Work and leisure, Tag: Remus

10th September.



It was an average Wednesday and Lily was spending her early evening on Prefect patrol with Remus. Her friendship with Remus was a bit of an odd one, as Lily liked Remus but disliked the friends he was close with. But Lily being Lily, she couldn't hold it against the guy, as he was nothing short of kind and thoughtful. She didn't like to judge people before she knew them. So she returned from working in the library on her homework to meet Remus outside the common room where they had planned to meet.

She enjoyed the patrols that allowed them to go in pairs, it was so much more interesting and she didn't get bored when there was not much to do but walk. Not that she wanted anyone to be out breaking the rules, mind. She couldn't wait until the first Hogsmeade weekend, she really wanted to go to Tomes and Scrolls and find some new books to read. There weren't that many fictional books in their library and she had gone through most of the ones that interested her.

She waited patiently for her fellow Prefect, smiling at the Fat Lady and conversing with her amicably.

Smile Even Though You're Breaking

The tense stretch of the summer holidays was over. Initially, the freedom from his so called friend, Sirius Black had been a God send. It was as though Merlin himself had cast a spell of utter release, showering him with the good fortune of separating him from his betrayer. Never had he felt so isolate, so broken and twisted and hurt by the actions of his friends. Never had he thought Sirius to be malignant, malign, sadistically evil. He had always known him to be cruel and nasty; his actions with Severus Snape was proof enough. For some reason, Remus had considered himself immune to that kind of hate. How stupid was that? He was just the same as the rest of his family. Finally, the truth was showing through.

So initially the summer had provided Remus with an acute sense of freedom. But the shadow marring his life clung to his skin. No matter how many times he showered, he could still see the look on their faces when they informed him Snape knew his dark secret. He could still feel the way his stomach had dropped, how his heart skipped a beat before adding an extra beat into its rhythm tripping a panic attack. He barely enjoyed a part of it. he was moody with his father, his mother died and he unearthed a secret they had tried to hide from him. Then, as the summer drew to a close, Remus found himself not wanting to stay at home, but not wanting to go back to Hogwarts either. He didn't want to look at Black in the face, let alone share a dormitory with his lying face. Remus still trembled with anger of it. His heart still cried in pain over it. he wanted to scream and yell and punch and shake him until Black's head pounded. But more than anything he wanted him to understand just what he had done. Remus feared he never would. He feared he never would understand and yet Remus would end up forgiving him anyway.

One way or another, Black's betrayal laid on his mind. He wasn't talking to him, and so that made talking to James a bit difficult too though Remus was eternally grateful for James's sense and inability to partake in what was essentially murder. Black tried to use him as a weapon, and Remus couldn't see it in any other light. Whatever had gone on in Black's head, Remus would never understand. he would never have done what he had done, especially not with someone so big, so sacred and so dangerous. Sometimes he did wonder why he was friends with them, but he only had to remind himself that others were not so kind when it came to Dark Creatures to remember why he had given them a chance in the first place. No, that wasn't fair either. Remus held genuine mischief and a love for creativity coupled with a need to rebel and let loose whilst he could. They had been fun and he had liked him. They had actually liked him. But maybe they were just using him instead.

Remus tucked his books away in his trunk and locked it. A few months a go he would have left it open, leaving them with the option to ruffle through it if they had need. Now no one was allowed to enter it but him. He huffed a small sigh to himself. He was patrolling with LIly. He didn't want to talk. He wanted ot curl up on his bed and sleep away the week. His life was falling apart and she could be so fiercely compassionate that she was nosy and interfering. But Remus loved her anyway. It was such a shame he couldn't talk to her. Not about this. Even if she did know, in her heart, what he was, it was one thing to have her strongly suspect and another to tell her outright.

"Sorry," he said quietly once he slipped out the common room. "Right. Lower levels, or upper levels first?" Remus asked. He didn't care about this.

CODE

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Lily stood leaning against the railings, having watched the Fat Lady walk into the next portrait to talk with her fellow portrait friends. Lily didn't mind; it was still rather fascinating to her that pictures and portraits could move in the magical world, and even walk from picture to picture. There was still so much for her to learn, but she was quite happy with that. Learning new things, discovering more behind the magic, was something she thoroughly enjoyed and made it more exciting to be a part of this world. Of course, she was also quite keen to keep hold of her muggle heritage too.

