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Posted: May 10 2009, 11:14 AM
Group: Paladin Jedi (Administrator)
Member No.: 3
Joined: 27-October 08
Sir Ixtren of Mandalore and his trusty squire, Jagged of Antilles, were celebrating in their favorite pub, The Taakur Cantina. It wasn't as raunchy as the infamous Blue Cantina, but the drinks were always cold, and the ale never ran out.
"I still can't believe you sold the feather, sire."
Ixtren burped and sat down his half filled frosty mug. "Well Jagged, some things are better off gotten rid of. Besides, Queen Mizz didn't give us much choice, her waving that ULTIMATE POWER around."
Jagged recalled the fearsome looking guards that Queen Mizz had surrounded them with. And the cannons. And superlasers. And Techno crazed feral Ewoks...perhaps the most devious creation he had ever laid eyes upon. "Perhaps you're right, sire. Though it would've been fun to take on a few of those Ewoks." Jagged grinned.
Ixtren returned the smile, but before he could reply, two individuals walked into the bar.
"Those two look familiar..."
Ixtren nodded. Something about the armor..."Hold it...are those wings?"
"Oh no, not them!" Jag downed the rest of his Corellian ale.
The two black clad Arian knights walked right over to Ixtren and Jag's table.
"May we have a seat?"
Ixtren hesitated. "Uh, yeah...sure."
"We heard you and your squire managed to obtain the Holy Feather of Purple Awesomeness. I must say, I'm quite impressed."
All the while Ixtren was trying to figure out how the Arians had...reassembled themselves.
The male Arian went on. "We have a proposition for you, Sir Ixtren. We are heading north, to the Land of Zinnos. There's word of a terror sweeping the land and they are in need of help. Would you be interested in joining us?"
Never in a million years...
"Yes, we would be honored. Why Sir Ixtren and I were just talking about heading North ourselves, isn't that right, sire?"
Ixtren looked at his squire with a mixture of confused fury and dumbfounded anxiety. "Yes, yes it was. Could you excuse us for a second?" He turned away from the Arians and dragged Jagged off to the side. "What the shabla are you thinking?!"
"It'll be fun."
"Yes. F-U-N. Fun."
"Fun is playing Jedi Master with a couple of hot Zeltron twins on a Saturday night, not going off with two psychopaths to fight some unknown terror."
Jag sighed. "Fine. You'll just have to be the one who turns down the offer of an unstoppable Arian Lord with a penchant for violence and the uncanny ability to put himself together after being hacked to pieces. Oh, and let's not forget there are two such unstoppable, violent, Arian-"
"-I get it, I get it." Ixtren put up his hands in defeat. "All right. We'll go on the adventure. I guess I did promise a sequel."
"And what a sequel it will make, sire! 'Sir Ixtren and the Adventures of the Arian Lords.'"
He thought about it a moment. "That doesn't sound too bad. Come on, let's go see what they have to say."
And so they wandered back to the table and accepted the Arian's proposal. By the early rise of the sun, the troupe was off to the north on a new adventure.
"My head feels like an Imperial Circus inside a thermal detonator..." Ixtren rubbed his throbbing temples.
Jag shook his head. "And you Mandalorians think you're so tough. Good thing you never challenged the Corellians to a drinking match."
"And I never will. Uhgh, this kriffin' blows. Wish I had the Feather. Probably could wish it away or something."
The female Arian knight approached Ixtren. "Would you like me to fix your hang over, Sir Ixtren?"
He looked up with brightened interest. "You can do that?" She smiled. "Well have at it. I've always heard the Arians were good with magic."
"Just close your eyes." He did so, then the Arian kicked him in the shin.
"Owww! What the kriff was that for?"
"Does your hangover still bother you?"
"NO! My milking shin does!"
"See, all fixed."
Ixtren looked at the Arians triumphant smile and just shook his head. [i]Arian magic.
Jagged pulled his horse up alongside the Arian knight. "What's your name, ma'am?"
"I am Lady Jammies of Aria."
"You-" he giggled, "-your name is...Jammies-" and burst into all out laughter.
