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Posted: Apr 25 2009, 01:32 PM
Group: Paladin Jedi (Administrator)
Member No.: 3
Joined: 27-October 08
"Sir Ixtren and the Quest For the Holy Feather of Awesomeness"
It was a warm and sunny day as Sir Ixtren of Mandalore rode on his way to Mizzos in his quest to find the Holy Feather of Purple Awesomeness. Alongside him in his journey was his noble and faithful squire, Jagged of the Antilles family, a good hearted fellow, and a knight in becoming.
Alas the calm beauty of the day was not long in lasting. A foul cloud seemed to pass by, blotting out the sun and casting the forest in a gloom of shadow. Ixtren looked ahead and saw two knights fast approaching along the road. Both were adorned in pitch black armor. As they grew nearer, he saw that they had wings. Obviously they were farlanders from the Arian plains.
”Sire?” Jagged spoke with only the slightest edge of unease. ”Who are these knights who approach us?”
”Arian farlanders, Jagged. But pay them no worry. The Arians are known to be a good and honest people, caring and well mannered. They will be of no trouble.”
And no sooner had he finished, than the two black knights pulled to a stop in front of them. Ixtren noted that even their horses were as black as the tidal pools of a midnight sea. Oddly the two knights did not speak. Instead they merely sat there on their horses as still as gargoyles.
Then one of them spoke. ”Who dares insult the Lord Prince of Aria! Loose your tongue before I draw my sword!”
Sir Ixtren was shocked. ”I am sorry, Lord Prince, but I did not realize we were bearing insult.”
This time the other night spoke, and surprisingly it was the voice of a woman, though her tone was no less threatening. ”More blasphemy milord!” She turned her head toward Ixtren. ”How dare you speak to the Lord Prince without even giving your name! Draw your sword before we fertilize the soil with your blasphemous substance!”
”Wait, wait! I’m sure there’s been some kind of misunderstanding. I’m Sir Ixtren of Mandalore and this is my squire, Jagged of Antilles. We mean you no harm or disrespect, Lord Prince.”
The black knights seemed to ease a bit, though their metal gauntlets still clung to the hilts of their swords. ”Hmm…perhaps you are right, Sir Ixtren. Haste can be a dangerous thing. I’m willing to give you one more chance.”
There was silence.
Finally Ixtren could wait no more. ”A chance at what, Lord Prince?”
”Enough of your insults! Die where you stand!” And both black knights drew their swords and charged forward.
Ixtren was completely caught off guard by whatever insult he was seeming to project towards these two knights, but he knew death when he saw it. Seeing no other option, he drew his sword and raced forward toward the Arians. Blades of steel clashed as both sword and shield met in the contest of iron. Yet no mere iron was forged in the making of Sir Ixtren’s equipment. For of all the rare metals, the land of Mandalore bested them all with its precious beskar. And so as the swords clanged in combat, the heavy weight of Ixtren’s beskar knocked both Arians straight out of their saddles. He galloped his horse past them as they fell to the ground, and swiftly turned his horse about.
”Yield Lord Prince, I hold the advantage. You cannot best me when I hold the high ground.”
The black prince scoffed. ”I will never surrender to a Mandalorian dog such as yourself!”
That was all the insult Ixtren required. Spurring his horse into action, he stormed forward at full speed, shield and sword in hand. He blocked the stabbing thrust of the female warrior, and struck down hard at the black prince. The might of the blow knocked the Arian to his knee, but his sword did not break. It was then that Ixtren realized that the mystic Sith alchemy was at work here. No doubt their swords were both crafted by the ancient Sith magicians.
Regardless Ixtren struck again, this time cleaving off the Lord Prince’s right arm, sword and all.
Once again he turned on his horse and faced the two black knights. ”Again I ask that you yield. You are clearly bested.”
The female replied for her lord. ”And you would have my lord be called a liar? When we say we will never surrender, we mean it. Now die you mandie wench!”
”Mandy wench?” Sir Ixtren gasped. ”Oh that’s it…that…is…it!”