She looked around when she saw Remus exit from the common room and pushed herself away from the railing, straightening up. She noticed he seem rather troubled, though she would be lying if she said he hadn't looked troubled since returning to Hogwarts for their sixth year. Of course, Lily didn't know exactly what was going on; why would she? While she and Remus were friends and got on quite well, they weren't so close that she knew him inside out. She had a feeling she barely touched the surface with Remus, but that was okay. Lily wasn't one of those who liked to pry into other people's lives. Of course, no one was perfect; Lily certainly wasn't. Every now and then her curiosity got the better of her, but she did her best not to pry.

She gave him a small smile; she was feeling rather down really herself lately, though nothing quite comparing to Remus' pain (not that she knew what was going on, of course), so her smile wasn't quite as vibrant as usual. "Hello, Remus. How are you?" Lily asked, automatically. She could tell she didn't really need to ask, but she was kind enough to care how he felt and ask anyway.

"Upstairs, I think. Seventh floor. Better to start from the top," Lily said. She started leading them up towards the seventh floor, after going down the stairs from their tower. Really, Hogwarts was the best way to keep fit, so she never complained about the amount of stairs and walking that had to be done.

Lily grabbed the banister when the set of stairs they were walking up had decided to move of its own accord. She looked over to Remus to see if he was okay.

Smile Even Though You're Breaking

What Remus didn't like, was the strain on his relationship with James and Peter. Although he had never been particularly close with Peter, for the boy had always fawned over James and Sirius like they were about to discover the solution to bring bout world peace. Remus had always been disregarded in that respects, because he was not a leader of men, nor was he exactly a follower. He did follow, yes, but not blindly like Peter. Peter laughed at all their jokes, he feared standing up to them and he agreed with absolutely everything that came out of their great flapping mouths (whether it made sense, or not).

Remus was able to recognise his friend's flaws, but so eager he was to have them in his life, he readily and easily overlooked them all. their positive aspects, until now, had outweighed whatever negative stings they brought with them. And still, James and proven to Remus that his potential to be a shining character was vast. Whilst Sirius Black had proven the Sorting Hat had made one of it's unusual mistakes in judgements of character by sending Sirius Black to live in Gryffindor. Remus could still remember the Great Hall: hushed silent. Stunned. Even the teachers had raised their eyebrows. A member of the Noble House of Black in the Lion's Den? Surely it wasn't so! Bellatrix, his cousin, had cackled something about telling mother and telling aunt, whilst her sister looked suitably stunned, disgusted and horrified all at the same time. Remus hadn't cared. Just because he came from a Slytherin house, didn't mean he was one. Remus, after all, was harbouring the dark creature inside him at all times. He was a werewolf. Yet he was here, in Gryffindor. Bravery and courage came in many shades, not just the most obvious demonstrations of heroics. People tended to forget that, the bravest thing to do, was to stand up to a true fear and hold fast. For Peter, running with the Marauder's was brave. Remus would call on anyone who claimed otherwise.

His desire to dodge his friends, the ones he should have been able to talk to about his inability to sleep, his nightmares and his sudden desire to drink everything away into a stupendous slumber, lead him to being late to meet Lily. She was waiting outside the Common Room, patiently probably, looking at the paintings on the wall. For Muggleborns, who had spent their first eleven years living without the faintest whiff of something so spectacular, the novelty didn't seem to wear off. Remus had seen a fair few muggleborns still staring at Hogwarts in wonder, despite attending it for years.

Remus smiled. It felt half hearted to his muscles. "Not bad," he said, because in that moment, he wasn't. He was out of the Tower and away from everyone and everything. His friends had promised him to protect him in their dorm. And Black had done more than fail him on that - he had lied. "You?" he returned, expecting the cursory answer. Perhaps this wasn't going to be so freeing after all. It was going to be a long night.

Remus failed to notice, so deep in his thoughts was he, Lily grab the banister as the stairs started to move. Remus wasn't touching it. He didn't need to. His lycanthropy meant he wasn't so easily thrown off balance as others, even if he did look as though he was about to snap in half. Constantly he was given odd little nudges about eating more. In fact, he probably ate more than any of the other Marauders. His metabolism wouldn't allow anything but a supremely fast burn off.

