xfrozen_lilyx Comment Thread

[Mister E]

I'm really lik'n Leo. He's like a father to her, its sweet to see in the old pirate.

I like were this is going. You just can't say no to one drink can you? I loved the appperence of Beale. I can see him growing into an intresting char.

Nicely done. I would give a more indepth crit but its 11:30 and I too wired to think.

[Tocharian]

I don't have anything new to say, just wanted to let you know I'm keeping up with the stroy, which seems to be going well. I agree with Misrer E on Leo and Beale. I'm actually kind of suprised that none of the other pirates have made a comment about Miguel's and Leo's relationship... staying up talking on the ship, disappearing together two nights in a row at the Inn...

[Mister E]

And so the secrets out. This should add some intresting drama between Maria and th captian.

I'm noticing alot more of the crew in this, exsalent. They're begining to seem more like people then just ship mates. And I can tell your geting more attached to your chars. They're getting deeper.

Anyway. I can't think of any crit at the moment.
Can't wait for a new chapter

[Tocharian]

I like how we're getting some glimpses into the Captains background with this whole new situation. The rrest of the ship doesn't know though, I can't help but wonder what they are thinking about all the time and late nights the Capt. has with Miguel.

Speaking of Miguel; the entire fist haf of that action scene you kept saying "she heard someone call her name"... and now knowing that the Capt. knows who she is (and apparently cares for her) I was sitting in my chair thinking Omg. Which name? WHICH NAME!? I don't know if anyone else thought that but it kept me in suspense.

The whole Myra/Miguel search for identity is an interesting sideplot to the story. One thing about the main story though; it's difficult to see where it might be headed. I'm assuming that it might come down to whether she gets turned in or not, or whether she just decides to go back or stay, or some kind of decision like that, but it's not a teribly interesting part of the story because there's no threat to that.

Sure, people are looking for her, but she has a solid disguise that no one would ever suspect and people willing to protect her. She has a little conflict with the Captain, but as a reader I don't think he'll boot her off the ship. Basically, there are no baddies in the story to keep it interesting, right now you're coasting on "will she be discovered?" (and not even that so much anymore) and "will he throw her off the ship?" Neither of which I, as a reader, see as very likely given what you have.

[Tocharian]

One Shot Collection

I read these a while ago and have only just gotten around to commenting (sorry). I have to say I am a sucker for fairy tales, folklore, myths legends etc... And I don't care what anyone says I love Disney! Lol. The only problem I have with these is they are chapters and added scenes that only make sense when added to the rest of the story. If you are going to write them I think you should go all out and make them full stories.

[xfrozen_lilyx]

I have so much fun writing those little stories. They're not supposed to be a whole story, though. The point of most of them (except for one or two) is to get into a character's head and explore what they're feeling instead of just what we see on screen. Really, they're not supposed to make much sense on their own unless you've seen it.

Thanks for the review!

[ArchAngel]

Robyn Hood

This is how bad I am at this now, it's just taken me ages to remember where I'm supposed to write reviews for the stories!! Anyway, just read the first chapter of Robyn Hood and I do remember reading the first draft you mentioned. Not sure if it was up on the site or whether I was just helping beta read it, I really can't remember.

First thing is first, the entire chapter obivously sets the scene of Robyn's family being killed and with her being left along and with a purpose of revenge against the Sheriff. However, I did feel the fighting kicked off pretty early on, before that scene of peace and a loving family had fully been set. By the third or fourth paragraph the attack had already begun.

There was alot of detail in the first paragraph about quite a few people. Even just splitting this between the different people and expanding a little bit more on the descriptions either of the person or of what they were doing would bring the scene more into focus.

From that point on, however, it does read well. It's not overly descriptive and it is quite fast paced. It left me with a little bit of confusion, but in a good way. So much fighting and emotion took place at the same time, things would never be clear in real life, so that bit of pace and the focus on only what Robyn could see (ie, the blurry figure which turned out to be the Sheriff) showed that she was confused, could not tell exactly what was happening. And that reflected in my own reading of it. I could tell what was happening, whilst being left wanting to fully understand the situation, just like Robyn.

The only tips I can really offer in this is about the setting of the scene. Whether you do this right at the begining of the chapter or a few paragraphs in, or even over certain sections of the chapter itself, don't be afraid of going into too much detail. Sometimes it's best to have too much, than too little. However, in complete contrast to what I just said, when you're writing about the events that are taking place, if they are fast paced events, then not that much detail is needed. It's a balance and I do hope that I am making sense!!

Anyway, I hope that helps somehow!

[Tocharian]

Robyn Hood

My biggest concern isn't the writing at this point, it's more the content... not that you don't have good content... what I mean is it's difficult to tell a story that has already been told so many times. Robin Hood has been done as a girl before, so I guess I'm just worried about hearing the same story again. I hope you can find some way to make it unique, I'll keep reading.
Like ArchAngel said, it is very fast paced so far, and didn't really settle on any characters, not even the main one. A few lines here and there, some added detail, something to make her hate more real and personal.

[xfrozen_lilyx]

Wow, thanks guys. It's awesome to actually get a review for once. I really need to get back into reviewing things.

Tocharian, yes, that is actually something I am concerned about. This story has cycled through many characters and many subplots in an attempt to keep it from turning into just another Robin Hood story. So I'd appreciate more input on this as the story goes along, just to see what you (and AA, and anyone else reading it) is thinking of it..