JOHN ERIC KAPLAN

SO UNIMPRESSED BUT SO IN AWE.
SUCH A SAINT BUT SUCH A WHORE.
SO SELF AWARE SO FULL OF SHIT.
SO INDECISIVE SO ADAMANT.

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welcome to 'bloomfield falls', my young friend. i am evan armstrong, dean of this school and the one person who can either make or break you. i am kidding of course; i suppose my humor might have gone unnoticed. it's your age, i don't blame you. still so innocent, aren't you? of course you’re not, i know your kind.

in order for us to determine whether you will fit in here or not i am going to ask you a few simple question. if you could just answer them as honestly as possible, that'd be great. before we begin go ahead and make yourself comfortable.
what the hell? don't you dare put your feet on my desk again, kiddo.


I AM CONTEMPLATING THINKING ABOUT THINKING.

so, it's just you and i in my little office. do you like it? i picked the curtains out myself. anyway, i am me and you are but what exactly does that mean? why are you here?
"Ok, so I was in the lunch line at the last place, right? And one of the kids in front of me was talkin' to the lunch lady, asking all kinds of stupid questions about vegan lunch options. We were all getting fed up with it, so I grabbed a handful of macoroni and cheese, tapped him on the shoulder, and threw it in his face. The food fight that followed that was pretty much epic... I forgot the question. Oh right, how did I get here? I've always been here - my hometown and all that."

nope, not impressed. not in the slightest. but the interview has only just started; don't worry.. there are only about 200 others wanting this spot as badly as you. if i called you by any other name, would that make you more comfortable?
"John. Johnny. Johnny boy. J. J-dog. J.K. Captain Amazing. Sir Pranks a Lot. Big Papa Smurf - don't ask about that one. Well ok since you seem interested, I'll give you a hint - body wash, and blue dye. My friends are GOOD."

it has a ring to it, i give you that. now that we are practically acquainted, tell me a little bit more about yourself. personal things you hoped i wouldn't ask.
"I'm seventeen years young, lived in Bloomfield Falls my whole life. Born on January fifth, first of the Kaplan triplets, or the Trip-K's, as it were. Uh.. let's see... I like the ladies, but mostly a very specific group of ladies. They have to like South Park, and be smart, but not TOO smart... They gotta like music, but not play anything because that's my thing, uh... yunno, I think I'll just go for one with a tight shirt and a hot arse. Yeah that almost works better than the mythical braniac South Park fan."

wow i am still awake, i’m surprised, really. you talk a little bit like you've swallowed a stick or you've been screaming your lungs out at a concert, all night. speaking of that, what do you like to do when you don't study?
"Well, let's see.. I like music, so that could POSSIBLY be why I sound like I've been at a concert all night. Yunno. Cause I was. Following my logic, there? Good, glad to hear it.

I like to write and play music, too - guitar, piano, harp. Nah I'm kidding about the harp, can you imagine if I played that? Seriously messed up. I like parties, not so much into sports.. I mostly spend my time working on music or playing pranks on someone, or getting pranks played on me. It's all good, yunno? All in fun."

and you’re still alive? your parents must have some pretty good insurance or a nifty lawyer. now that you got my attention again, tell me about all the things you avoid in life.
"Well, sometimes I don't like being part of a big family. Feels like the teachers who had my brothers and sisters before me, and my triplet brothers now are always comparing them to me. Not really fair, especially since I always come up as the troublemaker. Just because it tends to be true doesn't mean it's fair.

What else.. Oh, I don't like having to apologize, especially if I'm being forced to. So things don't ALWAYS go the right way, big deal! It wasn't like I intend things to go horribly wrong, it just sort of happens. And I suppose I'll admit it - sometimes I don't like being this good looking. I mean, ladies are always checking me out, and my gorgeous hair keeps falling into my deep, soulful eyes... Nah, I love being this good looking."

now that i know a little bit more about your precious self, go on and humor me some more. what kind of person are you, really? you know.. like when no one is watching or in general; i am not picky.
"I like to think I'm a good guy. I like to have fun, and even though most of the time it's at someone else's expense I'm not being mean. The people I prank are just.. convenient. Can't let a good opportunity fly by, you know? Gotta seize life while you have it, and have a good time if you can.

There are times when I get too into my music to be very fun, though. And if I'm tired I don't find things quite as funny as I would normally. Let's see.. I'm spontaneous - like I said, if someone's convenient I'll pull a prank on them - but my mood can be random too. I can go from playful and full of energy to wanting to be alone so I can think about stuff pretty quickly."

hmm, you sure as hell are not afraid to point out your flaws, are you? that could either mean you are smart and know not to piss me off by not answering my questions or you’re just plain dumb and don't even know that i am watching your every move. kidding, again. did you catch it this time? was it funny?
"I have a better one - why did the chicken cross the road? Give up? To tell you you suck at telling jokes."

that was good! that was really good. i am starting to like you. but let's say i had never seen you before and needed to pick you out of a class full of pupils; how would i recognize you?
"I'm 6'2", with fairly long brown hair. My eyes are, according to some of my exes, deep and soulful, with just a hint of mischief and mystery. Personally, I think they're just dark brown, but if a girl wants to see a deeply mysterious prankster and that turns them on, who am I to dissuade them?