Lily nodded a little. "I'm alright," Lily said without much emotion playing in her voice. She wasn't much for dishonesty, unless she really needed to be, which was not very often. Most of the school was ever the same and yet, she felt it so different. It wasn't hard to figure out what was wrong; she knew from the moment she broke the friendship with Severus that it wouldn't be quite the same. Some people would wonder why she would care after he had called her the M word, but...Lily couldn't quite let go of a relationship that lasted around seven years. She had heard the word used before, whether referring directly to her or not, but it stung the most coming from his mouth.

But now she had to live with it. Would he come and try to rekindle it again, like he had just afterwards? Would she forgive him? Lily wasn't a weak person, at least not very much. Of course, everyone had their limits. She didn't know whether she could forgive him, but it didn't mean she didn't miss him. It had been a little difficult, especially in the last few years where his relationship with his house mates seemed to change him somewhat.

But maybe she wanted to keep hold of something constant in her life. Maybe she was fed up of losing things she held dear, like the closeness she had to her sister before she showed Petunia what she could do. Petunia and she had never really had a friendly conversation after that. Barbed polite ones, maybe. But they usually ended in disaster. This summer was not much better and she had none of the usual comfort of talking to Severus about it in the park.

Lily carried on walking up the stairs once they moved. Thankfully the top half had stayed the same. Lily looked over at Remus briefly before staring back ahead. She could tell something was bothering him; at least, more than usual. Ever since they returned. Lily just didn't know what, exactly. "I'm not going to pry, so you don't need to say anything you don't want to, but...I've noticed you've been down lately. While I may not be one of the guys, you can talk to me about anything, if you want to. You're a good friend, Remus; I'd hate to see you suffering in silence. I'm sorry if I seem too forward or presumptuous," Lily said, offering him a small and somewhat reassuring smile, one of understanding and sympathy.

Smile Even Though You're Breaking

Lily's voice was flat. It sounded like, like he, she had things on her mind. And a few months ago Remus would have been over that in his fluttering subtlety. Soft eyes and a concerned look coupled with a dollop of his own mind to get her talking. And Lily would either soothe this own troubles or take the cue to talk. But Remus didn't want to talk about his own problems, so he wasn't about to ask Lily about hers. To prod hers, was to inevitably, and invariably prod and pick at his own. The past few months had done nothing to heal the wounds Sirius had caused. In fact, they had only added to their rawness. "War does that, I guess," Remus replied, neutrally.

The war was, indeed, on every one's mind. From the Professors to the smallest, youngest student, the darkness brewing beyond the grounds of Hogwarts preyed on their imagination and hearts with every Daily Prophet report. More raids from Aurors, more vicious attacks by Death Eaters and the gathering forces of Dark Creatures allured by the glittering, shiny and ultimately fake promises scared everyone. Why the werwolves and the vampires thought Voldemort was going to make their lives better, Remus didn't know. he did not understand the foundation of their believes. Yes, everything Voldemort said sounded grand on the surface, but that also ignored his other words, and malign actions. He spouted vile about pureblood supremacy - Dark Creatures weren't pure. They were half bloods at best, and half breeds at worst. They were fodder for bigger game.

He understood why people were afraid. Werewolves were so misrepresented in the literature that it was impossible not to believe the worst of them. And the bad ones gained the most publicity the quickest so they overshadowed those just trying to live their lives in peace. All Remus wanted to do was keep to himself, be himself and live as he had to. He faced being dirt poor for the rest of his life, barely able to feed himself. These years were supposed to be the best he ever had. Hogwarts was supposed to be worry free. sirius had made sure it was a living nightmare. He hated every second he had to be here. He wanted to be by his mother's grave. He didn't want to be there either though, because he'd have to face his father whom he had had an explosive row with. So he was left, as a result of these things, not wanting to be anywhere. he had contemplated for a moment before dashing it off as stupid, about swimming in the lake as far out as he could. That was daft of course. Remus wasn't interested in that kind of thing.

"I could say the same to you," Remus replied. He didn't want to talk about it. he was trying not to think about his mother's slow declining health which had resulted in her untimely and apparently drawn out death. She had kept asking about him, apparently, instead of focusing on other things. As his father had told him. "I've been better, but we all have," Remus replied. War did that. Everyone was tired. Everyone was frightened. Everyone was anxious.