Ixtren watched as Lady Jammies drew her sword, and with the flat of the blade, smacked Jagged's iron side.
"Oww!" He protested, rubbing his armored back.
Now Ixtren laughed. "Jagged, you have a lot to learn. Come, we have many more miles to go yet."
And so they traveled on and the day passed overhead with the slow gallop of the sun. By early afternoon, they reached the Kingdom of Lord Zinnos.
Two guards stood by the gate to the kingdom's massive durasteel walls. Ixtren noted the strange posters for some film called 'The Lion King.' Without giving it much mind, he addressed the guards.
"I am Sir Ixtren of Mandalore and my party seeks an audience with Lord Zinnos."
The rough shaven guard cast a grizzled stare. "Frack off."
Ixtren's eyes widened in shock. "Frack-off! Why you-"
Just then, Lord Iurus' horse stepped forward between Ixtren and the guard. "I am Lord Zhu E'Ren of Aria and this is Lady E’Xing, I command you to take us to Lord Zinnos."
"Command this..." The guard made an obscene gesture.
E'Ren drew his sword and lopped off the man's head. Then, as the head rolled across the ground, he turned toward the other guard. "Any last words?"
The remaining guard's face was sweating in terror. "Right this way mm-mi-milord, Lord Zinnos will b-b-b-be glad to see you."
"Better." E'Ren gestured for the others to follow as he calmly sheathed his bloody sword. "You see, Sir Ixtren, sometimes actions speak louder than words. We Arians have taken this wisdom to heart."
"I see." Ixtren calmly replied. Inside he was beginning to admire the Arian Lord. "I'd have to say your diplomatic skills certainly have an edge to them."
E'Ren did not laugh.
"Uh, bad joke. Sorry." Ixtren kept his mouth shut after that.
Inside the walls was a marvelous looking city...inhabited by very strange individuals. The buildings themselves looked ordinary enough. One, two, and three story plasteel housing, streets crowded with the usual businesses: cantinas, landspeeder dealerships, and Holovid stores. But the people...
Jagged looked over to Ixtren. "Sire, am I hallucinating or all of those red haired people...singing."
"Your ears do not deceive you, Squire Jagged. They are most definitely singing." Ixtren looked back at E'ren and E'Xing. Both of them looked like they were ready to start silencing the crowd with some Arian diplomacy. "Let's hurry up and get inside the Lord's palace before this singing drives us nuts."
And so they galloped ahead through the singing masses until they approached Lord Zinno's castle.
If you could call it a castle.
"Sire, that looks like one of those-"
"-I didn't know they made ones that big..."
All four of them looked up in awe at the largest inflatable castle play pin they had ever seen. It was probably over a hundred feet tall and a thousand feet wide. Tentatively, they went through the massive netted doors, and cautiously teetered on the blue, yellow, and red air mattress floor.
Lady Jammies began to bounce. "This is fun!" She leaped into the air and did a somersault.
Ixtren looked over at Jag. "Bet you can't touch the ceiling."
Both proceeded to leap into the air, spring boarding off the floor in larger and larger bounds. Ixtren careened off a wall and smacked into the ceiling with a triumphant howl.
Lord E'Ren shook his head in dismissal. His face stern and serious, and slightly agitated by the difficulty he was having trying to walk across the floor without bouncing.
Meanwhile E'Xing was leaping off of inflatable pillars, bouncing around him like an acrobatic Ryn circus performer. "Come on! Have some fun!"
E'Ren crossed his arms in a rigid pose, his head shaking no.
Then E'Xing pushed him.
The Arian Lord flew off balance and bounced off the floor. Tumbling through midair, he slinged off a pillar and skyrocketed ahead.
"Look! It's a race! Last one there's a rotten Jawa!" Jag bounced off the floor and zoomed ahead.
Soon they were all leaping and jumping across the colorful balloon palace ever closer to Zinnos' throne room.
The throne room ended up being a vast pool of plastic balls, a veritable sea of brightly colored spheres.
"This place is awesome!" Jag plunged into the ball pit.
"But where's Lord Zinnos?" Ixtren asked out loud.
