-Garlan (incumbent senator)
Dearest citizens of the fair Colony of Northern Plutopia!
I, Garlan, am running for re-election as a Senator for our Colony, which I have served to the best of my ability for the last few years.
Personally, I feel that it is essential to the Election Process to debate The Issues.
The Issues lie at the base of our Empire and its Society, serving as its foundation. So we must not forget The Issues. Even if some populist politicians claim that The Issues are outdated concepts unfit to be applied to today's society or that The Issues are part of a radical agenda by liberal leftists to outlaw oxygen, I must tell you:
DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM!
For I stand before you today (figuratively speaking) telling you that The Issues should be in every Aerican citizen's heart and mind, protected by the community that is the Aerican Empire (also, several layers of bones, fat and skin... and possibly some clothing. I'm not here to judge.). Yes, for it is these The Issues that have made the Aerican Empire what it is today: A thriving nation with its very own culture and identity (and now even with its own monetary system, hooray!) and its very own way to adress The Issues.
So, if I am re-elected, I promise to:
-adress The Issues without beating around the bush or withholding anything, as I have done here today
-make sure that the Senate is always thinking about The Issues when making decisions
-broaden the Plutopian Equatorial Border Trenches (filled with Penguin Death Squads, fire-breathing crocodiles, acid-spitting llamas and sarcasm-flinging computer-nerds), so as to make them hold genetically engineered, baby-seal-throwing blue whales
-oppose any attempts to unite the Plutopian Hemispheres until the paint-ball guns the vile Southern Plutopians stole from us are safely returned
-continue to lead the Northern Plutopian Institute of Statistics on its path to the top of Statistics Excellence
So, honored citizens of Northern Plutopia, please participate in the Election and when you do... VOTE GARLAN!
Oh, and also best of luck to my opponents, I'm happy that in our colony we actually have a race.
Senator of Northern Plutopia
Supreme Court Justice
Count of the Census
Guardian Knight of King Michael I
Grand Master of the Order of the Eastern Calculus
Honorary Commander of the Order of the Potassium Fist
Director of the Northern Plutopian Institute of Statistics
Lord Protector of Aerica's Hitherto Unheard-of Tyrolean Puppet State
I, Shaun Ferguson, am running for Senate in our Great Colony of Northern Plutopia.
As Garlan as stated I too feel it is important that we debate the issues, I will do my best to make sure that the Issues are always at the forefront of any and all discussions we have in the Senate.
If it were not for the Issues then what would we have to discuss?
If I am elected to the Senate I promise to:
1. Never make ANY promises... um, wait.... ok, yeah that's right no promises!
2. Ensure that our Penguin Death Squads have all the necessary resources to maintain the safety of our Great Colony, no matter what the cost, if they need it they shall receive it!
3. I am completely against the uniting of our Plutopian Hemispheres, even after the paint-ball guns that were stolen have been returned. Those disgusting Southern Plutopians will need to show me over an extended period of time that they are no longer the vile disgusting criminals that they have shown to be in the past. Once they have fully proven this, then and only then can we discuss some sort of unity.
4. I will do everything in my power to make sure that we never, ever reach normality!
Please make sure my Northern Plutopian brothers and sisters to vote in the elections for Senate, and remember to VOTE SHAUN!!!!!!
Let the race begin!
Rev. Shaun Ferguson
Ordained Priest in the Church of the Latter-Day Dude
Knight of The Potassium Fist
Seneschal to The Order of The Eastern Calculus
Guardian & Protector to Princess Anna of the Fairies of The Forest
Proud citizen of Northern Plutopia
Long Live The Emperor!