Lily nodded. The war was indeed bad, and only getting worse. She knew from her studies in primary school that war never brought good to anything; people died, on both the sides of good, evil and even the neutral. Those who didn't want to take part, became involved because it was inevitable. Muggle history was no different either. The world was the same, magical and non-magical, but the pureblooded extremists just did not see that. "Yeah, it does," Lily said, sadly. She worried about her parents; they had no way to defend themselves against magical capabilities. Oh, sure, they could perhaps fight, but they would be against magical means, which don't even need contact with them.

Then there was her sister, who she still cared for despite her horrible attitude towards her. If a wizard or witch killed her...she would be devastated. She could almost hear a beyond the grave retort, See? You and your freakish kind, you're dangerous! Muggles may react badly to magical people, but magical people were killing muggles too. Was there any wonder to why muggles would react badly? Still, there were some willing to fight for the muggles and their safety, and she was certainly going to do her best too. She wanted to become an Auror and if she died fighting in this war, well, she wouldn't regret trying to fight for the freedom of muggleborns and muggles.

Lily nodded at his answer. "I guess we're both a little down in the dumps," Lily said. "Something must be going around." She joked rather feebly. She wanted to rewind time and stop this from happening, though she knew it would have to be a few years, tell a younger Severus to think about where he was heading and ask whether he really wanted that. She knew of Time Turners, but it wouldn't really be a good situation to use it. She wanted to write to Severus, to maybe...

But what would she write?

"I guess we'll just have to work through it..." Lily murmured. She had surmised that Remus wouldn't tell her much; then again, they were amicable friends, and not everyone could pour their hearts and souls out to anyone but close and good friends.

Smile Even Though You're Breaking

The world had grown dark as the shadows grew close. Thick billowing steamy belches poured from Knockturn Alley into Diagon daily. It had started as a trickle that no one realy noticed. Hardly an eye had batted when this sort of all began: quietly. But now, now that it was in full swing and the fire was glowing brighter, the temperature rising and Voldemort was quickly turning up the heat, the whole entire wizarding world was paying attention to what was doing on. Where were you, when war broke out, they will ask. Where were you, and when did you realise the Wizarding World had fallen into shadow. Where were you when...

There was more than one way to enter Hogwarts and REmus was sure everyone had pretty much forgotten their hearts were the biggest and best weapon of all. Fear came in many forms. Through the deaths of their family members, whether a distant cousin twice removed they were aware of and said hi at grand parties, a little sister or a father, they would be scorched by the flames of elitist hatred. Pureblood mania had swept the nation, but the panic had truly yet to hit. Remus knew this because he knew this kind of panic and fear intimately. He had lived with it whenever a child his age - rare that he should be around them unil he was eleven - crowed 'I know something you don't know1'. He could almost feel his face turn white just now and his breath quicken. There were other variations: 'I have a secret and you have to figure it out!' or 'I know something abooouuut yoouuuu,'. In desperate distraction, each time it happened, he would feel compelled to guess ridiculous things to try and throw them off. And he would never know if that knowing look on their faces was because he was missing the point, or if they knew about him all along and were enjoying torturing him wth the knowledge he never would.

At the moment, Remus was trying to tell himself he didn't really have anyone to care about. It was a lie, of course, but Remus had had so much practice lying to himself and to others that there always came a point when he was no longer sure what was a lie and what was not. Lies always got muddled after a while. Two years of claiming your mother was ill was bound to decay into a cluttered mess of ash and dust. The fires of James and Sirius's anger had boiled down all his ingredients to hoodwinking them into placidity into useless gunk. The sludge at the bottom of the cauldron was no use to anyone and they had so effectively disarmed him that there really was nothing for it but to listen to their truth spillings - his own truth. And even now he failed to be mad at them for causing his heart to leap out his mouth and onto the floor in terror because nothing, no amount of careful assurances had or would have been able to prevent that from occurring. And in all those happy moments, before and in between, Remus knew he loved them so.