Everyone looked around, but no one had an answer. The throne was empty and there were no guards.
"Look, there's a sign." Jammies pointed out.
Sorry. Be back later. Zinnos.
"We traveled all this way and he's not even here?" E’Ren looked like he was ready to start shooting lightning bolts at the walls.
"Calm down brother, I'm sure he'll be back...soon."
Ixtren looked over at the two Arians and wondered if Lord E'Ren was about to level the palace. However, surprisingly enough, he simply sat down...actually sank down...into the balls and waited silently. Jammies contended herself by swimming through them.
Without really thinking, Ixtren walked up to the throne for a closer look. It looked comfy. One of those new Hapan recliners with on board HoloNet and big screen projectors, a tiny drink cooler, massagers...the works. Ixtren looked back toward the long hall and saw it was completely empty. Thus he slumped into the throne and decided to wait.
Finally Ixtren got off the throne. ”That’s it. I’m not waiting anymore.” He looked over at E’Ren. ”Let’s find someone who has some answers.”
Bouncing out of the castle, they made their way back amongst the singing residents of the kingdom. Ixtren simply walked up and grabbed one of them by the shoulders. ”Stop the singing! Look, I need to find the King. Any idea where he might be?”
The peasant nodded affirmatively and replied in lilty melodious tone, ”He went East, to slay the beast!”
”East huh? Tell me more about this beast.”
”It’s the Gorgon Queen, she you cannot see!”
Ixtren was starting to get agitated. ”Riddle me this, riddle me that, you rhyme again and I’ll shut your trap!” He put a hand on his sword to emphasize the point.
The peasant looked startled. ”Her gaze turns you into stone, right through the…uh…well, you know. And the King went to do battle with her. But the Gorgon Queen has an army too, the Grenadiers from Grenada. The field of battle is not far off. Head East and you shall find it.”
”Thanks.” Ixtren turned to the others. ”Looks like we’re heading East.”
Eight days later…
It seemed the statement ‘not far off’ was a subjective description that was quite deceptive. For the people of the Kingdom of Zinnos, ‘not far off’ seemed to mean and endless eight day wandering. However, after those eight days of hard riding, the chivalrous knights had finally arrived at Zinnos’ camp. The guards here were much more cooperative, and they took Ixtren and his companions straight to the King.
”Milord, I am Sir Ixtren of Mandalore, this is my squire, Sir Jagged of Antilles, and these two are the Lord and Lady of Aria, E’Ren and E’Xing. We have come to assist you in your battle against the Gorgon.”
Lord Zinnos wore a red velvet cape and a polished gold Stormtrooper helmet. Female Hapan guards surrounded him, all of them humming a song of some sorts, perhaps a battle hymn.
”I have heard of you, Sir Ixtren. You managed to capture the Holy Feather of Purple Awesomeness. A noteworthy feat.”
Ixtren bowed. ”Thank you, milord. I did not realize word spread so fast.”
”If only you hadn’t given the Feather to Mizz…you know we can hear her techno playing all the way up here at night? After you gave her the Feather, she created a giant techno machine. The kriffing thing echoes across the land nonstop!”
Ixtren sobered a little. ”I’m sorry to hear that, milord.”
”And don’t get me started on the whole ‘Ultimate Power’ trip of hers. Now that she has the Feather, she’s threatened to turn the moon into a giant disco ball unless I change my online avatar…”
”Uh, milord, about the Gorgon…”
”Oh, that’s right, you wanted to help.” Zinnos slumped into his chair. ”Well tomorrow we’re planning a full assault of their camp. You can join us if you like.”
So they agreed to help.
The next morning was calm. There was dew on the grass, a warm glow emanating from the early sun, and the faint sounds of techno rumbling in the distance. Across the great field of battle was the assembling line of skirmishers and infantry.
”See those men?” Zinnos pointed across the field. ”Those are warriors from the Isle of Grenada. And that person on the horse there. That’s the Gorgon Queen herself. She keeps a veil on to hide her hideous face.”
”Is it true that her stare will turn you to stone?” Jagged asked.
”Maybe, maybe not. I do not know for sure.”