Fully ticked off, Ixtren charged once again, but this time he ignited his gauntlet flamethrower and washed flame over the Arian scoundrels before him. He slashed wildly with careless abandon, striking off limb and wing. Soon the two Arians were but a pile of dismembered body parts and charred flesh. Yet still their tongues wagged on.
”Ha! You think we die that easy mandie. We are Arian lords! Your petty attacks can do no harm to us!”
Ixtren couldn’t help but laugh, even Jagged joined him. ”I am afraid I must beg to differ on that, Lord Prince. Your head may speak but your are without a body with which to strike. And I am afraid it is on those terms we must leave you. Come Jagged, let us be off.”
The Arian’s cried and cursed as they left, their heads rolling on the ground in furious anger, still unwilling to admit defeat. And even them, Ixtren was still amiss as to why the Arians were ever so angry in the first place.
”A mysterious people, Jagged. I guess you shouldn’t always believe what you hear.”
Jagged was a bit more hopeful. ”Perhaps we should not judge all Arians by those two, milord. Even the noblest of people have their bad eggs.”
”Right you are Jagged. Right you are. Come, let us make are way to Mizzos before the night’s fall. I have no desire to spend a night in these woods, especially with such strange people going about.”
And so they rode on until the magnificent purple gates of Mizzos glowed brilliantly in the distance. It was an astonishing city. A thick violet wall surrounded by towering purple spires that stretched effortlessly toward the sky. In the center of town was a massive gleaming castle, the residence of Queen Mizzeeoh, the empress of the kingdom of Mizzos, and the holder of ULTIMATE POWER!
Ixtren noted the awe on Jagged’s face as the approached the massive gates. “A splendid sight, is it not?”
”It is indeed, sire. Is it true the queen holds ‘ultimate power’ as they say?”
Ixtren laughed. ”It’s ULTIMATE POWER, Jagged. Make sure you get it right, we don’t want to insult the queen.”
Jagged shivered as he thought about the Arians and how they claimed they were insulted. ”No, I wouldn’t want that, sire.”
Ixtren laughed some more before he gathered a straight face and continued. ”But to answer your question, it is not entirely certain that it is true. There is a king to the north who also claims ULTIMATE POWER, a Lord Zinoss, however he has been busy with a crusade and has not been heard from in some time. There was also a usurper who once claimed UNLIMITED POWER, but he was quickly stricken down by the queen.”
”But I know a thing or two about the queen, Jagged, and one of those things is that she likes shiny objects.” And with that, Ixtren produced a small twinkling globe in his left hand. ”With this we shall gain the queen’s favor and we’ll be off to the lost resting place of the Holy Feather.”
It was no long before the city’s guards escorted Sir Ixtren and his squire to see the queen and into the full splendor of her shiny purple palace of delight. Inside there were all manner of glimmering, sparkling things and every conceivable shade of violet. The massive columns, the gigantic throne, and even the flowing velvet rug.
Slowly Sir Ixtren and Jagged walked toward Queen Mizzeeoh and her intimidating throne of pwnage. She inclined her head ever so slightly in a gesture for them to state their business.
Jagged stepped forward. ”Queen Mizzeeoh, this is Sir Ixtren of Mandalore.”
Ixtren bowed. ”My queen, I have come with gift, if you would be so gracious as to accept.”
The queen’s eyes lit up. ”Ooooo, gifts! I luuuuv gifts!”
Carefully Ixtren took the shiny ball from his cloak and held it before the queen. The lights inside the palace caught the sphere and ignited it into a myriad orchestra of color.
”Oooooooooooooooooooo…” The queen stared at the shiny ball, completely mesmerized by its awesomeness.
”It is yours, my queen, if you will reveal the last resting place of the Holy Feather.” Ixtren withdrew the globe a little, pulling it out of the light.
Queen Mizzeeoh hesitated. ”I…don’t…know, the Holy Feather is rather dangerous…” Ixtren flashed the ball in the light again. ”Okay! It’s a deal! Just hand over the ball…NOW!”