James: James whom he was pissed off at for forgiving Sirius, for choosing the would-be-murderer, his killer his abuser over himself. but then, he never really expected anyone to pick poor, sensitive, sad, werewolf Remus's side had he? Not over the infamous Sirius Orion fecking Black, his succulent hair, his toned firm body and his dark mysterious eyes. Remus was hard work. he was a lot harder work than he looked and he knew it. Even without caring about the werewolf thing you still had to be pretty patient to stick around and they did more than that. They had nursed him through ill health, ignored his mood swings and soothed his aches and pains and distracted him with the pull threatened to split him in half. So yes, he loved them more than he could bear and it was killing him t be furious at Sirius and peeved at James. Sometimes, at times like these, Remus wished he was indeed alone.

Remus didn't reply or acknolwedge Lily's words. He didn't hear them. They floated at the back of his mind, like whispers from a forgotten past. His own mind was clouded with dark thoughts, chafing on whatever good will and mustered pleasantness had attempted to gather to his chest for this patrol. Lily was a dear friend, and he loved her very much, but he didn't want to have this nor any conversation with her. What he wanted was to curl up in a ball and pretend the world didn't exist because he couldn't shout at it. He felt so trapped inside himself, inside these walls, inside this reality that when any moment presented itself to escape he did, even if that meant alienating what friends he did have left. But they would turn on him, sooner or later, so what was the point?

Remus lead the way through the seventh floor corridor. His sharp ears picked up talking in a should be empty room, but feigned ignorance and ignored it. it was their lucky day if Lily failed to notice.

Lily realised she was in for a quiet time of Prefect duty, as they at least usually had more to talk about. But the stuff on both of their minds just weighed down on them, making them both rather miserable. She wasn't sure whether to be thankful or not about this; in some ways, talking would take her mind away from the more depressing issues and on the other hand, what could she talk about? Lily glanced over at Remus briefly before turning her head to face forward again. She really wanted to comfort him, try to make him feel better, but she couldn't. He was just so secretive.

"How is your health? I imagine whatever's on your mind can't be doing much good for you. Is there anything I can do to help?" Lily asked kindly. She couldn't do anything but ask. It was times like these that made her wonder whether she wanted to become an Auror or a Healer. She had been told by at least one friend she would make a good Healer; being able to stay calm in a crisis and someone who was very soothing and good at making things better (she had tended a few non-so-serious injuries in the past), but Lily also knew she wanted to become an Auror and help fight in the war.

She wanted the war to end and for people to be able to live safely. Her parents were at risk from being hunted down by the Death Eaters and she wished to protect them any way she could. She had a feeling that, ultimately, she would become an Auror. Lily did well in duels and could hold her own. Of course, it was not as if she looked forward to fighting in the war. It was just necessary.

She heard the voices from the classroom once they got closer to it and headed straight for the classroom, seeing the two Gryffindors. "You two shouldn't be here...go back to your dormitories and don't let me find you out here again, otherwise I will be forced to dock points," Lily said. She watched the two scuttle out past her and in the direction they came and she sighed.

Smile Even Though You're Breaking

Remus would normally take this time to talk. He would take this time to talk about something that wasn't a prank, chocolate, quidditch, or how he could possibly still be reading at 10 o'clock at night. he would take the time to talk to someone who understood that words were a comfort, they were good and great and grand. He would take the time to talk to someone who did not think it was one big laugh to beat up a Slytherin, even if they were twelve, because they were green and were a dick, and not gold and were a dick. He would take the time to talk about anything other than those topics James and Sirius found most thrilling. There was no full moon with Lily. There was no werewolf Remus, just Prefect Remus. There was no Moony.

But Remus couldn't bring himself to start a conversation, let alone permit one to manifest. Usually their silence, should he had Lily endure lulling moments, were comfortable ones. Good friends didn't need to talk constantly, no matter what James and Sirius thought. Those boys just didn't do good old fashioned silence but Lily did. it was probably because she was a girl. Girls were always more sensible than boys. James and Sirius had often joked that he was in fact, a girl, due to his conscientious behaviour. Some days he'd remind them he had to be, others he'd shake his head and smile (with the possible option of whacking one, or both of them, over the back of the head with whatever book he happened to be reading). It wouldn't do them any harm. Their brain cells were already damaged. A little more wouldn't do them any harm.

