos]

She was trying; that's what counted. Eeva had always been there for Joshua and for her friends, and even if she had some troubles herself she was always there as a friend to listen. Cillian respected that above all else and he was hoping that maybe, just maybe, she'd finally be able to help him; to crack the surface that had long ago frozen over. He didn't want a heart made of ice. He didn't want a soul as black as the clothing he wore. He didn't want any of that. Cillian just wanted to be a normal person; someone reborn and willing to go the extra mile to either fix everything or move on, to create a new life for himself. It was there that the earthquake found himself stalled. "Losing your power had to have been the hardest thing for you, to feel mortal and unable to do anything about it." Blue eyes met hers again, his body still trembling but his focus sound, truthful. "But feeling mortal and feeling the cold brush of death are two very different things. I pray that neither you nor Jay feel that cold in your life." There was a shorter pause of silence again as Cillian took a few sips of his coffee, already the warmth of the liquid leaving as he sat there and talked, conversing about things that not even the therapist knew.

"The Guthries were like family to me too, and they were a family that I could go to any time I wanted. There are times I can't see my grandfather because he's busy, or Jadyn because he's out of state, or even Angelica..." The choking sound in the back of his throat was almost deafening to his own ears. His focus failed again to the tabletop. "I'm not allowed to see Angelica until I clean up my act, but I can't do that if I don't know the problem now can I?" There took a few moments for him to gather himself together, his composure broken by the sheer aspect of being abandoned when he was so vulnerable, but he had come together again, believing for once that Eeva wasn't going to leave him.

Not like everyone else had done.

"I think that's really why I came to you. I want your help." Even if he'd come to get rid of the wedding ring, so he wouldn't have to look at it anymore, he had come for another reason that he hadn't wanted to admit to himself in the end. "Because you know a few different things that I don't, I want your help to change. I want to be...someone almost unrecognizable. Someone that doesn't need the medication that the doctor gives, or the...black...in wardrobe. I want to be different." The emphasis was astounding. "Any chance you can help me?" Now all he could do was wait, his voice caught in his throat as more words threatened to come out.

He just had to wait.

[Eeva Muotiala]

Eeva kept her thoughts to herself, ignoring the personality with attitude that was getting annoyed. Her independence didn’t like when someone tried to upstage her with emotion. This perspective knew everything about every emotion, and hated it when someone else thought they knew better. Of course, if the person sitting before her was also an empath, and given the person is far older than she, then maybe she’d back off. Then again, it wasn’t this personality that was running wild throughout her mind, controlling her actions. Her logic, her morality – that’s what controlled her. While her Independence was growing, it was still an infant to her new outlook on life. It needed harnessing, so she wasn’t about to let it free. Instead, she remained seated at the table next to her kid brother, sipping her coffee as Cillian spoke.

"Any chance you can help me?"

Help. That’s what he wanted from her. Inwardly, Eeva sighed, knowing that this was going to happen. ”Well.. I mean, I can do what I can,” the Finn answered, ”but I don’t have all the answers. I guess you can say I’ll try to be the navigator, but you’re going to have to be the one who actually makes the hike to your goal, you know?” There was the hint of Independence. She wasn’t going to give every waking moment to Cillian, not that she’d done it before. But, like Jamie mentioned, she was concerning herself with others far too much, and it had effected her personal life. She was being absorbed into motherhood before she was even a mother, before she even had the chance to plan a family with a spouse.

”I just don’t think I’ll be able to confine your emotions like I did last time,” Eeva added, indirectly referring to the time when Cillian was a brush away from death at his own hand. ”Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s still safe, locked, and controlled, but even that is quite a hassle for a mind to handle should something happen to my connection with it. You know that to really move on, I can’t do that again. It even up to you if you, one day, want to fight that battle and overcome it.

“Until then, it’s all that I can hold for you. The rest is just advice.” the woman paused for a moment. ”Now,” she started, ”Did I understand you right in that you want to go shopping one day?” A smirk was on her face, knowing that it was a logical move of topic, or rather her attempt to change the subject.

[Cillian Speratos]

There was so little hope left in Cillian that he didn't know if he could handle what he was currently experiencing. Eeva was there to help and he didn't want her to bottle up his emotions anymore but he couldn't help but feel that he was trapped between shades of black and white. Somehow he had to find a middle ground and finding that middle ground was most important. Throwing all caution to the wind he sighed softly, drinking more of his coffee as he waited to see what Eeva would say to him. She always had something profound to announce that it was almost expectant that she do the right thing. "It's even up to you if you, one day, want to fight that battle and overcome it." He didn't want those emotional barriers to go away. If anything he wanted to learn to control them and if erasing them or bottling them up wasn't going to work that he wasn't sure what was. Jay had always been his emotional crutch and maybe that was his problem. He'd relied too heavily on others and now it was starting to catch up to him. Without anyone there he had no way of really fixing his problems.