I'm pretty fit, maybe not as in shape as Shawn and Nate, but it's not like I have a gut on me. No six pack, but I bet I could win a wet t-shirt contest if I was given the opportunity. Oh, and I've been thinking of getting an earring - what do you think, would I look like a pirate or like a badass rockstar from the 80's?"

well, i can tell looks are not your strong point. but what is?
"Well, I think that I could eat nothing but pizza for the rest of my life and not get sick of it. That has to be a plus for me. That has to count for something, right? No? Well what do you know, anyway?

Alright, I guess the most obvious talent, other than my stunning good looks, is my music. I've been looking into getting in touch with club owners for gigs and even record producers - music is what I'm serious about. That's right - one day you'll be driving past some music shop and a giant poster of me flipping you off will be staring back at you. Are you as excited for that as I am?"

blimey! you could have fooled me. let me make a not of that. hold on just one second, will you? okay, i am good. continue.
"Downfalls? Me? Well, I guess getting into trouble for the pranks all the time is one of them. And most of the time I feel like not being identical to Shawn and Nate is like a giant arrow pointing at me and saying, 'This one doesn't belong!' Should work on that bit of insecurity, I guess... Sometimes at parties I... *clears throat* indulge in some seedy behaviour, if you get my drift. Not often, but if I'm offered... who am I to say no, right?"

woah. interesting. does your family know about all that? you do have a family, don't you? or maybe a guardian or rich uncle who sent you here. siblings that you could do without?
"I have five brothers - two are my triplets, actually - and two sisters, both in their twenties. I'm the odd one out, though - my brothers look exactly alike, but I don't look like them. Kind of a pain in the arse when I get in trouble - no look alike to blame it on, yunno?

Don't get me wrong - I'm close to my fellow trips. Not as close as those two are with each other, but still - they're my brothers and life would be boring without them. I doubt they even realize how I feel left out when people walk up to them and - stupidly, in my opinion - ask if they're twins. They're the ones that are identical, but people have to ask anyway? I usually get pegged for the half brother, or older or young by like 10 months or so.

What else... oh, my mother is real tough on me sometimes. Usually when I screw up and deserve it, but that's besides the point. Dad's pretty cool about things, though. I like to hang around Sebastian, one of my older brothers. He takes the time to listen to my new songs, even gives me pointers on some of the verses."

oops. sorry about that, i must have dozed off. i am sure you were great in.. what were we talking about? oh what the heck.. tell me how you got here, and don't say by car. i mean, tell me about your life.
"Well... I've lived here my whole life, and it seemed the natural progression was to go from lower levels of schooling to higher levels... Alright, I'll stop wising off. Hey, maybe I'll do that the whole year, straight D's the whole time because someone didn't like how I was being 'smart' during my interview. And when I tell my mother that it was all your idea that I should become a D average student, she'll march right down here and give you a piece of her mind. Would you like that? No? That's what I thought...

Where to begin... A while ago, a friend of mine borrowed his dad's car to take me and some girls to a party, but we had to make a detour to play some mailbox baseball. It was the world series and the Kaplan Kapers were in the lead, bottom of the ninth against the Rick Ringers, when the game was postponed indefinitely due to police interferance. I think all the mischief I got into is what helped prompt my mother to keep the three of us in private school instead of going back to home schooling. Trying to keep us from falling in with the wrong sorts, or whatever."

ever considered writing a book? i think it would sell. we should talk about it some time later. anyway, yep, i think you'd fit in just fine. but where exactly do you think you'd belong?
"Well, I'm always the odd one out, it seems, for one reason or another. Probably because people don't like the pranks I play... I guess I'm a bit of a loner because of that, so.. secretive."

once you tuition is paid and i set you free on campus what will you do? anything you are looking forward to?
"I'm gonna hang with my brothers, and find some like minded idividuals to have some fun with."

okay.. uhm.. maybe i made a mistake by accepting you, after all?
"Hey, I didn't say I'd play a prank on you, did I?"

don't get so wound up, i was kidding. anyway, as fun as it was to talk to you and all that .. uhm.. i have places to go and people to see. we'll meet again, eh? i'll have my eyes on you.
"See you later, and try not to leave yourself open to pranking. I really would hate to get expelled, you know?"

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Meet
"Kendra"
she's been plotting since "19 years"
and gee doesn't John look like "Ashton Kutcher?"
she's also the puppet master of "Madison Reynolds, Terra O'Connor"
but you can all me
"Original Prankstah"

QUOTE

See Terra O'Connor Bio

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