”Does the Queen have a name?” Jagged asked.
”She was once known as Lady Kiera Kenobi, but that was before the accident.”
”Accident?” Jagged persisted.
”Yes, you see, she was obsessed with a knight named Ewan McGregor. She turned to witchcraft and tried to make a clone of him to be her obedient slave. But something went wrong. Horribly wrong. After that, the rumors of men turning to stone started spreading. Her kingdom allied with the Grenadans, and they began conquering neighboring fifes.”
After that, things happened really fast. First a trumpet blew in the distance. Then Zinnos picked up his shield and sword and yelled out to his men, ”Prepare for battle!”
At hearing this, all the Hapan warriors cheered with their king, and as one, they all rushed forward in mad fury.
Being caught up in the sudden charge, Ixtren, Jagged, E’Ren, and E’Xing followed with them. The two great armies clashed together in a massive sword fight. The Hapans were struggling to hold their own against the Grenadans, but Ixtren, Jagged, and the Arians were tearing a whole through the line straight for the Gorgon Queen.
Amid that chaos, the Queen sat high on her horse looking down at the battle. She flashed an evil, hidden grin beneath her veil as she watched the Grenadans sweep up the Hapan flanks.
But something wasn’t right.
In the center of the field, a small spearhead was coming towards her. She saw two winged bat beings chopping off heads and arms like runaway blenders, dual swords cart wheeling like wild windmills. And there was a Mandalorian with a flamethrower, and another man with a blastsword fighting alongside them.
And that blasted King Zinnos.
”So Lord Zinnos has found some new allies…” The Queen mused to herself. She looked down at her most trusted minions, the bastard sons of the Knights Who Say Ni. ”…go out and stop this new threat.”
They replied in unison, ”YES MY QUEEN!” Then stormed ahead.
Ixtren was bashing another Grenadan when he heard the first dreaded sound of the dastardly knights.
”What was that!”
Jagged whipped around. ”It’s coming from that direction, sire!”
Ixtren heard it again, the awful sound nearly bringing him to his knees. ”It’s…it’s the Knights Who say…”
”No no! Make them stop!” Ixtren cried as he fell to the ground.
Jagged was crawling on his hands and knees. ”I can’t get to them, sire…we’re doomed!”
Ni ni. Ni!”
The Arians looked down at Ixtren and Jagged with puzzled curiosity. ”What’s wrong with you two?”
Wrenching around in pain, Ixtren bellowed. ”It’s the Knights Who Say Ni!”
”They won’t stop!” Jag chimed in.
Jammies laughed. ”You can’t stand the sound of the word Ni?”
They both winced. ”No no, don’t say it! It’s too painful to bear!”
Now E’Ren laughed. ”We Arians were the ones who discovered that power. Naturally we protected ourselves against it. We can say Ni all day long without any adverse effect. Ni ni ni ni ni.” The Knights Who Say Ni were now before them. E’Ren turned toward them and spoke in a voice of command. ”Ni.”
The Knights froze in place, a shock of horror darting across their faces.
”I said Ni.”
They fell to their knees in agony.
And with that, they all puffed into clouds of M&M’s.
Jag and Ixtren slowly rose from the ground. Jammies picked up a handful of the M&M’s, eating them casually, watching as Jag and Ixtren readjusted their armor like nothing had happen.
Yet all around them there was a strange silence. Everyone had stopped fighting, and a path was being made in the Grenadan lines.
It was the Queen. She was coming toward them.
”Remember Jag, don’t look at her face. Use your shield as a mirror and blast her with your sword. I’ll try to distract her with my flamethrower.”
But even as they formulated their plan, it was too late. What the tales forgot to mention was that not only was the Queen a Gorgon, but she was a Siren too. Her voice carried a sweet, poisonous tune that ensnared their willpower. Everyone was frozen into place…
The Siren’s song was carrying him forward. He was lured by the seductive pulse of her voice. As he stepped forward, the Queen pulled the veil from her face, much to everyone’s helpless fright, but only Jagged was able to see her. He saw the beautiful face of a goddess. Luxurious red-gold hair, marvelous blue-green eyes, and a face as heavenly as the full glow of the moon. He approached closer and closer until he was right before her. Gracefully she slid off her horse and slipped nearer to Jag. She was now only inches away from his face. Like the irresistible pull of a magnet, their lips locked together in embrace.