"I really don't want the barriers to be remade to contain all of this...frustration...and anxiety...but I don't have someone to lean on anymore. You're probably my only friend outside of my own reflection." Even then his reflection never completely agreed with him. Cillian finished off the rest of his coffee as the topic suddenly took a turn, surprising even himself that he had gotten the same gist of an explanation out of his own spoken words. ”Did I understand you right in that you want to go shopping one day?” If he said it then surely he meant it. There was a moment where he was speechless, thinking it over before he nodded. "Actually, yeah. I do want to go shopping. The first step to solving a problem after admitting you have it is by fixing some of the things in your life, right?" There was a moment's pause, and then...

"I've never really learned to shop. My grandfather always did it for me, or my mother and father. Never took the time to learn what looks good and what isn't black." It was a matter of concentrating on what he looked good in and what he knew he wanted to wear that was comfortable. It would be a big change, one that he'd have to take little by little, but for the most part he was waiting for the right moment to reach out and grasp something new. "I don't know..." The doubt was only there for a minute, the lack of self-esteem biting into his inside mind before he changed that train of thought. Or tried to, anyway. "When are you available to go?"

Hopefully he wasn't aiming too far out there in a time range.

[Eeva Muotiala]

She did have to admit she had a sense of style. Eeva contributed that to her talents for the arts, and just paired it with her lifestyle. In this case, it was about her style of clothing. Eeva felt like her own style was unique, exactly her own. If she had the time, patience, and money, she’d make her own clothes. Maybe one day she’d be able to design one thing and assign a designer to make it for her… Yeah, right. That would only happen in her dreams, just like her nightmares of a love she never had; the one that was stolen from her before honesty read its lines to the play of her life. Eeva blinked, her subconscious being shut out as she listened to Cillian again. She was glad he was making an effort for something new. Being told by him that he was changing was one thing. Being witness to it, however, was the evidence being laid out before her. She let her warm expression deepen yet remain soft.

”Tell you what,” the Finn started, ”Tonight I’ll call a friend. This male model from Italy I’ve worked with – charming fellow, too bad he’s gay – you know, that really, really annoys the hell out of me. All you good-looking hunks are homos. I’d like to punch the girl who made you all not like women.” She laughed for a moment, not completely intending on going off into a short rant for that moment. She shook her head and then continued, ”Anyway, we’re meeting up tonight to go over a shoot he wants me to do for him. I’ll ask for his advice in the process, and tomorrow we’ll go out, armed with my advice, and the advice of a high fashion man from Italia. Somehow we’ll end up in a location suitable for this move forward.”

She took another sip of her coffee, making note of having to prepare Gavriil for the next 24 hours that they had planned. She tried to cut back on hiring a babysitter, having recently found it difficult to trust a new person to watch the one male in her life she’d die for. Jay was supposed to be coming back to New York soon, but Eeva wasn’t convinced when the angel told her such. She figured she’d need to convince him of it first. Maybe she’d visit him during the summer. Maybe not.

[ooc]Love the image set. =D <3[/ooc]

[Cillian Speratos]

With Eeva helping him there was no way he could mess this up now. He knew there was something there waiting to blossom but for some reason he had to do it himself. There were moments where he wasn't sure he could handle his own existence, his amazing ability to suffer from his emotions more than the next person quite a feat of the worst kind. How he'd survived all this time with the broken heart that he was carrying around was beyond him. Cillian had no full concept of the things that he was capable of (and the things he wasn't). There was a part of him that wanted life to be perfect again. He'd been so happy a year or two ago and he'd already messed it up. Where had he gone wrong? Was it the fact that he'd found someone again after so long and made a mistake? Or had he made the right choice? He wanted to march down to Kentucky and confront Joshua but there was that innate fear that told him he was just asking for more trouble.

Hiding these feelings from Eeva as best he could, though they still stung the surface, he listened to what she had to say about a friend.

A chuckle came from low in his throat, his demeanor and control careful not to let the eruption of seismic waves do anything but a minor tremor that would not be felt by anything but a seismograph. Micro-shocks; how he missed those days. Cillian focused more now though, his attention on his friend and the fact that she was giving him the benefit of the doubt. At least they were going to try. A man who knew fashion was going to give her pointers and she was going to help him. A hair cut was in order first but that was the easiest thing to do. At first he'd bee a little unsure about it but of course like any hair cut and change of color he'd get used to it. Dye was a bitch though, but he'd stand it. "Sounds good to me."

Cillian paused a moment before he sighed, lowering his eyes to the table, feeling the cold touch of metal against his chest over his sternum and heart. He had to ask her and at least show that he wasn't giving up entirely. It would take time, perhaps not just a few months but a few years before he was able to make everything up to everyone that he'd ever wronged. He'd have to start talking to his grandfather again at some point to see Angelica and at least get back in the family's inner circle. For all he knew Jadyn was on the side of the Don and his own grandfather was on Jay's side. It was such a confusing time that he wasn't sure he could handle all of it at once.

He'd have to try.

"Any chance I can have that ring back? I want to hold onto it for a little longer, since I have a purpose for it now..." There was no hint of what he was going to do with it doused in his emotions but he was going to do the right thing and at least try to give it back to Jay himself. At least holding onto it would help at least a little. Hopefully; rightfully so. Cillian had a lot of hope in himself despite his nearly permanent pessimistic attitude. "If you don't mind, of course..."