A little bit startled, Ixtren passed the ball to the queen.
”O’ it’s sooo shiny.” She smiled, her eyes lost in the globe’s brilliance.
Ixtren and Jagged waited.
Finally Ixtren cleared his throat. ”Uh, Queen Mizzeeoh…the, um, location of the Feather?”
”Oh yes, I nearly forgot. It’s in the lair of the Hutt. Nasty, slimy, thing. You’ll have to take it from the guardian...Ara-Kara-Kiera-Sara-something. It’s just north of here, not far…in a cave. You can’t miss it.”
Again Ixtren bowed. ”Thank you, Queen Mizzeeoh. May your reign be long and silly.”
Once again Ixtren and Jagged went off on their quest, and just as the queen had said, they did not have far to go. The cave was in the side of a small hill in the middle of a bare field. There was nothing remarkable looking about it, but a strong foul odor did blow from the cave’s entrance.
”Sire.” Jagged cautioned, handing him a torch. ”Be careful of the Hutts. I’ve heard stories of these wingless dragons…beasts of unquenchable appetite. The stories say they were once beautiful animals with luxurious hides, so lovely that the Dragon Kings burned their flesh with magic fire so they would never again grow such magnificent coats of hair.” He paused. ”And some say that they were instead the cast out tongues of the unspeakable Waru, spewed forth to aimlessly wander the lands in never ending hunger.”
”Bah!” Ixtren scoffed. ”Bedtime tales for children and those who have had too much to drink! Hutts are but a fairy tale, Jagged. There are no such things as these hairless beasts.” And so Ixtren was the first to enter the caves with his torch held before him.
Reluctantly Jagged followed his lord into the eerie gloom of the cave, and down into the dreary depths they plunged. The twisting tunnels of the cave led them ever deeper into the earth until the cold was plunged into their bones. The air was chill and damp, and still that slight stench wafted through the air. Farther and farther they went until an enormous black chamber surrounded them. Seeing a switch on a nearby column, Jagged flipped it, and immediately the entire cave was lit up with overhanging lights.
That was when they saw the Hutt.
It was HUGE! Titanic! A heaping mass of flesh and fat towered upon more flab and skin and piled up on rolls of wrinkled hide.
And the smell! It was HORRID!
”Sire…I think I’m going to puke-“
”Hold it together Jagged! It will take both of us to vanquish this foul demon!”
And so they drew swords against the beast and timidly circled around to its enormous sides. Ixtren nodded to Jagged, and together they struck as one. Ixtren plunged his beskar blade into the Hutt and Jagged jabbed it with his blastsword.
The Hutt awoke with a jarring squeal, its mass lurched up toward the ceiling with a fright and crashed to the ground with a shaking thunder.
Both knight and squire held their ground and continued to battle the beast. The swords cut mighty swaths through the creature and jets of slime bled forth from its wounds. Unperturbed they continued the onslaught. Jagged rolled away from lethal tail slap from the gigantic Hutt, and climbed up toward the monster’s mountainous head. Taking careful aim with his blastsword, he opened fire and blotted out the creature’s eyes.
Again the creature screamed.
Ixtren had had enough. He activated his backpack rocket and launched a missile into the behemoth’s brain. The scorching projectile pierced the Hutt’s head and erupted in a cloud of ooze and flame. Pieces of the Hutt’s head rained down all across the cave.
Silence filled the air.
Then there were footsteps.
Sir Ixtren looked across the chamber and saw a woman in a black gown with striking red hair. Her face was aglow with power. Indeed her very eyes brimmed with unspeakable might.
And in her hand was the Holy Feather itself.
”Come looking for this, have you?” She replied melodiously into the echo of the cave.
Ixtren stepped forward. ”I am Sir Ixtren of Mandalore, and this is my squire, Jagged of Antilles. And we have come for the Holy Feather.”
”And would you fight me for it? Would you do battle with one who possesses the full might of the Holy Feather?”