"What's wrong with my health? It's fine" Remus replied, mildly defensive over it. He didn't like people commenting on his health. It always made his brain scream 'THEY KNOW!!' if neon lights, and his heart started to pound and his limbs shook just a smidgeon and then he really did feel unwell. "I feel fine," He added. It wasn't enough for the smart ones. They always had their suspicions and they stuck to them, which was unfortunate for him. And if they were meddlesome, thinking it was their business to help him for some reason, then he would have, essentially, a stalker. And he'd be watching his every move, his back, his shadow, wondering if what he said gave him away. He was having a hard enough time accepting Severus Snape was just going to keep his trap shut because Dumbledore no doubt insinuated it would be bad for him if he did flap it around the slytherin common room with information he should never have obtained absolute proof for. All Snape needed to do was 'accidentally' see to it that Remus touch silver in some way, in a public setting where the maximum amount of people could see and be aware of what was going on. he wouldn't though. If he wasn't going t say anything, he was going to do that...because Dumbledore was a smart man. He knew ever trick there was in the book. Remus hoped.

Remus hadn't looked in a mirror lately. He couldn't stand to see his reflection stare back at him accusingly. And sometimes it would swim into Sirius's mocking face, laughing at him. So whatever he looked like - pale and pasty with bags under his eyes, looking thinner if that was possible and a sallow tone to his skin - Remus didn't know it. He was just getting up out of bed everyday and getting washed whilst avoiding the mirror, and getting dressed as quickly as possible. That night, last year, it had given Remus quite a few new scars. They still looked red and livid. It would be some time before they healed proper. He didn't want to see his mangled body anyhow.

You're gonna cross the line

Tag: Remus Lupin. ♥ Words: 309. ♥ Wearing: this.♥ Notes: None. ♥

I tell you this my Poison Prince you'll soon be knockin' on heaven's door. Lily knew she was being a bit forward, but there were times when she just couldn't help but get to the point, or snap when it came to the two more annoying members of the Marauders. Patience didn't often get her far with those two. Then again, sometimes she didn't go in with patience; she cut past it. She knew Remus was a quiet guy, and quite guarded, much like Severus, and it would take a lot for him to open up. If at all. She would have to be much closer friends with him. She looked at him with a little apology in her eyes. "I'm sorry if that was too forward," Lily said. "I don't mean any offence by it. It's just...I don’t know, I’ve noticed on some occasions you looking under the weather.” There were a number of times where she felt like she was on the verge of some sort of discovery, but it hadn’t quite clicked. Considering how busy she was, with work and prefect duties, she didn’t spend too much time worrying about it. “I’m just worried, Remus. That’s all. When it comes to how people are, I just find it hard to ignore…” She carried on through the corridor after the two Gryffindors ran off. Maybe she was seeing things with Remus’ health; maybe she wasn’t. She would rather be wrong and embarrassed than be right and having not done anything about it. Albeit, Remus was apparently fine, so if he wasn’t, then he’s not opening up anyway, but even so. Lily would hate to see him suffer, but she wasn’t really sure how to go about it. Not without being forceful and generally not her. Their friendship was decent, she didn’t need another upset. Lily’s face was a picture of uncertainty and worry, even if she didn’t want to show it. 'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone away.

TEMPLATE BY SOPHIE @ TSE!

Remus was a bit all over the place. His emotions were currently so blue that he just swung from light shades to dark shades of it. He hadn't felt good about himself for ages. Ever since discovering that Sirius had betrayed him )and he didn't know how they had managed to keep it quiet so long(, Remus had been down in the dumps. Then his mother had died and things just got worse.

Lily was asking questions. You know, it is normal for a friend to worry about another and ask questions and chat. But Remus didnt want to talk about his dead mother or sense of betrayal. He wanted it bury his head in the sand and pretend none of it happened but that would disrespect his mother and he couldn't allow Sirius to think what he had done was all right. He couldn't allow it to get into his head that he was fine.

"Try harder," Remus replied. He was being mean. And he shouldn't be mean. He should be happy and talking to Lily like he usually did. But Remus couldn't bring himself to give two tosses about whether or not Lily was happy with him or not. At this moment he didn't care whether he lost all his friends. In fact, he was kind of pushing them all away. His life would be easier that way. He woudln't be betrayed by anyone and he would rely on no one. No one would break his heart or stab him in the back. He shouldn't be being mean to Lily. Meh.