That was when the horrid screams erupted.
Grenadans yelled in horror as the terrifying sight turned them into stone. Hapan warriors cried out in fright as their bodies went rigid in putrefied madness. Eyes turned to marble. Lungs gasped into sheets of limestone. Hearts ruptured into ceasing chunks of granite.
Ixtren had been fortunate, he had dimmed his T-visor to filter out the blasphemy. The Arians had also been lucky for they shielded their eyes with their wings.
But poor Jagged. He was lipped locked with that thing, his eyes closed in a moment of sensual ecstasy, ignorantly unaware of the beast in his arms. When his eyes opened, he saw the dreaded thing. A face with writhing red snakes for hair, evil gold slit eyes piercing like lasers, and the bearded visage of Ewan McGregor.
Reality slammed into his brain.
For nearly two full minutes, he had been lip and tongue locked with Ewan McGregor.
The horrifying truth turned his soul into ice.
The Gorgon Queen reared her head back in cackling laughter, then walked away, no one able to stop her…
”Wait wait wait. We can’t end this like that. What about the Arians? What about Ixtren?”
The narrator shrugged. ”What about them?”
”Well…can’t they charge up there and attack the Queen?”
And as the Queen turned away, the Arians charged forward, their wings taking flight as the lunged with swords drawn. But the Queen was fast. She simply turned around and froze them in midair with her terrible gaze.
The narrator smiled. ”Happy now?”
”What about Ixtren?”
Sir Ixtren saw what happened to Jagged and the Arians. He knew there was nothing he could do. The Gorgon Queen was unstoppable. In reluctant defeat, he turned his back and faced Lord Zinnos. ”I’m sorry, milord. We were out matched.” He sniffed. ”I’ll miss Jagged.”
”Don’t forget King Zinnos!”
Reluctantly the narrator continued…
Zinnos glanced around at his army of Hapan statues. ”She killed my Hapan warriors!”
Ixtren was shocked by the fury in the King’s voice. ”But milord…”
”But nothing! She’s gonna pay!” He pulled out his comlink. ”Mizz? Hey, this is Zinnos. I need you here, quick.” There was a pause. ”Use the Feather silly.”
A moment later, Mizz appeared holding the Feather of Purple Awesomeness. ”What’s up?”
Zinnos pointed at Kiera who was walking away. ”Look what she did to my Hapans!”
”Oh cool! Those statues are awesome!”
”No no! Those statues were hot Hapan babes! Now they’re just rock! I’m not letting her get away with that. Use your ULTIMATE POWER and pwn her!”
Mizz took the Feather and slashed it through the air like a sword. Shimmering particles of glimmering magic fluttered off the Feather’s plumes and Kiera froze in place. Mizz swung the Feather again. This time Kiera was flung backward.
”Ooo, this is fun!”
Mizz flourished the Feather wildly. Out of nowhere rabid bunnies appeared and attacked the Gorgon Queen. Their vicious little tongues tickled without mercy. The Queen’s cries of laughter echoed across the battlefield.
”I surrender-“ She giggled. ”I surrender…just make them stop!”
Mizz waved the Feather again and the bunnies disappeared into piles of cookies.
Kiera got up from the ground, her mutilated McGregor face was now gone. No more red snakes for hair, no yellow slitted eyes. Tentatively she spoke. ”I…I’m sorry. I guess I took the Ewan thing a little far.”
Mizz and Zinnos nodded.
”Well I need to get back to my kingdom.” Zinnos yawned. ”What to try out my new castle Mizz?”
”Sure.” She waved her feather and they disappeared into a cloud of Reese’s Pieces.
Ixtren looked over at Kiera. ”What about all the statues?”
Kiera shrugged. ”I haven’t a clue.”
”Osik. Now what?”
”Well, I have heard there’s a Wizard named Waru. Maybe he can help?”
”Not another adventure…”
To be continued…?