There was a pause. ”We have traveled long and hard to make it to this point. I would not turn back now.”
”Ahhh. But you didn’t say you would fight me for it. Perchance there is hope for you yet.” She was very close now, close enough that Ixtren could catch the faint smell of…ice cream. ”I have a proposition for you, sir knight of Mandalore. If you and your squire can answer three of my questions, then I will give you the feather. Deal?”
”Very well. First question…cake…or death?”
Ixtren hesitated. The answer seemed obvious. ”Uhh…cake.”
The guardian smiled warmly. ”You chose wisely, sir knight. Now for the second question. What is up?”
Ah, this was a trickier question, but Ixtren was also sly. ”That which is not down.” He smiled in amusement.
There was a slight hesitation from the guardian and Ixtren’s smile immediately vanished. He feared the worse. If he should answer wrong, might the guardian unleash the full wrath of the Holy Feather upon them?
”That is very crafty of you, Sir Ixtren. Now there is only one last question before I hand over the Feather. What is string theory?”
Ixtren’s jaw dropped. String theory! Holy kriff! What kind of question was that! Who the shabla would know that!
But before Ixtren could utter a word of defeat, Jagged stepped forward, his voice clear and confident. ” String theory is a developing branch of theoretical physics that combines quantum mechanics and general relativity into a quantum theory of gravity. The strings of string theory are one-dimensional oscillating lines, but they are no longer considered fundamental to the theory, which can be formulated in terms of points or surfaces too. I believe that is sufficient enough to answer your question.” A bold chivalrous smile expanded upon Jagged’s face.
The guardian was aghast. ”How the kriff did you know that?!”
”Well I just got finished with my physic’s exams a couple months ago…that just kind of stuck in there.”
”I can’t believe this!”
”And now I believe the Feather is ours, my dear.” Ixtren held out his hand.
”Fine! Take it! It’s just a feather anyways. I can find something better. Maybe take that queen’s blasted ‘Ultimate Power’ or something-“
”It’s ULTIMATE POWER.” Ixtren corrected.
She stormed away into the tunnels of the cave leaving Sir Ixtren and his squire with the blessed Feather they had so long ventured after. Its glorious quills were soft and colorful. The object felt heavy with power.
”What are we going to do now, milord?”
Ixtren turned toward his squire. ”Why what else, Jagged? We’re going to make a sequel!”
”A sequel! Wasn’t one adventure enough? Why don’t you stick this in a RP or something.”
”An ‘RP’ you say. Hmmm….that isn’t a bad idea. We’ll have to see how that goes.”
And so Sir Ixtren and Jagged walked out of the cave with their precious treasure and things ended happily ever after…
Posted: Apr 25 2009, 11:01 PM
String theory is awesome.
Insult it and I'll bite your legs off!
Posted: Apr 26 2009, 10:00 PM
Member No.: 5
Joined: 31-October 08
I look forward to hearing the tales of Sir Ixtren and his trusty squire, Jagged Antilles.
Perhaps an adventure to help the bold crusader know as Zinoss is in order!
Weapon(s): SP-44 Heavy Pistol, vibro knife
Droid(s): Spectre, N7 Astromech
Current Status: Rishi Maze
Posted: Apr 26 2009, 10:21 PM
Darkness Wiki Queen/overworked admin
Group: Paladin Jedi (Administrator)
Member No.: 4
Joined: 27-October 08
I think Squire Jagged needs to go back and comfort the Guardian with some ice cream.
And finally someone else who appreciates Eddie Izard.
Accessories: silver ring with a rainbow gem; holocron
Weapons: lightsaber powered with a yellow Ilum crystal
Droid: astromech N7
Ships: The Phoenix, freighter
Current Status: Rishi Maze
Posted: Apr 27 2009, 07:35 AM
Group: Paladin Jedi (Administrator)
Member No.: 3
Joined: 27-October 08
Perhaps Lord Zinnos and the red headed Gorgon Queen...