And it wasn't like him to ignore kids out after hours. It was well known Remus had extremely sharp hearing. He had often served as a lookout for the Marauders because of it. Some might think it was a cowardly position but there had been times when he was regulated to it because they would need those precious extra seconds of fore warning. Of course Remus was also known for erring on the side of caution and more than once a prank took longer to set up because he was a bit presumptuous. He was neglecting his duties now, here only because he had agreed to meet Lly and didn't want her to ask more questions than she had to. He just wanted this over with.

You're gonna cross the line

Tag: Remus Lupin. ♥ Words: 350. ♥ Wearing: this.♥ Notes: Godmodding here! I'm sorry. Complain if you wish and I'll edit. ♥

I tell you this my Poison Prince you'll soon be knockin' on heaven's door. Lily's face flickered with a mix of hurt and a little bit of annoyance as he told her to try again. She had seen the odd change of mood from Remus over her time spent around him, but this was certainly the worst. She was trying to work out what was going on with him. She was an intelligent and observant person, for the most part, not to mention she spent a fair bit of time with Remus, if only through Prefect duties and a little more than that, since their obvious difference in friend choices. They were well away from the classroom where they found the two students in by now and she just couldn't be arsed with his mood right now, so she walked towards a classroom and motioned for him to follow her. She looked at him sharply until he finally followed her wishes and she shut the door. "Sorry, but I didn't think you'd want such a conversation out there," Lily said. "I understand you're upset, you're not hiding it well. People who are fine don't snap like that. And believe me, I have experience with friends who hide their real feelings, so I know you're no different here." "It's Black, isn't it? I'm sorry for intruding and quite possibly for digging the knife in further, but I have noticed there's been some sort of rift between you," Lily said. Her face softened. "I can relate there...I can't really say how much, as I don't know the story for you, but...I lost a dear friend, I know what fissures in friendship are like. I can't say I know you very well; like Severus, you seem to keep a part or a lot of you hidden, the only difference is I've known Severus longer, but it doesn't mean I don't care. You can call me rude and intrusive, I don't care. I care about you and how you're doing. You can trust me, Remus. You have someone here who is willing to listen to your troubles and confide in...should you wish to. Sometimes sharing eases the pain." 'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone away.

TEMPLATE BY SOPHIE @ TSE!

For some reason Lily he cared about all of this. What pleasure or satisfaction or sense of duty did she think he felt when he walked these halls at night ensuring miscreants and wayward students (and he was often classed as one himself) with his Prefect badge shiny and sweet. With that power he could walk about the halls at any time and just say he was patrolling, though usually that was done in pairs. And he was expected to discipline others, even his friends, though that was never going to happen. Remus was very proud of his badge but he didn't deserve it. A good prefect, no matter who his friends were, would pull them up, quietly of course, if they were being idiots. And if they gave said prefect no choice, they would make the hard decision and pull points. But Remus couldn't. He couldn't. What if they threw keeping his secret back in his face?

All of this...it was just crap. The whole school thing was overrated. Remus wanted to be sitting on the cold hard ground and stare at the headstone of his mother. He wanted to be in the tiny cottage his mother had made a home. Father would have done nothing with it. It would have been minimalist, because without her financial skills they would never have been able to budget to buy the furniture and furbish the house in the way they wanted. And it was quaint but it was beautiful. His mother really had a good eye.

Lily. well meaning and poking her face where it wasn't wanted. Like she knew better. Yes. Remus was bitter. He was bitter about a lot of things. He was bitter he was lied to for years. He was bitter he was a werewolf even if he was resigned and accepting of it. He was resentful he was indebted to Snape. He was bitter about Sirius betraying him in the worst way possible and then just not understanding why Remus couldn't forgive him for it. He thought he'd be a bit mad and then everything would be fine back to the way things were. Things would never be the way they were before. Remus would never be able to fully trust him even if he decided not to allow this rift between them continue to strain them and Peter and James. Because he had hurt him so very deeply and so very harshly. Life just wouldn't be the same. His trust would never be the same.

And Remus didn't know Lily all that well. And maybe her troubles were great, in secret, but from what he did know all she had was harassment by James, a hurt by Snape and a shit sister so woopdeedoo. He sympethised with her, he really did. It was hard to have family who treated you like crap. And itw as hard to have friends betray you. But on the scale of things his suffering was worse and he really didn't feel like being gracious Remus and considering her feelings. He was going to be selfish. He was going to not give two hoots about whether or not she cared or not. he didn't. It was better he didn't have friends. That ache he felt, it was always there. That pain he had thought, he had thought it had gone with James and Sirius and Peter. But it was back now and he knew. It was always there, just smoothed over, seemingly, by their loud and fervent distractions. But it stayed with him always. That loneliness. That isolation. That ache would never go away, curling up inside him on a golden thrown, locked down by silver touched bars with a prowling, ravenous beast inside. It wasn't playing nice. His life was playing nice. So why should he? It was better Lily hated him, or was disappointed than knew the truth. If she did, she would end up using him some how too. Everybody did.

Remus found himself dragged into a classroom, empty, by an annoyed Lily. Remus just stood there, silent, and looked at her. Irritation bubbled around his heart, already so badly bruised that the walls he kept trying to put up to protect it rubbed harshly on his wounds. And Lily...sweet kind Lily. Well she was saying she understood which just made the wolf laugh, snarl, growl - whatever. It was indignant she thought she could understand it, a human, a muggleborn, a girl. The wolf didn't like a lot of people. Right now it didn't like anyone. And Remus felt pushed not to like anyone either. Keeping it locked up inside all the time, it was killing him. So Remus was trying to drown it. He let it out sometimes, hoping it would destroy all his relationships so, when reality finally hit, he would have nothing to mourn over. That was his life after all. Alone. Lily thought she understood. No one understood. Not even Remus.

Compare? Mudlbood to being outed as a werewolf, thus having your entire life potentially ruined, and perhaps dead? Not to mention the backlash it would have caused Professor Dumbledore? Mudlbood was a horrible insult, but that was all. An insult. A biggoted, stupid... It in no way compared with her slight with Snape. And Remus was mad that she thought that it did. "He called you a Mudlbood Lily," Remus said. "Should he have? No. But have you ever stopped to think what kind of pressure he's been under? Friends with a Gryffindor, a Muggleborn girl at that?" he pointed out. "He doesn't fit in with Slytherin because of it. And my friends make his life hell. So yeah. He probably did it to show some kind of fealty, or Slytherin type crap to the others," Remus said, knowing he would do anything to fit in too. Probably he'd call Lily a mudblood too even if he didn't mean it. "So he insulted you. It only hurt because you let it. If you had laughed, then where would the Slytherins be?" Remus pointed out.

"No Lily," Remus said walking to the door. "My fissures have proven I can't trust anyone," And with that, he walked out.


notes: o.o

Lily had no idea what was wrong with Remus, and why he had changed so, or at least become something totally different than the person she knew as Remus Lupin. She had always thought of him as a kind, polite person, just with a bad choice of friends, but...now he was lashing out at her. His words stung. But she didn't know where Severus stood. "I see, so it's ok for you to be mad at Black, but for me to be mad at Severus, oh no, no, I should forgive and forget, and ignore the fact that he's stooping lower into Dark Arts and getting closer to elitist Slytherins? I don't know what Black did, but you can't write off other people's worries and troubles as worse than your own, Remus. I didn't really take you as the arrogant kind," Lily said, somewhat calmly.

Lily walked out after him. "Maybe you'd be able to trust more people if you didn't try to push them away. So why don't you try again," Lily said, deliberately throwing his words back at him. She caught up with him and walked with him with a determined look on her face. She was sick to death of this. Why did people feel the need to be this way? Take out their anger and bad feelings on others. Take up the feelings that their pain far outstripped other people's pain. Pain was relative. It didn't matter how big each person's pain was, it still mattered.

What was worse, he was starting to remind her of his good-for-nothing friends who spent their lives acting like the world was their playground and that they could do nasty things to anyone they pleased. They seriously needed to grow up and learn that they were no better than the Slytherins they hated. She was starting to think she should just make sure not to be partnered with Remus again if he was going to carry on being like this. She was a kind and loving person, never wanting to hurt others and tended to see the best in people, but with the loss of her closest friend, her sister, Prefect duties and NEWTs, she just didn't need this.